Looking backward...but only to move forward FOUR

[sage]

Hi guys,

Thanks so much for the visits and the support.

I talked to h a few times from work yesterday. It went well. When I got home from work he was relaxing and suggested that we go to a sports bar to grab some food and play air hockey (actually, he tried to "charade" it to me but it was a disaster! )


We went, had food, he kicked my butt at air hockey AND the hockey game with the little guys on swivel sticks. We came home and watched tv. I also had to call my mom back since she had left a message so that felt a little stressful to me.

This morning h was studying when I left for work. He called me before he left for school. I'll see him later this evening -- we're staying in and I'm cooking dinner (I hope it can live up to his cooking!)
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Here's my cainercast for today:
We all have talents that we rarely get a chance to use. We have
abilities too, that we don't even realise we have been born blessed
with. It is only when circumstances force our hand that we find
ourselves drawing on these inner resources. You are now being
challenged, stretched and put to the test. Before deciding that any of
this is deeply unfair, reach within yourself and see what you can
bring forth by way of an idea, a solution or a response.

I think the reason that I'm having a tough time right now is that h's withdrawal reminds me heavily of the prebomb days. And, I think there's good reason for that...see, what's contributing right now to h's depressed mood is that he's in pain -- not feeling well as a result of a kidney disease that he has -- it was diagnosed some time before the bomb and the discomfort that it has caused has ebbed and flowed but was significantly bad a year or so before the bomb.

I've watched my responses to him over the last few days and it feels like "more of the same" to me....when he gets withdrawn and quiet and depressed I do the following:

1. ASSume that it's me -- that I've done something wrong -- that he's mad or hates me or is irked. I make it all about me -- not because I'm TRYING to be narcissistic but because it's my pattern -- believing that I must have done something wrong so that I can FIX IT.

It's invalidating to h...it creates tension and churn in the house and whether or not I like to admit it, it makes me look and act self-centered and self-important! PLUS, it means that I'm spending so much time thinking about ME that I'm not doing a great job of listening to him.

2. I go into "fix it" mode -- it left to my own devices I would be full of suggestions for h -- doctors to see, exercises to try, alternative therapies, meditation, acupuncture, research, diet, everything. I'd be reading books and googling and all over it. But, again, it's not his style or his comfort zone and when I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off I'm ignoring HIS pace and his needs. (and, again, I'm not doing a great job of listening to him!). I can react to his requests for help and I can try through some ACTIONS to be more positive and helpful but hammering him with information and my thoughts gets in the way of my listening.

3. I distance myself from him...because I'm half wrapped up in feeling like it's my fault and half wrapped up in feeling uncomfortable being around someone who's feeling so down, I start retreating...instead of being able to "sit with it" I become ms. action oriented -- running here and there because it makes ME feel better. Well...h, I think, feels better when I'm WITH him and when I'm just THERE...comfortable with him, accepting of how he is.

These are just some thoughts I've come up with....I think that seeing my three main reactions (thinking it's all about me, going into fix it mode and then distancing) gives me good fodder for making some changes.

Sage