Looking backward...but only to move forward FOUR

[sage]

I was a little cavalier about managing my anxieties yesterday... I met h after his studying and we came home, went to a movie and then out to dinner. At the tail end of dinner he mentioned ff again...for like the third time since I had picked him up. Something just got so exhausted inside of me...I wanted to burst into tears!

I think he sensed it because he was very loving and affectionate after that (well, tbh, he's usually that way -- just more so!). He seemed to go out of his way.

I wanted to cry for the rest of the night and did after we went to bed. I want to stress that I'm not thinking anything is going on -- not in any way -- and h is clearly trying to talk about ff to make me more comfortable, he's asked me to be there while they're studying and goes out of his way to be loving, etc. I can FEEL that it's not the same. But I'm still tired and scared and sad inside sometimes...it just brings back that godawful time when h was lying his gd head off to me everyday and I KNEW it. When he turned into such a monster.

Again, a thousand times, I'm not saying that's what's up here...just that all my anxiety and fear comes roaring back after a time...I know he knows how hard I'm working to combat that and I think he appreciates it.

I was thinking last night what else he could do to make this better (why not? thinking is free!). Maybe some acknowledgement from him that he GETS it. And more wouldn't hurt either.

I don't want to create a losing situation here...one where he feels as though he can't talk about stuff (since that was one of our problems before and we've come a long way!)...I think I just need a rest.

More homework today then I plan on relaxing tonight

Sage