An interesting reminder that h feels things deeply too:
Quote: got home from work. still felt that semi-weirdness/disconnect when I got there...NOW I have to be careful not to make it happen with my attitude or wariness! gotta mix it up, walk in the door with confidence!
anyway, h and I went for a walk...I was overeager...talking to much, creating a bit of a vacuum, emotionally bouncing off the walls a bit. I asked h if he was ok with something or other (can't remember what) then said something like "wait, I'm not squashing you, am I? I don't want to be squashing you!" What I was TRYING to convey was that I was interested in what he wanted but was hoping that I wasn't actually CONTROLLING the conversation/outcome somewhat tacitly. I dunno...it was a weird, hepped up conversation.
anyway...h said "no, you're not squashing me." then he said "but you do have some squashing rights. no, you have some squashing ability". I said "what do you mean?". He said "you have my heart. you could squash it if you wanted to. Please be careful. And I know that I have your heart. and I promise that I won't squash it. I will take care of it. I will protect it."
???
what's up with that?
Acknowledgement that we could hurt each other ('cause that is life and love).
Request that I not hurt him.
Verbal affirmation that he will protect me and not hurt me.
Sigh.
My h is getting it (and giving it!)
Thoughts on how a fear of failure can get in the way of progress:
Quote: Quote:
Finally, in my own experience, if h interprets my request as something he may FAIL at (like, not live up to my expectations) then he's very resistent to doing it -- even if to me it seems as though it's something he'll succeed at.
Could it be this is why they don't want to work on the R?
IMHO, absofreakinglutely.
When I take the thousand foot view of my sitch it seems clear to me that a lot of the horror that went on was around expectation -- or more likely, the fear of not living up to the others expectation.
It's, no doubt, why I kept everything close to my vest and rarely showed my h how important he was (is) to me.
And I believe it's partly why h engaged in his EA.
And, I also believe that it's why when I share my "stuckness" with h and express my still-present(sometimes) sadness he reacts with the D word.
the thousand foot view tells me that above all h, h is afraid of not meeting my expectations....failing me somehow...
one of the hardest, and yet easiest, things I did while DB'ing was to do my absolute best to abandon my "shoulds" about him -- what he SHOULD be doing as a husband. You could add on "as a father".
It isn't about no longer believing that he COULD be amazingly, wonderfully, charmingly successful and delightful and wonderful as a husband.
It's about no longer sighing heavily and thinking: he SHOULD take out the garbage he SHOULD do the dishes he SHOULD pay the bills he SHOULD blah, blah, blah
I cannot deny that I still battle with it, (mildly) at times -- but it's no longer the constant presence in my life.
2 things got me there besides DB'ing.
The two books by Miquel Ruiz ("The four agreements" and "the mastery of love") and
the book "Love is letting go of fear" by Jampolsky.
WHAT if you viewed your h's actions as a manifestation of his fear as opposed to anger, selfishness, etc? (I'm not saying you view it now as anger, whatever...)
How I worked on abandoning the “shoulds” about h:
Quote: I don't know...I remember reading something...I think it was in "Mastery of Love" and he basically said -- if you're sitting around expecting your spouse to be somebody different than they are then you're disrespecting them. They weren't put here to be something for YOU they were put here to be THEM and if you can't stop judging and start loving unconditionally, well, then maybe you shouldn't be together.
I think it was also that after the bomb dropped I took a good look at ME and realized how much pressure and anger and impatience and intolerance I was bringing into the m. -- all under the guise of "getting things done" or "doing things the RIGHT way". I was doing a lot of meditating on compassion at the time and I just realized how much it must have hurt my h to be perceived as so darned WRONG all the time. What IS so wrong about what he does on a daily basis? VERY little, actually.
I love this comment from h:
Quote: Finally documented positive is a biggie...we were sitting together last night and out of the blue h says "you know, I think that you have a picture of yourself as much more stressed out, much more demanding (can't remember the exact word...impatient? critical?) and much more high maintanence that you really are....I don't think you give yourself enough credit for how relaxed you really are...how much more easy going you are than you think. I guess that's because you have such high standards".
Trying to keep acceptance of h at the forefront:
Quote: I think that I've slanted most of my post-bomb DB'ing on the "love is letting go of fear" and "mastery of love" tenets...that even the worst behaviors are manifestations of fear and that shedding personalization and ASSumptions and embracing a willingness to accept the other person as they are are the foundations (note: not trying to make it sound as though I'm actually successful at this...just trying to muddle along like everyone else).
I'm not sure it "works" or that it "works" for all sitchs or whatever...Actually, I AM pretty sure that there's no one sure fire technique...that's pretty fundamental DB'ing, no? do what works....without saying exactly what that is.
I guess for me I've found the most peace when I've tried to keep as much acceptance of h in my heart as possible (see note above on the TRYING part).
Wise words on the “whys”:
Quote: Sage - just a few thoughts about the "why did this happen?" train of thought. I had read that it was important to really nail down why the affair occurred. This is something I resisted doing, out of fear of bringing up all that pain. Here are two quotes from the witty, wise and wonderful Ellie and JJ that have really helped me refocus and spend less energy on wondering and agonizing over why: Quote:
You are making the pretty big ASSumption that he KNOWS why he did it! LOL!!!
Maybe a better tack to take is simply to start talking about what directions you both would like your new R to be going. You know the answer to why the affair started - because isn't it the same for almost every spouse here? He got depressed and/or freaked out about growing older, the OP was available (and/or scheming and manipulative), and the WAS was feeling unloved and unappreciated at home. The excitement of the affair gave them a dopamine rush that temporarily relieved their depression or anxiety and they mistook it for love. Same old same old story - you'd THINK people would be more imaginative, wouldn't you??? I'm in agreement with kml here. Sometimes, rehashing the past "stuff", the reasons "why", keeps the thoughts and memories of the A alive. We want that bugger dead, cremated, and ashes scattered to the wind!
It's usually much better to move forward, and keep doing the "what works" to keep things going in the right direction, so it doesn't happen again. Communication is key, so that you are BOTH able to ask for what you want.
I, too, don't want to know all the details. I know more than I want to already.
Also, as kml says too, it would be the same old same old story. He's probably not even sure exactly why! It's rarely ever any one big thing.
I think that it was in the KLA tapes where Michele quoted someone as saying, "If you don't have an affair with your partner, someone else will". Concentrate on having an affair with him, and eventually the thoughts of the "why's" will become clearer, and less important, to you.
I went through a phase of lots of weird dreams:
Quote: h and I had a date last night after his class. the place we wanted to go to was too crowded so we had pizza and beer someplace else! About halfway through dinner I sensed this bizarre shift in him...almost as though he had retreated...I felt this standoffishness...a bristley feeling...all of a sudden I felt really afraid and in need of self-protection. It was SO WEIRD! I retreated a bit internally and kind of put up an emotional force field. I was definitely perplexed!
We got home (separate cars) and h said "Did I do something to make you mad?" I said "no way" and gave him a big kiss and we were ok from then on (yah, ok, why didn't I say something about sensing that he was pulling away? partly because that kind of conversation tends to sound contolling to h, and partly because all of a sudden it occurred to me that maybe he HADN'T pulled away but that I HAD first).
Anyway...it was a good lesson for me that even a subtle shift in my mindset and attitude is totally perceptible to h AND that my feeling of FEAR gets transmitted as anger.
I dreamt last night about a FF friend of h. I'm not sure if they're still friends or not but about 5 years ago she was a big thorn in my side. We went thru a phase where I was very uncomfortable with their R -- dinner at their apartment alone, etc. I handled it poorly, came off as a jealous shrew, etc. TBH, though, I still don't entirely know if their r. had any makings of an EA. All I know is that it was a very difficult time in our m. (and there are times when it feels like a precursor to actual ow)...
anyway, I dreamt that she and my h were out and that she came over to my mom's house first (alone). I asked her if they had slept together and she said "of course. He doesn't want to have sex with you. But he always has it with me." My reaction was angry and sad, of course but I said "yah, but he always comes home to me. He doesn't really want you."
************* Goodness...what the heck is up with my psyche? Three days in a row of bizarre dreams? Something's just underneath the surface!
Anyway, driving into work this AM I was dwelling on the dream and also my fear based reaction of last night. I was torquing myself up over FF#1 and OW...thinking "this is a cycle. Why can't he find the love he needs in our m. won't this happen again? can't he just love me and appreciate me and our m?"
Then -- aha moment -- how about turning that last statement into an "I" statement? Can't I just love him and appreciate him and our m?
Duh.
Love him. Appreciate him. Value him. Value our m. Stop turning over the rocks looking for bugs. Heck....sit ON the rock! It's cozy and comfortable there!
What a doofus.
Question about the fears:
Quote:
Sage- Just a question for you - in your earlier days of rebuilding with your H, did you ever have trouble with huge blasts of fear about IT happening again, that just left you parlyzed with terror?
Earlier days? Heck, it still happens NOW. It's nowhere near as frequent (thank goodness) but it is still occasionally present....I just do what you are starting to do...noticing how you are feeling, trying not to react to it adversely etc.
So, yah, it's normal. It's expected. It's been compared here to PTSD...that sometimes the feelings and emotions and fears just take over your body and mind and leave you as you described...
What helps? Some of the things we've talked about on your thread (meditation, keeping up PMA, exercise, good eating, etc)...reminding myself that I can take care of myself if necessary, made it thru the pain, etc.
If it helps at all...I'm amazed at how "far" I've come in terms of panic, fear, feelings, etc. There were days when I didn't think I'd ever feel ok again.
Oh...on your thread you posted "things not to do..." can I add a "thing TO do"???
It's exactly what you did...you noted your fear and as soon as you were able you were able to stop reacting to it...not saying it makes it go AWAY but you were able to name it and ride with it. Very good stuff.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
