Hi Beth, I just happened to come across your thread for some reason today, thought I'd just throw out a few thoughts that hit me as I read. I understand your anger and feelings of dismay and hurt. completely blown away is how I felt. Just a few things that helped me survive: I also believe that there is a lesson in all this that God wants ME to learn...it has been a painful and difficult lesson to come to grips with, but I am not an innocent victim in all this, inas much to say what has happened would never have come to pass if I was fulfilling my obligations....that said, I also believe the emotions you are having and I've had (as others here), are normal human reponses, and that we need more than our normal human abilities to get past them....we need the holy spirit for superhuman strength. Somethings that have helped me: the lesson of the prodigal son parable...I read and reread, and was astounded how many times I heard it in the homily at church and in printed materials...It was like God led me to that lesson and then kept giving it to me again and again. Even my adult D turned to it to help her see her way to deal with her Dad's A. Of course I have the 1st corinthians quotes on love literally pasted everywhere I turn...I know they are overused sometimes until they are almost trite, but I have to confess that I never understood the depth of their true meaning and significance until I was faced with this.
I have found some books helpful: Power of a Praying Wife, I believe the author is Stormie Martian; Men in Midlife Crisis by Jim Conway; Your Marriage can Survive Midlife Crisis by Sally Conway --about the last 2, I know you may not see that as being appropriate as related to your H's age, but I found them to be a huge source of great insight into the male mind regardless of age, with great biblical references that were a TREMENDOUS help to me. Also the first book on the "Restore Ministries" website listing is helpful...very helpful, although it's at home and I'm not all the way through it and cant' remember the name...A quote the really hit home for me from that is "adultery is grounds for....forgiveness". Like a bolt from the blue, when I read that, I was struck with the thought that this is truely a challenge to help me grow in my faith and walk with God, and frankly it has done just that, as NOTHING else has. This is a TEST of the depth of my committment to God's teachings. I am personally called upon to forgive as God does, to suffer as Jesus did....That is my job as H's wife here in this earthly life. My H's sins are for God to deal with. I have not doubt that he will, therefore I don't need to feel angry (not that I don't!) As H's partner in the sacrament of marriage, I am called on to lead him to God's unconditional love through my own example of unconditional love. So his sins and my response to them are 2 seperate but related issues in our mutual journey to live the life christ has called us to. and who among us doesnt stumble on that difficult walk?
I have developed my own daily prayer. I ask every day, sometimes MANY times every day, for god to give me strength and patience and wisdom, for the holy spirit to guide and be present in every word out of my mouth and every action that I do...and for my sins when I fall short of these and when my faith waivers to be forgiven. I ask for forgivness of failing God and my H by not appreciating the wonderful gift god gave me in my H and M, and that God would use this experience to mold and shape me into the person that he intended me to be. I also ask him to help me to see my H the way he sees him, and for the holy spirit to heal his heart and to guide him. I ask that God's will be done, and try to SINCERELY mean that.
I've also found that sometimes I need to work very hard to "be still and know that I am God"...I need to quiet myself by purposefully trying to let go of my rage and anger and anxiety in order to make room for God's wisdom and guidance to be present in my life. VERY HARD for me to do, it doesnt just happen, I have to remind and then make myself do it (and sometimes all I can do is try to make myself do it!)
I believe, no, I'm seeing, that slowly, ever so slowly, I am getting stronger in this walk... Which is NOT to say that I don't screw it up, and when I do, it's pretty much big time!
I don't know if any of this helps, I know I ramble when the thoughts start to come, and I've been at this for a LONG time. but, hopefully, some of the things that have helped me in my struggle to deal with this might help you.
may God give you peace and strength in your struggle. Take care of yourself... I'll be thinking of you and checking to see how you are.
PS...sorry if this sounds terribly preachy...your thread just struck me today for some reason.
