New here and question about MY feelings changing

[BethJ]

Hello, I am new here as a poster but have been lurking for about a month. Here's my sitch:

Feb. 2005 my husband admitted an EA, which turned into a real A shortly after. Before learning about DB, I of course did all the wrong things like cry, plead, try to convince, etc. During this time, we were having some of our best conversations and intimate moments ever. Over the next month, he almost left twice, but didn't because of "interventions" from our pastor and the second time from DS9, who cried and pleaded for hours when H said he was leaving. We managed to get away for a family vacation (his idea), only to come home and discover he had been using MY cell to call OW at every opportunity while away (left his cell home to avoid temptation). I threw his bags on the porch with a letter asking him to leave and why, only to come home and discover he was still here and did not want to go. Made a counseling appointment (one of my demands if he was to stay) and after that he says he ended it with OW, that he does not want to make a bigger mistake by leaving our family (5DC aged 7 months-9). They still talk at work, she calls him often but the cell phone use has stopped. I wrote OW a letter, which my H says was very nice and that he didn't deserve me, but since then we really have not communicated except for a couple times when I had to have it out and asked him to leave. Haven't ML in 3 weeks. Now I am so sick of his presence and I am wondering if this is normal. Before I couldn't get enough of him, his affection, company, etc. and now that he is staying and not talking about ANYTHING significant, I find myself wanting out. If it weren't for the kids...I find myself fantasizing about moving 2 hours away near family.

Yesterday we had C session #2, but during last week's R talk (always at my initiation), he said he'd like to go alone this time. He didn't talk about it at all, mostly because the kids were around, but he could have found a way. I know I am not supposed to be talking about R stuff, so I have avoided it since last week, but I am finding myself SO angry lately and feel I will bust soon! How do I get back any feelings for H and how can I go on when he is acting like nothing ever happened and thinks I should as well? I am curious what the counselor said yesterday but will not ask.

I know from reading many of your posts that you would be thrilled to be in my shoes, with H making commitment to stay, if only for kids. I do believe he has ended it, in that they are no longer seeing each other outside of work, but the EA is continuing with the phone calls at work. I used to be so sorry this happened; now I find myself hating him for allowing anyone to come between us, this man whom I trusted so completely and who professes to be a Christian. I feel so hypocritical when we go to church, as the elders know as well as a few others, and there we sit, the seven of us, looking the nice, happy family when all I want to do is pummel him. I also feel guilt for feeling this way!

Have any of you dealt with such conflicting emotions? Wanting desperately for him to stay, even without ending it with the OW, and then once he does, not wanting him around anymore? I know this is dangerous territory...he may not see anything worth staying for and you know what? I don't care anymore. I can see starting over near my family as almost a nice, clean break. We homeschool our kids and it would be tight, but with the money my H makes, I would still be able to stay home with them, plus I would have the support of my wonderful, extended family.

Sorry to ramble and sound so negative. I know already the advice many of you will give me as I have read DR twice! I must just be the most stubborn, angry person around, and I don't know how to get out of this mindset. Thanks for listening!

[BeingMe]

Beth, I know exactly how you feel. My feelings have been all over the place since the bomb last year, May. I tried divorcebusting for several months, and he even recommitted to our M and said he loved me, but it was a lie which he finally owned up to. I now don't trust my H at all, and doubt that I ever will again. I am angry at being lied to. I will get over it, and I will move on with my life, and make it better. But, in all the anger and hurt, I am very sad at the loss of my DH who no longer really exists.

I don't know what advice to give you except to take each day as it comes. Only you will know when the time is right to leave. I feel that if your H is really committed, he would start looking for another job, and break off all contact with the OW. He's playing a dangerous game.

I still can't understand how anyone could put their family at risk like this, but my H did it, and we (my children and I) pay the price for his betrayal. No-one wins, since even if he got together with the OW and is "happy", he will always have the guilt of what he has done to his family. I feel I can hold my head up still, since I tried until I could try no more.

Will be checking in on your sitch, Beth. Good luck!

[Pamila]

Hi Beth,

I have been in your shoes and the walk isn't fun, I know.

I can remember thinking at the time that I thought I "had" my H back "ok, now that I have him back do I really want him?"

Turns out he wasn't really back. When I thought that he had broken up with her, it was a very temporary thing. His A has waxed and waned for 2 1/2 years now.

I threw him out of the house over a year ago (pre-DR) and have been struggling ever since with how/if our M can ever be redeemed.

As a Christian I daily avail myself of the opportunity to pray and read God's word, and I hope that you do the same. Prayer has been my lifeline and the only thing that has kept me sane.

My H is also a believer, but he has chosen to forsake his R with God and walk according to the ways of the world.

I caution you that your H's A may not be over as much as you think it is, people told me the same way back when, and I didn't want to believe them I thought my H was different. But once sin has a gripe on them it is VERY hard to turn away from it, esp if they are trying to do it under their own power.

I wish you well.

Pam

[BethJ]

Thank you both for your replies. Pamila, I am daily in the Word and prayer is my lifeline as well. Thanks also for the warning that H may still be with OW. I, too, have a hard time believing that MY H could be so deceptive. I know the outside phone contact has ended, and he gets home early, calls me from work instead of cell before leaving so I can see caller ID, etc. Last night he even initiated a R talk, which I deftly avoided. He says he thinks I need to go to counseling now, as he is glad he went. I told him I just don't think I care anymore, and he said the C told him to expect this. He seems to find my new attitude somewhat amusing and is being light-hearted and jokey. I know he still has not repented, does not read his Bible (used to be nightly before bed) and probably is not praying. Of course, we keep up appearances and go to church, and he prays with the kids before bed as well. I guess I am waiting for him to apologize to me, be broken about his A and try to win me back.

He asked me last night when I was going to start "attacking" him again (his word for iniating s*x) and I said never. He joked that since I came home he expected I would want to (I had said I may not come home last night, after he said he was going golfing after work and I was angry 'cause I didn't know if that's where he really was). At least he is finally talking to me about something not surfacey, right? I need to get to the place where I am appreciating his small efforts. Right now I am not there.

Anyway, thank you for listening and I am going to go read about both of your situations now as well!

[BeingMe]

My H doesn't call our family together for prayer anymore - he used to always do that every night even during the time he was lying. We started praying together just before bomb2, but, of course, how do you pray with the person you are lying to at the same time? My faith has plummeted, I'm afraid, but I will work on it again (one of my goals for this year). The OW also was a churchgoer - how hypocritical they are. I sound bitter, don't I? But, not really! I just find my sitch very amusing, ironic, and weird sometimes.

You hold steadfast to your faith, Beth! I lost it because I was focussing too much on saving my M, instead of nurturing and maintaining myself.

[BethJ]

Thanks, BeingMe. I posted to you under your "Back on Track" post.

Last night we had a big blow up. Apparently while I was at Curves, DS9 confronted my H about everything and H was furious. He thinks I sit around and tell DS9 things about our R all the time, when in reality what happens is DS is on me to give him information all the time. I give him the bare essentials, but the poor thing is so insecure from his Dad telling him he was leaving, that he "found someone else". Since then when DS asks, my H says he is not leaving but has never apologized, and I told H he has destroyed DS's sense of security and his innocent childhood. H got right in my face and I told him he'd better not dare lay a finger on me, but boy he sure looked like he would. I have only seen him that mad a handful of times in 13 years.

Later I told H if he could talk without yelling I would be willing, and throughout the night we talked a bit. He says I am not noticing the changes he has made, to which I responded - tell me what they are. He said, "I am not talking about OW anymore and I am not calling her on my cell anymore." I was feeling like screaming,"BIG DEAL!!!!!!!!!!" but I didn't. I told H that I feel like our M is worse than ever and that I didn't know how it was ever going to get better. He said it will just take time for me to trust him again. I said that is not all this is about. I do not want to be in a M where I am not loved. He doesn't tell me that, just that our last R talk before he broke it off with OW (if you can call it breaking it off as he still talks to her at work) he admitted he is afraid OW is the love of his life and he is afraid he will never feel that way about me again. Once, he said he is not looking for a roaring fire, just a little flame. Ouch.

I get so frustrated that I want to scream and throw a fit. When will he ever repent and truly feel bad for what he has done? When will he love me like he used to? Do I feel like DBing to get us there? Most days I do not. I'm not even sure I believe it would work. He is still, after all is said and done, very self-absorbed and selfish, which I have complained about for 13 years! So I need to ask myself if I can go on like this, with the hope that it will get better over time, or if I want to call it quits. I tell him I want a separation about once a week. I just can't seem to help myself. My fear is, pretty soon, he will give it to me. And I tell myself I don't care!! Self-preservation mode, I guess.

I am fasting today and trying to pray for H every hour. Part of me is so angry that it is all I can do to mutter a half-hearted prayer. I know right now that I am not right with the Lord and He is trying to teach me something. I am definitely in rebellion in that I believe God would have me be doing all those great DBing things like being loving but detached, cheerful instead of mopey, still doing things for H like ironing (I keep telling H if he would get his act together maybe I'd start doing it again...his pile grows to about 50 items - the man has tons of clothes). Lately I am barely even cooking. I make something like sandwiches for the kids and ignore H. I am doing everything wrong, I know!! I am feeling so stubborn and hateful and I can't even blame it on PMS. I am still nursing a baby and don't have that problem!

Thanks for listening. I am so glad to have found this site. It almost feels like an addiction because I can't get enough of being on here. I have neglected my DC for 3 days and I promised to be off in 15 minutes so I better go!

[BethJ]

Today is somewhat better because I have decided to take the baby and go to my parents' house for the weekend. I just could not face another weekend of being around H, waiting for him to fulfill my expectations that I know I shouldn't be having. I am much more at peace when he is at work, it's when he's around that I am in turmoil. Pretty screwed up, huh?!

I am leaving the other 4 kids (Aged 3-9) at home so I know there shouldn't be any irresponsible behavior! Of course, if my H really wanted, he could talk me into staying, but I doubt he will. So I will go and let my Mom pamper me!

[ThatGuy]

Beth, I'm pretty new to this site but have been accidently DBing a little for many months. Full time DBing for nearly a month.

At the "early" stage you are at in your sitch, where everyone's emotions are at their boiling point, it is very hard to see how DBing can possible help. The one person that has zero chance of getting in your H's face and making him change is you. The only person you can control is Beth. You need to work on Beth. If you can't do it for your M then do it for the K. You need to provide a role-model for them. I know it's hard. Trust me it gets easier and will be worth it in the long run no matter what happens with your M.

When will he ever repent and truly feel bad for what he has done? When will he love me like he used to? Do I feel like DBing to get us there? Most days I do not. I'm not even sure I believe it would work.

Don't use the idea of him apologizing as a goal. If he ever does, you'll only feel good about it for a short time. My W has said "I'm sorry." many times but it's the WAS actions that really matter. It's just like when H told you that the EA is over. You felt good for a brief time but his actions are what you are basing your feeling on, right?

Hang in there. Try to stay calm. Patience is the hardest thing to have but it's the most important ingredient. You can do it! Have you gone through all of this crap and roller coaster ride to give up now?

-G

[debcb]

Hi Beth, I just happened to come across your thread for some reason today, thought I'd just throw out a few thoughts that hit me as I read. I understand your anger and feelings of dismay and hurt. completely blown away is how I felt. Just a few things that helped me survive: I also believe that there is a lesson in all this that God wants ME to learn...it has been a painful and difficult lesson to come to grips with, but I am not an innocent victim in all this, inas much to say what has happened would never have come to pass if I was fulfilling my obligations....that said, I also believe the emotions you are having and I've had (as others here), are normal human reponses, and that we need more than our normal human abilities to get past them....we need the holy spirit for superhuman strength. Somethings that have helped me: the lesson of the prodigal son parable...I read and reread, and was astounded how many times I heard it in the homily at church and in printed materials...It was like God led me to that lesson and then kept giving it to me again and again. Even my adult D turned to it to help her see her way to deal with her Dad's A. Of course I have the 1st corinthians quotes on love literally pasted everywhere I turn...I know they are overused sometimes until they are almost trite, but I have to confess that I never understood the depth of their true meaning and significance until I was faced with this.

I have found some books helpful: Power of a Praying Wife, I believe the author is Stormie Martian; Men in Midlife Crisis by Jim Conway; Your Marriage can Survive Midlife Crisis by Sally Conway --about the last 2, I know you may not see that as being appropriate as related to your H's age, but I found them to be a huge source of great insight into the male mind regardless of age, with great biblical references that were a TREMENDOUS help to me. Also the first book on the "Restore Ministries" website listing is helpful...very helpful, although it's at home and I'm not all the way through it and cant' remember the name...A quote the really hit home for me from that is "adultery is grounds for....forgiveness". Like a bolt from the blue, when I read that, I was struck with the thought that this is truely a challenge to help me grow in my faith and walk with God, and frankly it has done just that, as NOTHING else has. This is a TEST of the depth of my committment to God's teachings. I am personally called upon to forgive as God does, to suffer as Jesus did....That is my job as H's wife here in this earthly life. My H's sins are for God to deal with. I have not doubt that he will, therefore I don't need to feel angry (not that I don't!) As H's partner in the sacrament of marriage, I am called on to lead him to God's unconditional love through my own example of unconditional love. So his sins and my response to them are 2 seperate but related issues in our mutual journey to live the life christ has called us to. and who among us doesnt stumble on that difficult walk?

I have developed my own daily prayer. I ask every day, sometimes MANY times every day, for god to give me strength and patience and wisdom, for the holy spirit to guide and be present in every word out of my mouth and every action that I do...and for my sins when I fall short of these and when my faith waivers to be forgiven. I ask for forgivness of failing God and my H by not appreciating the wonderful gift god gave me in my H and M, and that God would use this experience to mold and shape me into the person that he intended me to be. I also ask him to help me to see my H the way he sees him, and for the holy spirit to heal his heart and to guide him. I ask that God's will be done, and try to SINCERELY mean that.

I've also found that sometimes I need to work very hard to "be still and know that I am God"...I need to quiet myself by purposefully trying to let go of my rage and anger and anxiety in order to make room for God's wisdom and guidance to be present in my life. VERY HARD for me to do, it doesnt just happen, I have to remind and then make myself do it (and sometimes all I can do is try to make myself do it!)

I believe, no, I'm seeing, that slowly, ever so slowly, I am getting stronger in this walk...
Which is NOT to say that I don't screw it up, and when I do, it's pretty much big time!

I don't know if any of this helps, I know I ramble when the thoughts start to come, and I've been at this for a LONG time. but, hopefully, some of the things that have helped me in my struggle to deal with this might help you.

may God give you peace and strength in your struggle. Take care of yourself...
I'll be thinking of you and checking to see how you are.

PS...sorry if this sounds terribly preachy...your thread just struck me today for some reason.

[SherryL]

Hi Beth,

Just found your thread and read it through.

I felt like I was reading my own thread. We have been experiencing the same rollercoaster ride. Our sitches are so similar. My H was actually a youth minister at one time. He has lost his walk. He recently told me he wasn't spiritually ready to go back to church. I wanted to say, hmmm... you don't think going to church might help that.

Just like you,I can't understand why I am fighting this. My H is selfish and self-absorbed too. I also am wondering if this is really what I want for the rest of my life and is it worth fighting for.

Today, I did feel God speaking to me. To give this time and he would change my H. I just don't know how to keep going on, though. I know DBing is the thing to do, I just don't have the energy.

Good for you on leaving for the weekend. I have thought about doing that for a few weeks now. Maybe I will get the courage to do that myself.

I hope you have a great time. Thanks for stopping by my thread. I will definately keep checking in on you.

Sherry