New here and question about MY feelings changing

[BethJ]

Thanks, BeingMe. I posted to you under your "Back on Track" post.

Last night we had a big blow up. Apparently while I was at Curves, DS9 confronted my H about everything and H was furious. He thinks I sit around and tell DS9 things about our R all the time, when in reality what happens is DS is on me to give him information all the time. I give him the bare essentials, but the poor thing is so insecure from his Dad telling him he was leaving, that he "found someone else". Since then when DS asks, my H says he is not leaving but has never apologized, and I told H he has destroyed DS's sense of security and his innocent childhood. H got right in my face and I told him he'd better not dare lay a finger on me, but boy he sure looked like he would. I have only seen him that mad a handful of times in 13 years.

Later I told H if he could talk without yelling I would be willing, and throughout the night we talked a bit. He says I am not noticing the changes he has made, to which I responded - tell me what they are. He said, "I am not talking about OW anymore and I am not calling her on my cell anymore." I was feeling like screaming,"BIG DEAL!!!!!!!!!!" but I didn't. I told H that I feel like our M is worse than ever and that I didn't know how it was ever going to get better. He said it will just take time for me to trust him again. I said that is not all this is about. I do not want to be in a M where I am not loved. He doesn't tell me that, just that our last R talk before he broke it off with OW (if you can call it breaking it off as he still talks to her at work) he admitted he is afraid OW is the love of his life and he is afraid he will never feel that way about me again. Once, he said he is not looking for a roaring fire, just a little flame. Ouch.

I get so frustrated that I want to scream and throw a fit. When will he ever repent and truly feel bad for what he has done? When will he love me like he used to? Do I feel like DBing to get us there? Most days I do not. I'm not even sure I believe it would work. He is still, after all is said and done, very self-absorbed and selfish, which I have complained about for 13 years! So I need to ask myself if I can go on like this, with the hope that it will get better over time, or if I want to call it quits. I tell him I want a separation about once a week. I just can't seem to help myself. My fear is, pretty soon, he will give it to me. And I tell myself I don't care!! Self-preservation mode, I guess.

I am fasting today and trying to pray for H every hour. Part of me is so angry that it is all I can do to mutter a half-hearted prayer. I know right now that I am not right with the Lord and He is trying to teach me something. I am definitely in rebellion in that I believe God would have me be doing all those great DBing things like being loving but detached, cheerful instead of mopey, still doing things for H like ironing (I keep telling H if he would get his act together maybe I'd start doing it again...his pile grows to about 50 items - the man has tons of clothes). Lately I am barely even cooking. I make something like sandwiches for the kids and ignore H. I am doing everything wrong, I know!! I am feeling so stubborn and hateful and I can't even blame it on PMS. I am still nursing a baby and don't have that problem!

Thanks for listening. I am so glad to have found this site. It almost feels like an addiction because I can't get enough of being on here. I have neglected my DC for 3 days and I promised to be off in 15 minutes so I better go!