Contact with my FIL went well. We talked for a bit on msn and then he went. I didn't know who he was to start with as he was using a screen name and I said 'Who are you?'
My own update I don't think is good but my H probably thinks it went okay. He seemed pretty oblivious to my negative feeling anyway and I don't know whether I'm relieved or whether it just further compounds my feeling that I am no longer important.
I went on the bus as I said and called him on my cell phone to let him know when I would be arriving.
The bus station is right next to the court house so he told me to meet him outside court. We both laughed, it was pretty funny.
Went to the court house like he said and waited a couple of minutes. I haven't seen that building since I lost my kids almost exactly a year to the day. It's a criminal court as well as a civil court so that made it worse. Rapists and murderer's go to the same place I went. They called me the respondent but they should have re-named that defendant.
Anyway, I got to his car and got in. The kids were all jumping up and down, giving me butterfly pictures and said they'd just been to the castle and had lunch there.
This made me feel worse as we got married at the castle. I just thanked them for the pictures and made no comment. I didn't really feel like going to H's house so we went and bought a drink in town which I paid for.
I commented on the inside of H's car - it looks like a spaceship. There is no ignition key, you switch the car on by inserting a plastic card into this slot. The gear stick is up on the dash board near the steering wheel. There is no brake pedal. You brake by pulling this cord on the right hand side of the steering wheel.
Next to the clock and fuel gage is almost like a mini computer. When you get into the car, it says 'please insert card' on this screen in front of you and it shows a diagram of the car and whether you have left a door open or not.
It is very futuristic. I commented on how it looked like a spaceship. I saw this red button near me and said 'What's that for, the eject the XW button?' Then I pretended to press the red button and get 'fried'
H and the kids thought that was funny. I was laughing myself at that point.
We drove to the ballet class but were early so we sat outside talking. Then came the first really low point. H said 'I know you don't want to know this, but your mother's husband was taken to hospital last night with chest pain and breathing difficulties.' I snapped at him 'You're right, I don't want to know.' But then I thought since he'd said I'd check up on his symptoms.
He said chest pain, sweating, unable to get his breath, grey coloured skin.
I said 'That's a heart attack.' He said they didn't know yet, but I said it was. Inside I was thinking if he goes, she'll be on her own and then I will be the first one to slam the door in her face if she comes sobbing to me. Not so strong on your own, are you?
I didn't say this because it's bitchy so I said nothing. I honestly don't care, no matter how shocking other people might think that is. I admit to what I really feel instead of the things I am supposed to feel.
We went into class and watched Lulu's ballet. She took my arm and offered to help me walk on the way in which was sweet for a 5 year old.
She is the oldest in the class and will be going up into the next class soon. H gave up his seat for me, which was nice, but then he introduced me as 'Lucia's mother' instead of Jo, and that really pissed me off badly. I am so sick of play acting whenever we are around people and pretending to be separated all the time. I told him to introduce me as Jo and what does he do? 'Lucia's mother' - arggghhh!!!!!!!!!
Just give everyone a public service anouncement that I am non-custodial and we are divorced, then - but keep the rest of it a secret, why don't you. I nearly walked out then but wanted to see the ballet so I stayed and said nothing as usual.
After the ballet H said we couldn't get chips because he was broke as he just paid �600 for a sunroof for his car, so I offered to do dinner like we were supposed to on Friday. He accepted.
In the car on the way back to mine, dd1 (9 yrs old) pipes up that she wants to get her ears peirced so I explained to her that when I was 7 I had this done an they got infected and I was told to close them up after 6 weeks of pain. I told her to wait till she's 13 at least.
H then said 'okay but I don't see what difference age makes, it's up to her what she does with her body.' I tried to say that as parents we are supposed to provide direction and at any rate I hate seeing earings on little kids.
He said that was my view and he didn't want to be controlling of them. I thought 'you do it to me all the time so why not?' but I didn't say anything. We got into minor disagreement over the earrings thing and I felt really hopeless because he doesn't want anyone to help him raise them, not even me. He only calls me their mother so he doesn't have to call me wife or partner or by my name.
He started on about how EX-OW's teenage kids turned out okay and she didn't restrict what they could do. How bloody dare he compare me to her!
I lost my cool and said that ex-ow had had 4 husbands, 3 people that she lived with and now this latest bloke. For the whole of her kids lives, she has dragged them from one man to another and I'm surprised they're not nuts. I said I wasn't taking mothering advice from her.
He responded with 'I don't see why you can't be friends with her, I will always be friends with her.' I thought 'In that case you've just lost your W' but I said nothing. I pointed out to him that the woman testified against me in court and that he made up his entire family situation for the court so I thought it was unreasonable to expect me to be friends with her.
How many men do you know would actually EXPECT me to be friends with their EX-OW who flipping testified against me as well as sleeping with my H? I mean, I am trying my hardest to forgive, I am trying to show unconditional postive regard, I give him my friendship, money, time, love, sex, meals etc and he still expects more from me?
I sometimes feel the level of what he expects from me is simply unobtainable, esp. given the little I get back from him.
He's lucky I'm even speaking to him, never mind anything else. I don't want a M with her in it, even on a friendship level.
We got back to my house and he went in the kitchen and helped himself to some mugs to make coffee. I went in the bathroom and pretended to use the toilet because I needed to re-group.
Kids asked to do Muzzy Spanish so I put the DVD on for them and they all (including H) watched it. H is learning Spanish too.
I went in the kitchen and started cooking. To be honest I was glad I didn't have to be near him.
H and kids ate their meals in the living room, on the sofa. I sat with my plate on the floor as I really didn't want to sit near him.
After dinner he said (all cheerful and nice). 'Well thanks for the meal, hope you liked the ballet, it was interesting.' I just said 'Yes' and nothing else.
Then they left.
DD4 has now gone to bed and I've been sitting here crying and playing 'Just Walk Away' by Celine Dion and 'I'm Walking Away' by Craig David over and over again.
I feel like I am on the verge of becoming a WAW and I wanted to send him an email and just say 'I've had it' but of course I haven't.
I will do nothing and just not contact him. If he doesn't do something ASAP to make me feel vaguely important, that's how it will stay.
