Looking backward...but only to move forward FOUR

[sage]

Hey all,

It's my last day of work for the week -- I'm taking Thursday and Friday off to relax with h. On Friday I have yet another interview for that job...this time I'm interviewing with one of their scientific advisors. On paper he looks quite intimidating!

h had his last exam last night -- he is officially done with his second year of law school! I met him afterwards and he was so psyched and happy. He's already up and about at home (got up early than I did this AM and I had to go to work!) looking for projects and the like!

He's been really wonderful and affectionate and verbal of late. He left me a vm here at work that almost made me cry! I don't know if he senses it but I've been having a tough time lately...just feeling off balance and insecure. I'm trying to work through it myself without bringing it up to him but he's reacting as though he KNOWS anyway. I guess I'm telegraphing a bit of neediness. Trying to let that go.

Here's my beliefnet horoscope (I swear, I do not scan the net looking for astrology!):

You feel as if you are walking along the edge of a steep cliff. It is so exciting with such a great view, but one little slip and you are a goner. The thing is that it's all in your mind. There really is no cliff and if you did slip, you'd just skin your knee. But the mind is a powerful thing and it all seems so real. You can change the level of danger by changing your mind.

It really speaks to me in volume!

and, of course, my cainercast is a good reminder to me to slow down and mellow out a bit:

The purpose of life is not 'to be efficient'. If all we had to do was
arrive on this planet, accomplish a particular task and then move on,
we could be in and out in a matter of weeks. There would be none of
this 'baby' business. We'd be born fully grown, so as not to waste
time. Nor would we bother with holidays, relationships, hobbies or any
of the other nonessential activities. Nonessential? Well, that's my
point. It's not efficiency you need now, it's inspiration. And that's
what you're about to get.

I've been reading a book that my sister recommended to a depressed friend of my other sister's (wow, that's a mouthful!). It's called "Self-Coaching" by Joseph Luciani. I'm about 1/3 of the way into it and I'm enjoying it. It's essentially about how we create our worlds through our thoughts and subsequent actions and that if our thoughts are skewed by insecurity or self-doubt that we can end up anxious or depressed. It talks a lot about negative "self-soothing" behaviors like intense needs for control or worrying incessantly or my favorite, "rumination" . I've noticed in myself lately that while my overt "controlling" actions have definitely abated, my rumination and "what-iffing" has been quite high (I'm just doing better at not translating it into negative action but I'm not sure it's doing my psyche much good!). Anyway, it's an interesting read so check it out if you happen to be a runaway thinker.

Sage