Even post-D, it seems like there is a rollercoaster nature to DBing. You and H are definitely experiencing a rough patch. I am sorry that you have to go thru this.
Jo, did H own his 'rigid and inflexible' manner happily, or did he seem to be criticizing himself? It would be so sad to see him throw away a priceless R with you over a little child's right to wear earrings! Doesn't the guy see that there are bigger battles to consider.
He needs to lovingly and detachedly be humbled - ground to a meek, but eye-opened pile of humanity - so as to get rid of this false pride and fear that keeps him in this nonsensical control mode. Not humbled by Jo, mind you, but by life. Christians call this process 'conviction' - to be convinced that life can rather suck without a very key relationship - that with God.
There is no direct effort by others needed to help this lesson along. Merely living life with a vacuum of space where love used to be is enough for the lesson to occur. You might imagine him needing to see that he cannot exist, happily let alone healthily, as an island. And dictators always become paranoid islands amidst the sea of possible human connections around them.
In your sitch, since he jumped into the R with OW, and is still 'living' with her, it may very well be that he is still waiting to START his own work, let alone be ready to pick up and begin a wonderful new R with you. He clearly saw that that superficial, sex-based R with OW was not damping his isolation. Using your DDs as the carrot, he came back to you to see if he could draw you to his island to feed him with your love. He doesn't seem to know yet what love is (un-controlling for one), and doesn't see why you should be unhappy as the dictator's concubine on his remote island.
You are right to back away from him and to watch. But Jo, don't back away from your girls. If you do so, you've just handed him the power in the R again. Hold up a mirror for him to better see his humbleness. More importantly, let your DDs see what a woman is and what she is not. They desparately need you as a role model right now, and he will warp their budding sense of self with his current mindset about Rs and women. Act 'as-if' with him regarding the DDs, that of course he'll let the kids have an afternoon with you, of course he'll bring them over if you want to do an outing with them. Waiting him out is a solid idea, but IMHO your DDs have been punished enough by him via your absence. You'll be feed by their presence in your life, too, Jo.
