He's not trying. He's given up, hence his email saying he didn't want to try on the R anymore because I don't agree with everything he says.
Of course my invites to the ballet will not happen now, nor anything else UNLESS HE SAYS SO, which is the point.
He did forget my birthday (TOMORROW), they all did, not just him. The younger ones I know wouldn't know, but dd1 is supposed to remember my birthday. She didn't mention it when she came.
The only reason they realised is because I was complaining to EX-OW that it was my birthday tomorrow and they were supposed to be staying over and now he's done this, my plans are up the spout. I was so upset I arranged to go to a friend, and he's so busy being angry he didn't even remember.
She (dd1) came with flowers and stuff when they brought Alicia back. They wouldn't have if I hadn't mentioned it to EX-OW.
The only reason he drives to mine is because he moved to another town after we split up (he doesn't live in Nottingham). He said at the time the reason he moved was to keep me away from him and the girls.
I have no car, have difficulty walking (cannot walk outside at all without walking aid or holding onto walls etc) and for me to go fetch her from his house would mean 4 taxi's, and 2 buses each journey which would take a substantial portion of my day and cost me loads of money (more than I can afford). Therefore, I told him from the outset that I would not bring Alicia to him. I told him since he moved to that town to keep me at a distance, he could come collect her.
I stated I would do transportation if he moved back to my home town.
Therefore I don't think him coming to my house was anything to get excited over. He does to pick up Alicia etc. That was the reason he was here today.
I don't get it either, Gabriel, but then he is like this. He ended our M in the same fashion. We didn't fight as such, we were overworked but we got on the majority of our M, then one evening he turns around and gives me the bomb - that was after he ASKED me to get pg. Hence Alicia being born after separation.
He has always been like that. When we split up after our baby died, his leaving was sudden then too. There is never any warning or anything that I do to make him do that. I mean, he told me he loved me a few weeks ago and now this. But it is in character for him, at least.
I was already massively upset before he came to get Alicia because of his email basically giing me the brush off after four and a half months of effort, and 2 and a half years of hell before that, and I've not been eating correctly and drinking loads of coffee (too much), period is here again and we had so many plans for my birthday (he and they were supposed to be sleeping overnight for the first time, I thought they might do something nice for me - it was supposed to be a turning point and now this). I simply cannot believe he couldn't have waited until AFTER my birthday.
I was in tears for about 3 hours before he even turned up, didn't do any work even though I'm supposed to and fell asleep from too much crying. I really did not want to see him today at all but had to because of child contact.
H is not bothered about the egg donation, he just likes to keep tabs on my life and wonders when he hears something about me that I haven't told him myself.
Re the pictures, when you go through a custody battle, it takes years, your mothering skills are up on stand, you are encouraged to fight with your ex. All we did from when they were 5 and 4, was fight. He took them and disappeared. He barred all access. I couldn't find them for over a month and even when I did, he still barred my access.
He would snatch the kids by force and even took the baby when she was 3 weeks old, leaving me distraught. I had to beg him to return her, which he only did because she was breast fed. This occured continously for about a year.
You imagine what that does to your ability to bond with your children. I was just scared for the majority of her babyhood and would say I missed out on my other dd's from that time.
We even ran away to another town briefly to get away because he kept breaking my court orders. I would try to be a family, then he'd snatch again and I'd be hysterical and with the police round etc. During the times when he took them, I found their photographs too distressing so I took down all the photos in the house and tried to blot them out of my mind.
I just carried on with this mental conditioning to protect myself from what he was doing. I had custody off dd3 also and he snatched her. By the time it went to court, she'd been there so long they didn't move her.
Going through all this made me die in a spiritual way. The judge only stopped him snatching when he threatened to sentance him to prison. He has never done it again, since that day.
My R with them was virtually non-existent by then, and dd2 ended up in therapy with a child C.
I had a small victory when I decorated this house last year, I was able to put up their wall portraits for the first time in ages. Their photos no longer have me sobbing like they used to, but I still get massively upset at their pictures - esp. when dd1 writes to me. It brings up grief over 'losing' my family and as yet I have not managed to overcome these feelings.
She sent me an email the other day and when I saw it was her name, my heart nearly raced out of my chest. I thought something was wrong and that's why she was writing. It was so nice to read it and realise there was no problem.
I feel in this stressed state when round them, left over from all the above, that I have trouble getting over.
DD1's note said she hoped I was okay (i.e, not depressed - she is aware I was and is aware when I get down) and that she hoped I had a happy birthday and that she'd done me a card and a picture which her dad said was nice. Oh, and that she thought I was the best mum in the world.
Except I'm not. Very lovely but not true, she deserves better than the emotional baggage that I am. I try my hardest to stay together but I really don't cut it.
I thanked her for the cards but was too upset to have them there. When I get this down I cry in front of her, and I'd rather she didn't see me when I'm in that mood. It isn't healthy.
I agree we shouldn't argue in front of them. The first time when I told him off for getting her to carry the printer, they were all in the house. Second time, they witnessed it.
It was partly why I walked away the last time, because they have seen this from when they were so little and it isn't fair to have 2 parents in constant conflict. A single parent family is nicer than 2 separated, feuding parents.
I felt developing the R was the only way we wouldn't fight over them so when he came back into my life I was doing it as much for them as him.
Now I am totally off-course, he's not remotely interested and I haven't the faintest clue what to do.
I'm so tired of my sitch and whenever I have a victory, it just goes back 3 steps. I mean, he said ILY and now this.
I feel like I'm in total crisis at the moment which is why I didn't want to post.
