h and I made real progress in the “having tough conversations about money” department:
Quote: What did I do differently?
1. Don't have conversations in the heat of the moment.
2. Give a head's up (casually) that something needs to be discussed and by when. DON'T make the head's up seem as though you are wanting the conversation then and there...TO AVOID conflicts, don't give the head's up in tense or difficult times, when you are rushed or sleepy, etc. IOW, even though you don't want to talk about it THEN, don't even issue the reminder in trying times.
3. No longer personalizing these issues has made a big difference a. work on related areas (mine -- CONTROL, his -- ?) b. don't ASSume that the other person is trying to send some MESSAGE by the way they handle interaction c. Soothe yourself if you can instead of bringing up every ASSumption and personalization. Do this by reminding yourself that this ISN'T personal d. DROP THE ROPE -- you do not have to control this e. Let some things roll off of your back -- things that you would have previously reacted to just IGNORE or shrug off f. STOP JUDGING what h is "doing" (or what you ASSume he's doing). Stop labelling him as irresponsible or whatever. g. NOTICE and VERBALLY THANK him for what he IS doing in this area.
Am I crazy to think that this could also apply to other areas for us?
Could I drop the rope re. the aftermath? Recognize and appreciate that we are each handling it in our best way? And that neither way is in fact "right" despite what the pundits say?
Could I stop personalizing h's actions and reactions to me in this area?
Could I stop doing "more of the same" behaviors which encourage him to personalize my actions?
Could I stop judging him? Stop making him feel as though he is irresponsible or insensitive or any of those other bad things?
Could I note and appreciate the ways in which he makes me feel safe, in which he discloses his thoughts and fears, the ways in which he has opened up instead of focusing on what he ISN'T doing?
A pattern I’ve seen again and again:
Quote: I've come to the realization (again?) that my stressed response to work and school is a big factor in my mood and reactions and interactions with h. I really need to identify (and practice!) ways that I can reduce that stress and not bring it home with me!
It’s hard to hear “you always do that” after lots of DB’ing!: Had a bit of a mini-meltdown last night -- I picked h up from the train station after class -- I was tired from school and from a group presentation I had to make. Also, I was feeling "off" and emotional due to some stuff that had happened with my class group...anyway...we got home and I was off and distracted and not doing a good job of listening to h. Old time Sage stuff...and h noted and sort of walked off. I came upstairs and apologized "I'm sorry I was distracted and trying to open the mail" and he said "that's ok...you always do that".
Sigh. NO. I USED to always do that.
I don't ALWAYS do that now. I really don't.
But, I need to take his words to heart, right? He didn't say them in anger...just observation.
Tears sprang into my eyes.
Little sage fists came out to beat myself up.
H was great...held my hand, gave me a kiss or two and some giant hugs. Told me he's worried about me -- I'm under so much stress...told me he was taking me out for a surprise date tonight (chock full of positives, no?). that's a wonderful cure for my tiredness and sadness and all.
i asked him if my stress was having a bad ripple effect onto him. He said "no" that my stress only stresses him out when he thinks it might be as a result of HIM! Is that the key? Just letting him know the source and that he HELPS?
I just like this post:
Quote: I realized a couple of things yesterday that I need to put into action...first of all, I'm trying too hard to do too much...I've got too many "balls in the air" so to speak and it's just wearing at me. I finished up a court report for my volunteer job (one of the balls!) and sent a note reminding them yet again that they NEED to assign a new person to the case in lieu of me. As much as it breaks my heart to not be working on this right now..it breaks my heart even more to realize that I'm just doing a poor job and the kids are the ones that suffer. I WILL get back to doing this work that is so important to me when I am done with school OR thru a new job.
The second thing I realized is that SO MUCH OF MY STRESS is self-created (DUH ) and is a result of an emotional spin that I put on everything (double DUH ). It's not just that I say "oh, I have so much to do for this court report" -- I say "oh, I have so much to do, and I'm not spending enough time on it, and I'm a bad volunteer and I've let the kids down and how can I fool myself into thinking...blah, blah, blah". The same thing happens with work and school and home and family and ...I throw this emotional garbage on top of everything and it gets worse the more I have on my plate.
Also...when did I stop being TRUE to myself? I don't know that I'm going to explain this well but here goes...I also think that a lot of my stress is due to the fact that I'm allowing myself to prioritize things that aren't important to my value system and deprioritizing things that are.
For example: I've spent oodles of time over the last few weeks trying to put a staffing plan together that SHOWS upper management how impossibly stretched thin we are. I keep having to go back at it because they are pretending (!!) not to get it.
They get it.
And every minute that I'm spending on that crap is a minute that I'm NOT spending on my overdue performance reviews for my people. VERY overdue.
When did I become a manager who prioritized appeasing upper management over managing my employees?
Obviously, managing up is a big part of my job but I've wrapped myself around an axle trying to appease them...I HAVE the data...I'm going to stop pussyfooting around it.
Another example...I had a group project due a few days ago. It's a pretty high powered, intelligent group of people. I actually call myself the "weak link" in the group Anyway...we met over the weekend and I raised two concerns I had with the way we were approaching our project. The general response was "yah, ok, nice points, let's move on". I left the meeting feeling very down...I personalized the responses...I felt very inadequate...I felt irked at myself that I couldn't articulate my concerns, etc.
We gave our presentation earlier this week to a panel.
They had two concerns with our presentation.
Can you guess what they were?
This is far less about "I told you so" and FAR MORE about the time that I spent doubting myself and BEATING MYSELF UP over it.
The #3 and BIG positive from last night (oh, wait, number 3 is the "it's 2:15 and I'm calling to tell you I love you" phone call I got) was that when I talked with h last night about all of the above he very earnestly took my hand in his, looked into my eyes and said "honey, I think you are doing a wonderful job keeping all the balls in the air. I do not feel the stress in our home".
This was so important for me to hear...and I told him so. I have been SO WORRIED that I was doing "more of the same" at home...you know, the pre-bomb stuff! He also told me that he thinks a part of it is that our stress levels are more evenly matched than they were then.
So...what comes out of this?
1. I have given notice yet again to my volunteer job 2. I made a doctor's appointment...I want to get my blood work done to make sure I'm not reacting to something physical 3. Stop putting an emotional overlay on everything -- use self talk 4. Start prioritizing the things that are connected to my values -- get back to prioritizing my people over process 5. Keep exercising and dieting (yahoo!) 6. Meditate 7. Respect my need for refueling and stop beating myself up for it -- take the 30 minutes for lunch I need (even though others make comments! stop personalizing!); take the alone time I need; I DO know myself and my body best. 8. RELAX!!! 9. Trust in myself. I know what the heck is going on. Stop worrying about everyone else. 10. Hang out with h as often as possible. He is my best de-stressor!
It’s good when you can put yourself in the other’s shoes:
Quote: All of a sudden I was overwhelmed with a wave of compassion and empathy for h and all that he has been thru trying to rebuild this m. with me. Maybe it's the re-reading of my thread (no doubt) but I just felt such sadness over how my insecurities have prolonged the healing. I dunno...I guess his have too in a way.
I'm not dishing out blame here. I'm not beating myself up (CHL). I guess I've just been mired in my recent bout of "I feel weird" crap for so long that I've been completely self-focused. I dunno...something just unblocked it and now I'm left wondering how to heal the hurt that's still there between us.
I don't know...I'm probably not making much sense. It was just as though I could feel hurt and sadness in h's heart -- just another version of an ASSumption, I suppose.
Notes from a book I was reading:
Quote: Read a book called "From Panic to Power" by Lucinda Bassett. Here are some notes from it:
* Your fears are all about losing control. If you want to stay in control, stay in the present instead of projecting into the future.
* Did I want to spend the rest of my life like this, blaming others for my pain, blaming past situations for my anxiety?
* Recognize the past is the past. You are in control of your present and your future. the past affects you only if you let it.
* Responsibility means the ability to respond in a situation with control and calmness. It turns out that taking responsibility, as difficult as it is initially, is the only road to peace.
* Admit you are a negative thinker. Accept your negative thinking as a bad habit that needs to be broken. Get really good at tracking your negative thoughts. Replace your negative thoughts with compassionate self-talk.
* You are what you think you are and it's all about your attitude. If you think you aren't happy, you won't be. If you think you can't be successful, you won't be. If you think you're not attractive, you won't be. If you think you can't achieve what you want in your life and you say "what about where I come from?" then my answer is "so, what about where you come from"? do you want to blame your life on your past or do you want to use it aas a motivator? Will you use your childhood as a prison wall to hld you back or as rungs of a ladder that will take you to the top of your potential?
* Begin to dream again. Be specific. Give yourself a timeline. Make a plan of action. Take action.
* Your belief system must change. You must be willing to take a risk.
*If you don't make a conscious effort to stop the analysis you'll overload your brain and feel overwhelmed. Trying to figure everything out makes it all seem complicated, confusing and it produces a tremendous amount of anxiety. Consequently, the old behavior seems easier and getting started or taking risks seems too difficult. this is a subconcious way of resisting. Try releasing this type of resistance by giving yourself a time limit. Tell yourself "All right, I'm going to analyze this for two minutes and then I'm going to stop." the mental discipline is essential to stop the pattern. At first, it may be difficult, but it works.
*Assess each stressful situation against the following options:
Eliminate -- Can you eliminate the source of stress (usually no)
Modify -- can you modifiy the source of stress (usually no)
Underreact -- Can you underreact to the situation (usually YES!)
* Trust is an unconditional surrender to a knowing deep inside yourself that everything is all right, exactly as it is. The outcome is immaterial.
Forgiveness remains an ongoing struggle for me:
Quote: I had kind of an interesting insight yesterday. I think I've mentioned before that I've struggled with forgiveness of my mom ...just had the feeling that some things "shouldn't" happen. Well, I realized yesterday that I've been carrying around this misperception -- the notion that people who LOVE you don't do certain things...and therefore, since certain things have happened, I must be without love in my life. I think it kind of comes down to feeling as though I need to be perfect (because I AM holding myself to the same criteria) and that others need to be perfect and that if we're NOT then our love is flawed.
BUT...people who love each other DO make mistakes. I HAVE hurt others who are important to me...those I love...and I have been hurt by those who love me...opening myself up to the reality that mistakes and missteps and flaws ARE part of the love experience unblocks me, I think. It allows me to see that forgiveness is not only possible but necessary -- not just for others but also for myself.
It seemed clearer when I had the epiphany yesterday
Anyway...the net is that I realized yesterday that I've been discounting the LOVE in my life based on some misperceptions about the need for PERFECTION in my actions and those around me.
More thoughts on my brain on overdrive:
Quote: I was thinking about how I'm struggling a bit lately with wanting to be ACCEPTED in my m. for ME...for my personality and traits and plusses and minuses. I was feeling a bit righteous -- like -- I want h to appreciate my organization and my thinking. I want him to accept the manner in which I'm healing...the methods (meditation, yoga, reading) that are meaningful to me, etc.
I was thinking about his statements during the bomb: how I chew stuff up and spit it out, how I'm always looking for a new "solution" in a book or something.
I started thinking "I want to be ME in our M. I want h. to be HIM. I want to be appreciated and accepted". I may have even "harumphed".
And then I started REALLY thinking...about how h told me a few weeks ago he really appreciates my taking the time to investigate solutions (to our vacation plans), how h is totally supportive when I get up in the AM to do yoga, how he keeps bringing up the meditation/yoga place that I was supposed to go to a few years ago that I couldn't go, how he thanks me for my contribution, my energy.
He DOES see the positive aspects of my personality. The "thinking" not the "chewing stuff up", etc.
Maybe the one who's resisting ME being ME is ME?
it's not fair of me to blame h or anyone else actually for not "accepting" me because the simplest truth is that I've been unable or unwilling for a long time to sit in my skin and just be me. The ultimate fear is that if I am just me, warts and all so to speak, that the entire population will just shrink back in horror. So I try to twist and turn myself to fit some mold I think I need to fit.
The hardest part is that my lack of self-acceptance just screams out "I'm not HAPPY" and "why can't we ALL be better?" and sends this mist of perfectionism over not just the way I view ME but the way folks just generally feel in my presence I think.
IOW, my inability to accept ME seems to shout the message that I find everyone unacceptable.
UGH.
How my signature line came to be!:
Quote: ...and it reminds me of the cycle that I've gotten myself into that just flies in the face of the successful DB'ing I've done..
What cycle?
You know the one...where I convince myself that I don't know how to be a good wife, then I get sidetracked and get mad because I think h hasn't talked enough about what led to the A, and then I start feeling demoralized and then I start stressing out (oh, wait, maybe I already WAS stressing out?) and then I start putting too much pressure on me, on him, and then things feel awkward and then I wonder why h doesn't tell me stuff and then I start beating me up and probably him too and...
So, what's the key?
The key is I feel like I don't know HOW to be a good wife and my anger at not rehashing the A is really about anger at not getting a laundry list from him of what he NEEDS.
But that's crap, no, because I know (at least in part) what he NEEDS...because he HAS said it, and because I've gleaned it and because when I really listen he's actually pretty clear (even though the conversation hasn't ever started "I had an A because you didn't do XYZ...").
He said "you were so angry all the time". He said "I thought our m. was already over."
I know so many of the things that work (relaxing, spending time together, listening more, etc) and so many of the things that don't (constantly looking for the next issue to solve, too much churning, acting like a time bomb, etc).
Relax. Appreciate. Observe. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Let yourself be loved. Open. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful. Share. Smile.
More book notes:
Quote: A few weeks ago I finished a book called "Addicted to Unhappiness" by Pieper. I kept meaning to post notes but kept putting it off!
Basic (overly simplified, may be BS) premise is this: As an adult, you'll do what it takes to re-create interactions that remind you of your childhood -- not only the good ones but the bad ones too.
Not trying to be anti-DB here by delving into childhoods
************ * An adult who experiences anger of disapproval from annother can evaluate the reasonableness of the other's behavior. But when children are punished or faced with disapproval for not living up to expectations that are too high, even though they may feel angry, underneath they always believe that whatever their parents do is right. As a result they conclude that whatever unhappiness they feel is what their parents intend and that they themselves will be happiest if they become just like their parents and treat themselves and others exactly as their parents treated them.
* If you are a person who turns on yourself or others when things go wrong, the first step in changing this painful behavior is to understand that unknowingly you are trying to comfort yourself by feeling the way you thought your parents wanted you to feel... when you respond to losses by turning on yourself or others, at some level you feel loved and valued.
* Experiences of genuine happiness may arouse unrecognized needs for unhappiness. You may subtly undermine positive efforts you are making toward goals...when you achieve a goal you have long sought you may experience unaccountable periods of depression, self-criticism and anxiety that you don't realize are reactions to your success.
*If your parents misunderstood your needs or for some reason were unable to attend to them, out of love for your parents and in an attempt to care for yourself exactly as they cared for you, you unknowingly developed the desire to make yourself happy by causing yourself the familiar discomfort you regularly experienced with your parents.
* Accept the fact that there is a way in which feeling badly also makes you feel comfortable or comforted. there are a wide range of painful emotions that can feel familiar and therefore soothing (depression, anxiety, fear, lack of purpose, helplessness, anger, suspicion, loneliness, self-criticism)
* Identify when you are most likely to seek out painful emotions. Once you know under what circumstances you are likely to slip into a painful mood, you may find that anticipating it will enable you to head it off.
*...she realized that after a day that had gone well she would dwell on aspects of her life that weren't perfect and would feel dissatisfied and irritable. At the same time she also noticed that when her day went badly she usually felt on an even keel.
* when people make a good friend or fall in love with a delightful person, their addiction to unhappiness can often spoil the pleasure to be had in the relationship by causing them to overlook the other's strengths and overemphasize the other's weaknesses.
* Once you have determined that the relationship is worth preserving, you need to close the door on the thought that if the going gets tough you can always walk away. Knowing that you are in the relationship for the long haul will make the conflict that is so gratifying to the addiction to unhappiness seem even less appealing and will push you to work toward solutions that are much more constructive than the false comfort you feel when you think about leaving.
* The "comfort" you feel when you think about walking out is really unhappiness in disguise. Ending the relationship would cause the real unhappiness of knowingyou have lost an important relationship that added quality to your life. In contrast to the false pleasure that comes from thinking about leaving a good relationship every time conflict arises, you will experience genuine pleasure from knowing that your commitment to your relationship is rock solid even at times when things aren't going particularly well.
* learn to thwart the demands of your own addiction to unhappiness. Learn how to avoid stirring up conflict, recognize that some areas are just differences of opinion and stop blaming unrelated emotional pain on the relationship.
* People unknowlingly seek to recreate painful emotions because early in childhood they confused these emotions with happiness
* Holding a relationship responsible for always making you happy will destroy it.
Good indication that DB’ing and making changes gets noticed:
Quote: Anyway -- before the movies started h thanked me for being "the best wife" -- never one to pass up an opportunity for data, I asked him what made me such a great wife then offered "just list the top three things" .
He said: My overall thoughtfulness My sense of humor that keeps increasing and just cracks him up
AND
my enthusiasm for things
As an example for the last one he said that he loved how I was just very excited about the telescope and hadn't made any comments or showed signs of reservation about how much it had cost, whether it was practical, etc.
I told him that I knew that that hadn't always been true (it hasn't ) and that I was sorry for that.
He said he just really appreciated the fact that I trust him to not be irresponsible.
THAT is a direct result of me dropping the rope (feeling as though I always needed to CONTROL everything) and just letting h be -- well, and noting and appreciating all the great stuff he does.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
