Those financial shortfalls are sure stressful. I had many a moment like that from Oct to Feb. As my mail is still going to the house, W would open my bills and point out my late fees, etc... probably using the issue to justify her D from me, but not making the obvious connection that she had created this burst of financial probs with the S and D costs. I was paying for the mortgage while she lived rent free at the time, and it was only when the D mediator told her she would have to be fair and pay rent that this quieted on her end. I think she is finally living in reality financially, thus helping her to see my side more clearly.
I was very moved by your noting that you were most hurt by the R stuff: H leaving, losing the children, learning about the OW. That is so true w/ me as well. The money and stuff doesn't matter. I survived on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and bananas for weeks on end just fine. I don't even remember that as a hardship. It centers on the loss of love, doesnt't it.
I'm really happy about the improvements in your sitch, Jo. I do hope he realizes how much stronger you would be as a family if you were all together: 1 rent, 1 phone bill to pay, pooled grocery costs, etc.., yet way more access to a near-constant supply of love and support.
Have no worries about buying lingerie. Any warm-blooded (hetersexual) male would see that as a very reasonable and worthwhile purchase, regardless of situation or financing plan! H should be no different.
H should be no different. 