Yes, my humour is starting to return so I think I am over the shock of his horrible email.
I definitely need some me time, just for me, sans H, sans kids, sans everything, just for me. I sometimes feel like I don't matter and it's only my family that counts.
DD4 slept in my bed every night since he sent that email, so bless her, she must have known something was not right. I did well, though, and managed not to cry in front of her.
I had my aromatherapy massage which wiped me out (it was really nice, I didn't realise how much pain my back was in until she did the massage). Slept for 3 hours after that massage, in the middle of the day, so it must have done me good.
My other friend is paying for a web design course for me to do for my work, so I am going to the college to enroll soon and that will be good GAL work. The business advice people are also helping me.
I'm enrolling Alicia into playschool too. I can't believe my little girl is nearly 3. It only seems 5 minutes since I was pregnant. She will either start in September or December, depending on the number of places available.
This evening I did a spell (don't laugh, everybody) for H to come back and us get remarried. Don't know if that kind of thing works or whether it's just nonsense, but when you're as desperate as me to fix your R's you'll try anything
Now I'll just wait and see if it works and if it doesn't, that means I'm better off without him.
It might be total rubbish but it made me feel better doing something.
Sounds like the donation went well. I hope any hurting goes away soon. Your DD loves you very much!
I get the coffee usage. I think my W uses it the same way. In fact, she used very similar words to describe her usage once before.
Nicely done picking up the PMA. I really feel for you, yet there is nothing left to do but work hard at self-care and to wait. I am so glad you have good friends like that, there with you.
These are my last few hrs as a married man, Jo. We didn't go thru the battles that you and H did, yet I'm not unwilling to admit that I'm a bit scared. I may never have another chance with her. Didnt' try the "one last hug/kiss" thing with her, as she was acting ansy and cold, and physical closeness has always been somewhat threatening for her.
I can relate completely regarding hiding one's emotions from others. I did that with S5 this weekend as well.
Quote: I had my aromatherapy massage which wiped me out (it was really nice
Good for you. You deserve something pleasant.
Sorry I didn't sat happy birthday on the correct day. But Happy birthday Jo.
I haven't posted for a couple of days because of some severe back pains. Going in for some special exercises on monday maybe.
Quote: It might be total rubbish but it made me feel better doing something.
I suppose that is more true than most people are will to admit. If were were not hopeful, we would be posting he/she is a monster on some divorce advice board.
Well, I had a dream last night of a red rose and then this morning I woke up and found myself singing the nuersery rhyme, 'little bo peep' - you know the words, 'little bo peep has lost her sheep an doesn't know where to find them, leave them alone and they'll come home wagging their tags behind them'
LEAVE THEM ALONE AND THEY'LL COME HOME.
I take this as a hint from my subconscious, so I'm doing what the song says and leaving them alone so they'll come home.
Roses in dreams also symbolise love (I have had dreams which come true since age 13 which is why I believe in God. I didn't believe in anything prior to that) so I don't believe it is over yet.
Either that or it means I will meet somebody else. But for now I am dark on them and will see if that works. It did do all the other times, I might just have to give him a little while.
I've made a few decisions though. I've stopped our SL altogether and won't allow it unless he remarries me first. I think in some sitchs, sex is good for estranged partners but in my case, with this going on for so long, I feel it becomes a habit and I'm sure H is under the impression he could get it no matter how he treats me - it doesn't foster respect so that is a complete no no now.
If he asks for sex again I shall tell him we will on our wedding night. Otherwise I'm not trying on this R anymore.
I've also emailed H's father and told him everything to expose the way he treats me to his family so that he will have to face up to his actions. I spoke at length with ex-ow on the same issues.
I'm not worried about telling people at all; he needs to have more respect for me before anything can develop.
Lou, definitely do your back exercises and go and buy some fresh fish which is good for joint and back pain.
Gabriel - try to see your D as just a piece of paper. It cannot obliterate your M. You were buying family passes and she liked that. Don't give in to negative thoughts, try the STOP sign technique.
You have more chances than me as you get on well with your W and parent your S5 together. No one knows what is going to happen in the future or what our partners will do. It is only over once you decide you've had enough of trying, and by the time that happens (which it might not) you probably won't want her anyway.
I think my H is pushing me to that point and I will probably have gone passed it by the time he admits his feelings.
Hope your day went better, and that you were able to hold onto that greater sense of peace.
I believe in dreams having meaning as well. Yours held an excellent meaning - what a great message about the role of detachment. Protective to the person and hopefully, purposeful for the other in terms of space/time for work to get done.
You have lots of positives in your sitch, Jo. You've had 4 little ones that bind you together, you have the health and political interests, and he is definitely very attracted to you. I would guess that he got scared and began to screw up b/c of that.
You are wise to back away for now. While you sit tight, try to keep the self-care going. I wish I had a friend who was a massage therapist! That sounded great!
It must have been a tough day for you, but remember, the D is not your M. You can still try at that regardless. Your W sounds as if she didn't really want it.
Today has been a reasonable day for me. I didn't cry all day, nor even want to, which is great. I got loads of newsletters posted. I filled up this trolley full of mail and wheeled it to the postbox. I posted so many, it jammed up the postbox
DD4 was helping me with them, passing me the envelopes. She's not yet 3 and already working for the family business! Still have days worth of stuff to do.
LOU - HOW DO I SEND SOMETHING AS A PDF FILE???? One of my customers wants a pdf document and I don't have a clue.
I also looked up different courses today as I want to do more than 1, but it's deciding the direction to go in. So much choice and not enough money
Didn't work on my book at all as I didn't want to think of my sitch. I took dd4 to a hill and she ran around on the grass. The weather was warm today, for April.
This evening I read her a book about a chocolate cake and we have decided we are going to go and buy the ingredients and bake the cake.
Re the dreams, I have been interpreting dreams for people since I was 13 (a bit like Joseph and his multi colour coat in the bible, Lol) and I was really rather good at it so even my mother would come to me and ask me to interpret her dream - that was when we were still friends.
I have a dream diary and all the events with H that I described to you on here I wrote about in the diary before they happened. I've been going through the diary and ticking things off, lol.
It helps sometimes as you can be more prepared when you have prior warning. Sometimes I don't like it, though, as you can also dream of bad stuff which then makes me worry. Like I knew about the OW before he even met her as I dreamt of her and I was able to tell him what she looked like before I'd seen her, which freaked him out massively
I also see images when I am in a relaxed state and I spontaneously sing songs which have lyrics which mean something to my situation and then I can take the advice from the song.
You probably all think I'm NUTS now!
It helps me greatly in times of stress.
Jo - dodging the DB'ers who want to cart her off to the funny farm
I remember having vivid dreams as a child and up till a few years ago. Now it seems like I either don't dream or can't remember a bloody thing about them, if I'm having them at all! Sheesh!
Everyone dreams every night because if we didn't we would go clinically insane.
Dreams occur during REM sleep (rapid eye movement sleep) and scientists have discovered that if they persistantly wake someone up during the REM phase of sleep, they start getting disorientated and hallucinating.
When they are allowed to go back to sleep, they immediately resume the REM dreaming phase, so it has some clinical necessity.
You would go crazy if you didn't dream.
A human being has six senses, hearing, sight, smell, taste, touch and extra sensory perception. The latter is dormant in most people because they don't use it. All people can have this ability if they know how to develop it - like riding a bike, you don't forget once you know.
This perception is just an intuition and like with my dreams which come true, I think it is a heightened state of intuition. The more you realise that your body and soul are connected, and the more you trust yourself, I think the more you are open to this kind of intuition.
I don't remember my dreams unless I train myself to remember. You have to say to yourself when you go to bed 'I will remember my dream' and usually if you say this enough you will remember it. It's a bit like the positive affirmations that Louise Hay taught, except for the unconscious.
Also keep a note pad by your bed because you remember most in the first few minutes after waking up. I find when I write mine into a diary, I remember them all the time and they are REALLY helpful in giving me guidance in my situation and hope when I feel down.
Well, today I enrolled on a computer course - I have to go to the college next week to pay them. There are 4 classes a week.
They wouldn't let me do the web design course as I have no IT qualifications, so first I am going to do a stage 1 IT course in presentation graphics and desktop publishing (need both for my work) and when I have completed that, they will let me do the website design.
I'm so excited, my appointment is next Thursday the 12th. They will give me free childcare for Alicia.
Also, the business help place have given me details of a grant I might be able to get for my work and details of counselling jobs I could apply for to get more money. There's advice jobs at the Law Centre and Citizens advice which I am REALLY interested in.
I've already done advice jobs (I used to be a counsellor for Rape Crisis and the alcohol problems advisory service and I run a help-line for vaccine injured people now) so I really like the idea of branching off into legal advice - esp. given that I lost my kids in this custody battle. Ever since I have been wondering whether to train in law and help other mothers keep their children (with the exception of mothers who abuse).
So I've decided to apply for a part-time job at Citizens Advice and in September, start training in Law so then I can be a paralegal and support people in court. I phoned the college and they are sending me a brochure of the law course.
I can't even begin tell everyone what this is doing for my PMA!
Also, the IVF clinic phoned and told me my blood results for HSH were at 6.1 - don't know what this means, but apparently that's good and means I'm very fertile!
This did my female ego a lot of good to hear that! The consultant has to sign his approval, which he should do on Thursday this week. Then the clinic will ring me beginning of next week to haul me in fo more needles!
(don't laugh, everybody) for H to come back and us get remarried. Don't know if that kind of thing works or whether it's just nonsense, but when you're as desperate as me to fix your R's you'll try anything 