Looking backward...but only to move forward FOUR

[sage]

Hey slowly! I've been checking out your thread and seeing lots of good thinking and advice emerging! The journey is tough, no?

I hereby declare the rest of this week "cutting Sage and her h some slack" week...heck, let's issue that edict from now until the end of school for h -- May 17th. anyone that cares to join in and take a break from beating themselves up and holding themselves up to too high standards is welcome! We'll window shop and have leisurely coffee breaks and buy a small trinket or two and read trashy magazines as often as possible.

I was a big goofball yesterday but I think it ended up well. Work was stressful plus homework plus worrying about the new job interview (scheduled for 5/13!). h was studying all day (his first exam is tonight) and he called me from the train station. He started talking about his day and it was all "we did this and we did that" where "we" is h and ff. I got all quiet and he asked if he had said something wrong and I just said "No, long day". I agreed to pick him up at the train.

I was all weepy on the way but was good about acting "as if" when I saw him. We got home and he was great -- clearly trying to make me feel better, asked me out for a romantic date for Friday (he said he was cancelling some plans he has with his guyfriends), etc. His attention WORKED and I did feel better and I suggested he go relax while I cook (I think he really appreciated that break!).

Dinner was great and afterwards I finally said "I'm feeling jealous of ff" and he looked alarmed and said "I'm not attracted to ff" and I said "I'm not asking if you are...I'm just telling you I'm feeling jealous because the two of you spend more time together of late than we do". (Big whiny bad DB'ing sage! Not even listening to him! arrgh!) Anyway, he said "I've been really focused on myself and doing what's best for me and 1 on 1 studying is what I really need to do well on this exam." He said is openly and calmly and warmly and it just clicked right there. All of my "how can he not know what this is doing to me?" thoughts got answered in that he just wasn't thinking beyond really, really, really getting a good grade.

I talked to him a while ago and he's really nervous. Crank up the good vibe machine!

I feel a lot better and I swear I'm going to stop beating myself up for having a tough time and kicking myself for not DB'ing better ...and I'm gonna back off a bunch on h and see what I can do to relieve his stress not add to it!

Sage