New here and question about MY feelings changing

[BethJ]

Hello, I am new here as a poster but have been lurking for about a month. Here's my sitch:

Feb. 2005 my husband admitted an EA, which turned into a real A shortly after. Before learning about DB, I of course did all the wrong things like cry, plead, try to convince, etc. During this time, we were having some of our best conversations and intimate moments ever. Over the next month, he almost left twice, but didn't because of "interventions" from our pastor and the second time from DS9, who cried and pleaded for hours when H said he was leaving. We managed to get away for a family vacation (his idea), only to come home and discover he had been using MY cell to call OW at every opportunity while away (left his cell home to avoid temptation). I threw his bags on the porch with a letter asking him to leave and why, only to come home and discover he was still here and did not want to go. Made a counseling appointment (one of my demands if he was to stay) and after that he says he ended it with OW, that he does not want to make a bigger mistake by leaving our family (5DC aged 7 months-9). They still talk at work, she calls him often but the cell phone use has stopped. I wrote OW a letter, which my H says was very nice and that he didn't deserve me, but since then we really have not communicated except for a couple times when I had to have it out and asked him to leave. Haven't ML in 3 weeks. Now I am so sick of his presence and I am wondering if this is normal. Before I couldn't get enough of him, his affection, company, etc. and now that he is staying and not talking about ANYTHING significant, I find myself wanting out. If it weren't for the kids...I find myself fantasizing about moving 2 hours away near family.

Yesterday we had C session #2, but during last week's R talk (always at my initiation), he said he'd like to go alone this time. He didn't talk about it at all, mostly because the kids were around, but he could have found a way. I know I am not supposed to be talking about R stuff, so I have avoided it since last week, but I am finding myself SO angry lately and feel I will bust soon! How do I get back any feelings for H and how can I go on when he is acting like nothing ever happened and thinks I should as well? I am curious what the counselor said yesterday but will not ask.

I know from reading many of your posts that you would be thrilled to be in my shoes, with H making commitment to stay, if only for kids. I do believe he has ended it, in that they are no longer seeing each other outside of work, but the EA is continuing with the phone calls at work. I used to be so sorry this happened; now I find myself hating him for allowing anyone to come between us, this man whom I trusted so completely and who professes to be a Christian. I feel so hypocritical when we go to church, as the elders know as well as a few others, and there we sit, the seven of us, looking the nice, happy family when all I want to do is pummel him. I also feel guilt for feeling this way!

Have any of you dealt with such conflicting emotions? Wanting desperately for him to stay, even without ending it with the OW, and then once he does, not wanting him around anymore? I know this is dangerous territory...he may not see anything worth staying for and you know what? I don't care anymore. I can see starting over near my family as almost a nice, clean break. We homeschool our kids and it would be tight, but with the money my H makes, I would still be able to stay home with them, plus I would have the support of my wonderful, extended family.

Sorry to ramble and sound so negative. I know already the advice many of you will give me as I have read DR twice! I must just be the most stubborn, angry person around, and I don't know how to get out of this mindset. Thanks for listening!