The only reason more mothers have custody than fathers is because most fathers don't contest custody. You are truly a great husband and father for not trying to. The ones that do seem to be successful at getting custody, esp. if they have an OW and can demonstrate '2 parent family' which was the reason why my court reporter changed her mind.
She originally recommended I keep custody but then H got OW and she changed her mind and said he should have them on the basis of 'being a family' and 'being over the relationship (with me)' and being able to 'offer more in a 2 parent family structure.'
Hence, I lost my kids and he'd only known her 5 weeks. Court knew this and didn't care. I said how do you know his R will be permanent with her after 5 weeks? They said it would be, and said I was a cynical XW.
3 months after the final hearing, he was on my doorstep in a state, saying he missed me, that he 'put on an act' with her and didn't love her.
6 months following that we started dating again so he obiously wasn't 'over it' or a '2 parent family' with her. In fact, he admitted to me that he got her purely for court purposes. I wanted to hit him when he said that but I didn't because we'd just met up again and at least he was honest. I told him exactly what I thought in a rather blunt way, and since then we just don't discuss it.
It's better to focus on the future, rather than all that pain. Very clever, the lengths he went to to get them, though, very clever.
There will be a pre-cohabitation agreement (legally) before I move in with him again to pre-determine how we manage our kids in the event (God forbid) that we ever separate again in future. That way we don't run the risk of anymore court drama.
I forgive him for it, no sense in holding on to pain. I have more trouble forgiving EX-OW for her role in the loss of my children. She did apologise and say I was right but that doesn't change things for my daughters. She considered testifying against him at one point but wouldn't because he would have thrown her out of the house and she didn't have anywhere else to live so she wanted to keep on good terms with him.
Anyhow, she will be gone soon and most of this issue doesn't bother me except for a little anger when I dwell on it too much.
I sent you a private email re my work. Please note the site hasn't been updated since 03 and I am waiting for H to take it off line and re-do it. Most of the titles have been taken off line for this reason, and my breast milk book hasn't been added to the site yet but you can still get it with paypal and by sending me an email if you want one.
I hope to do a course in web design soon so I can just update it myself and not rely on H!
I'm catching the bus tomorrow to his town and will be there about 3pm, an hour before the ballet class starts, leaving about 45 mins for coffee at his place before the class.
I'm terrified and suddenly wondering whether I should cancel. I've been writing stuff up about the kids and it has reminded me of when we were apart, how he used to bar my access and not let me be involved. He let me have them 2 days a fortnight but he wouldn't let me be involved in their education, or anything else.
He didn't use to even let me have any school work of theirs when they were at school. I was not allowed on trips out, birthdays or anything else. Even on my time with them he used to tell me what I could and could not do with them and get upset if I did something with them he didn't like.
Eventually after about 2 years and a half of putting up with this, I walked away from them because I couldn't breathe. I couldn't live like that
Now, I'm thinking it's great, he's starting to let me be involved but that is because we are TOGETHER and I'm panicking that if we ever split up in future or this doesn't work out, he will just stop me from having the extra involvement - which he will, I know what he's like.
So I'm terrified of getting too close to them in case he pulls the plug on me mothering them. There would be no more invites to ballet class then.
I'm thinking maybe I should just not be involved until we have moved back in and I know it's going to work?
Also, I don't know what to wear or if EX-OW will be at the house.
He's seen all my clothes that I own even though I get about 5 new outfits a year (I wear every item a lot, I love my clothes).
If I wear something really attractive, he might think I've gone there to get off with him (not true on this particular day),if I wear jeans that's just boring. If EX-OW is at the house, I want to look amazing but without over-doing it.
Jo, Don't worry about getting close to your kids again, getting close to them again is best for you and your kids. By getting closer to them while they grow will benefit everyone. If something starts going wrong in your R you have the knowledge of DBing which can turn things around before they get out of control.
What should you wear? Wear something that makes you feel confident and good about yourself, don't let Ex-OW control any of your thoughts. Remember he is with you now.
Jo you can do it, you have come so far and grown so much as a person in the last few years. You are an inspiration to all of us that read your posts. Go and have a good time with your family.
Great advice from JDD. Work on your Rs with the girls confident that you're here to stay in their lives. He can't do that to you again - ever. You won't let that happen, and you're not that vulnerable anymore because you've learned how to self-care so well. I imagine that H has learned some things as well - he wouldn't be inviting you to their current events if he hadn't.
Look great, and if he anticipates something, feel free to say not tonight dear. Just as he cancelled on you (on Fri?), you can cancel on him in certain ways, letting the anticipation and his efforts grow. Do so nicely and gently though.
You are being a wonderful mother and are a very attractive woman - in many ways. Be confident in that, Jo. Don't let him spoonfeed this confidence to you: being able to own it and know it and remind yourself of it is so much more empowering.
I'm struggling with past pain and resentments today as well...must be the weather
Jo, I can't tell you what to wear. I am not into clothes, but maybe I should take more care in that department.
Quote: I'm terrified and suddenly wondering whether I should cancel.
If you put too much time in being concerned about her, you are giving up some power as a wife to Andy and as a mother to the children. Please go. If it helps you feel any better just imagine me and your other cyber friends being there too.
If you see OW, remember you don't have to like or love her, but you can be cordial or business like. Treat her as your baby sitter your H uses, not as the XOW. I know, easier said than done.
When you get over this step in the process of bringing your R a little closer to your long term goal, it might give you more confidence for future events like this. You can also tell yourself you have another skill that helps leads to handfasting.
Also your daughters will see you as a more willing to be a mom/mum with Andy, than just a mom at moms house. You can be more of a mom at both houses.
Quote: So I'm terrified of getting too close to them in case he pulls the plug on me mothering them.
Go slow at Andy's house. If you maked believe you are their beloved aunt, would that help You? Your R with Andy is like building a savings account a dollar at a time. It takes a lomg time before you might feel there is something in the account that you can count on pulling you through a tough spot. Any little bit helps in the long run.
Quote: Can someone help rise my PMA before tomorrow?
Jo, If we could be with you physically, I am sure we could help in the PMA department big time. Since we can't be there physically, we are mentally. I hope that gives you some PMA. We are cheering for you Jo.
All these replies - aren't I lucky to have so many nice cyber friends?
H notices my clothes always and he ALWAYS comments, especially if he likes something I'm wearing, and this first trip to his house is rather MAJOR to me so I'm just obsessing over what to wear. I want to get this right!
Definitely take more notice of clothes, Lou, and tell your W she looks great and she might like that
I never thought of going there as having power. Thanks for saying that.
I'm not so bothered about the EX-OW, it's just she doesn't know we're dating yet and the last time we had any contact was when she asked to be friends via email and I said 'I don't know' because that didn't seem like a wonderful idea. Then according t H she got offended because I didn't say yes and now I don't know what to say to the woman.
Hopefully she'll be in the cellar with Mr. P!
My kids know I wanted to be there for them. They were interviewed a few times as part of the court process, they asked their father for more time with me and he said no at that time.
I told them after the hearing that it wasn't that I didn't want them, I was just worn out. The oldest one definitely realises what went on and I don't think she bears any grudges against me. She doesn't seem to and has never said anything apart from asking why I don't go to her dad's house.
I already feel like Aunty for real, I think that is the problem. If I felt like a proper mum I don't think I would be intimiated by it.
I suppose I have to start somewhere, though.
I really hope stuff like this does lead to the hand-fasting
I've already planned where I want it and everything I can't wait for it to be reality so I can post it on here.
It's a pity I can't post pictures on here too as I could show everyone my 'alternative' wedding, then!
Oh well, I'll just take a deep breath and go for it and I'll blame this site if it goes wrong, lol.
I will definitely be saying no sex tomorrow if he tries it on because I'm not in the mood after writing up that trial and anyway, I don't think there will be time or opportunity unless he wants coffee at mine when he drops us off later.
He did offer to drive me back home which was nice of him.
Thanks for the compliments, esp. about me being attractive. I'm blushing at my computer, lol
That just did wonders for my ego!
Have you seen your W lately? I'll check out your thread in a minute.
Thanks for the reassurance. I'm still puzzling on the clothes problem.
Found a red dress in the ironing basket I'm sure he hasn't seen, that I've just ironed, or there's these combat pants but they're REALLY bright pink, you can see them a mile off.
Weird! Thought I posted you but the BB monster must have gobbled my post up.
I just wanted to note that red and pink are very positive colors - can't go wrong with either! Know that for a guy, it has less to do with what a woman is wearing than how she carries herself (think - with confidence, self-assuredness that you are attractive and sexy to him). He's really attending to you, asking to drive you back home. You get to try out 'your' new car! (it will be when you reunite).
The trial dredged up some rough stuff, huh? You are such a strong, resilient person to have survived such a tough process so well. Do you find writing about the trial therapeutic or no?
Jo, you'll know best about when to be intimate with H. Its great that you feel confident enough to be true to yourself in this regard.
I think I'll probably go for the pink as I've just thought, red is a sensual colour and that's not really the image I want.
I think I'll go for the hot pink combat pants and this T shirt that says 'I'm the Girl Your Parents Warned You About' and this lambs wool pink cardi that he bought me for Christmas 2000. It's just plain pink but on the sleeves there are these hand knitted flowers on it so it's quite pretty.
It cost him about �70 at the time, I think, because it's hand made. It's looking a bit worn now after 5 years of hand washing but I still love it and it was a present from him so that might earn me a few points!
No, writing about the trial isn't theraputic. It makes me want to pick a fight with him. Remembering the pain makes me wonder why I love him, but that isn't productive so I try to work off my negative energies before I see him.
What IS theraputic is writing about all the good things in the R and there is that in the book as I started it from age 16 when I fell in love. I needed to so the reader would get a sense of the level of loss.
I'm also looking forward to writing up when he came back into my life, as I haven't got to that bit yet! I'm about 10 months off it yet.
I found writing about my last pregnancy theraputic as I was crying my eyes out all day when I wrote that, so I figured I had repressed emotion that needed releasing.
I wanted to end the book with our next wedding, but I don't reckon he'll get around to it in time so I'm going to end it when he said 'happy anniversary' as I think that's a great line
I really must go to bed now, it's half past midnight. I was talking on msn to my FATHER IN LAW!!!!!!!
