Looking backward...but only to move forward FOUR

[ValerieA]

Hi, Sage.

I'm sorry to hear that you had an "off" day with H. You've helped me enormously with my sitch, and I wish I could do the same for you.

I think it's nice that H tried to comfort and reassure you after picking up on your uneasiness. You may have been hoping for more, but he did try.

Have you thought about actually going with H while he studies with ff? It might help ease your anxiety a bit. Just a thought.

I hope the rest of your weekend went well.

JV

[kml]

Sage -

I want to stress that I'm not thinking anything is going on -- not in any way -- and h is clearly trying to talk about ff to make me more comfortable, he's asked me to be there while they're studying and goes out of his way to be loving, etc. I can FEEL that it's not the same. But I'm still tired and scared and sad inside sometimes...it just brings back that godawful time when h was lying his gd head off to me everyday and I KNEW it. When he turned into such a monster.

First - if he's offered for you to join him when they study - then DO IT. Nothing like a highly visible wife to help deter potential OW.

Second - perhaps it would help you to use a technique H and I use. We refer to our old selves as our exes. H is my NEW husband - that rat who lied to me before is my ex. It's okay to be mad about the things my ex did, but not to blame my "new" H for them. And it's true - we have both changed in substantial ways, we are no longer the same two people.

Ellie

[slowly]

Ellie - I like the idea of refering to our old selves as exes

Slowly

[sage]

Hi everyone, thanks for the responses.

F4w, thanks for the male perspective! I definitely needed it!

JV, you are doing so great in your sitch. Thanks for taking the time out to visit me and offer kind words.

Ellie and Slowly, yes, referring to my "ex" sounds like a great idea. And Ellie, I KNEW you'd pick up on the studying thing! It was just sort of impossible for me to go Sat. but next time he asks, I'm there!

The rest of the weekend went well. We got up Sun and went to the gym and then ran errands. We did homework for a lot of the day and then went out to eat last night. h was being very affectionate and loving and understanding. He really was a big part of making me feel better.

Today he has my cell at school and he's called 2x. FF walked by and said something to him while he was on the phone with me -- I wouldn't have known because I didn't hear anything but he was quick to tell me what she had said.

A major, major positive happened yesterday...h brought up a subject with me that is a tough one for him ... he brought up some concerns he's been having and we had a brief but very positive conversation. He had some suggestions on on fixes to make and he listened to mine too. I thanked him for bringing up this very difficult subject and once again he said to me "I know I can bring this kind of stuff up with you now. I really feel comfortable talking about stuff like this." As you all know, this is BIG and a direct result of lots of hard work on both sides. Learning to manage my reactions has really made a big difference.

I'm off! I'll check in with you guys later!

Sage

[Heart2Heart]

he brought up some concerns he's been having and we had a brief but very positive conversation. He had some suggestions on on fixes to make and he listened to mine too. I thanked him for bringing up this very difficult subject and once again he said to me "I know I can bring this kind of stuff up with you now. I really feel comfortable talking about stuff like this." As you all know, this is BIG and a direct result of lots of hard work on both sides. Learning to manage my reactions has really made a big difference.

And watching you learn to manage your reactions through your thorough posting has been very helpful to me, and others too I'm sure!

Any news on that 'other' job?

Good luck on your final stretch of school! I remember by the time I reached this point in getting my MBA, I was REALLY, REALLY, REALLY ready to be done with school!

Hugs,
-H2H

[sage]

H2H,

How are ya?! I've been reading your thread Seems like some good stuff (both external and internal) going on!

And watching you learn to manage your reactions through your thorough posting has been very helpful to me, and others too I'm sure!

Thanks for this! I've been thinking a bit that maybe I need to journal more -- it hit me this AM that there's been more churn in my brain than I'm liking...of course, that could be stress over school/work/h's school, etc more than anything.

I think I'm much calmer outwardly than I ever was before. Guess h sees it too.

Any news on that 'other' job?

They sent me the job description friday so I have to update my cover letter for them. The job sounds great and definitely a good fit for me. I vacillate between being excited about kicking off interviewing again and being completely bummed/sure they're going to find someone with the EXACT experience they're looking for. Ugh.

Good luck on your final stretch of school! I remember by the time I reached this point in getting my MBA, I was REALLY, REALLY, REALLY ready to be done with school!

Thanks! 8 days until classes are OVER! I'm certainly ready to be done!

Sage

[sage]

Picked h up at the train last night. I had done a quick food shop so we had a roasted chicken (from the market!) plus I made a pasta side dish. Everything was great and h was very appreciative. We watched the game for a bit and then h did some more homework. At one point he asked me if I thought he was doing a good job at school. I replied very positively and pointed out some ways in particular I thought he was kicking butt . It's interesting when he asks for WOA -- perhaps I haven't been giving them freely enough (or perhaps he just needed more!).

I'm cooking dinner tonight. h's first (and most challenging ) exam is tomorrow so it will be low key.

h and I had our first day 19 years ago today. I've known him for 1/2 my life!!! h said this AM "the best half".

Sage

[slowly]

Hi Sage - Good to see things are back on a somewhat even keel.

It's interesting when he asks for WOA -- perhaps I haven't been giving them freely enough (or perhaps he just needed more!).

How wonderful that he feels comfortable enough to ask for what he wants! And a good reminder to me that I need to be more forthcoming with my WOA for NG too

Slowly

[sage]

Hey slowly! I've been checking out your thread and seeing lots of good thinking and advice emerging! The journey is tough, no?

I hereby declare the rest of this week "cutting Sage and her h some slack" week...heck, let's issue that edict from now until the end of school for h -- May 17th. anyone that cares to join in and take a break from beating themselves up and holding themselves up to too high standards is welcome! We'll window shop and have leisurely coffee breaks and buy a small trinket or two and read trashy magazines as often as possible.

I was a big goofball yesterday but I think it ended up well. Work was stressful plus homework plus worrying about the new job interview (scheduled for 5/13!). h was studying all day (his first exam is tonight) and he called me from the train station. He started talking about his day and it was all "we did this and we did that" where "we" is h and ff. I got all quiet and he asked if he had said something wrong and I just said "No, long day". I agreed to pick him up at the train.

I was all weepy on the way but was good about acting "as if" when I saw him. We got home and he was great -- clearly trying to make me feel better, asked me out for a romantic date for Friday (he said he was cancelling some plans he has with his guyfriends), etc. His attention WORKED and I did feel better and I suggested he go relax while I cook (I think he really appreciated that break!).

Dinner was great and afterwards I finally said "I'm feeling jealous of ff" and he looked alarmed and said "I'm not attracted to ff" and I said "I'm not asking if you are...I'm just telling you I'm feeling jealous because the two of you spend more time together of late than we do". (Big whiny bad DB'ing sage! Not even listening to him! arrgh!) Anyway, he said "I've been really focused on myself and doing what's best for me and 1 on 1 studying is what I really need to do well on this exam." He said is openly and calmly and warmly and it just clicked right there. All of my "how can he not know what this is doing to me?" thoughts got answered in that he just wasn't thinking beyond really, really, really getting a good grade.

I talked to him a while ago and he's really nervous. Crank up the good vibe machine!

I feel a lot better and I swear I'm going to stop beating myself up for having a tough time and kicking myself for not DB'ing better ...and I'm gonna back off a bunch on h and see what I can do to relieve his stress not add to it!

Sage

[Heart2Heart]

anyone that cares to join in and take a break from beating themselves up and holding themselves up to too high standards is welcome! We'll window shop and have leisurely coffee breaks and buy a small trinket or two and read trashy magazines as often as possible.

Count me in! Ready, willing & able!

Dinner was great and afterwards I finally said "I'm feeling jealous of ff" and he looked alarmed and said "I'm not attracted to ff" and I said "I'm not asking if you are...I'm just telling you I'm feeling jealous because the two of you spend more time together of late than we do". (Big whiny bad DB'ing sage! Not even listening to him! arrgh!)

Two things:

(1) I thought you said in paragraph 2 that this was "cutting Sage...some slack" week!

(2) BRAVO! I don't see it at all as big whiny bad DB'ing Sage at all. You have given it much consideration, and it remained something that was bothering you. You do need to be able to be honest with H. and tell him when things are bothering you.

Sage, you have worked very hard at creating an environment where you both feel safe to talk to each other and be honest with each other. AND that includes YOU! Could you have said it better or differently, maybe - but who knows? The important thing is that you spoke up and H's response was warm, calm and open.

Good going! Now let's get back to that window shopping, huh?

Big hugs,
-H2H