Well, I thought about should I ask to go to the party, but it's against DB'ing to be that forward. I want him to offer. Secondly, I've never met her so I'm self-conscious and really want to be introduced first before I go to her son's party, thirdly, Andy still does all 'his' appointments separately. He has his times for me and his times for other stuff.
DD's ballet on Monday will be the first of 'his' appointments that we attend together. So it's significant in that respect.
You're right though about the 'his' and 'ours' thing with the kids. He is still in the frame of mind that the older dd's are 'his' and therefore in this mindset, I'm not even sure if it would occur to him to invite me.
I am trying to gradually - very gradually - ease him into the idea that I am actually their mother and have as much right to go to their parties as he. I consider the ballet thing a victory IF both of us can pull it off. I'm going to give him longer over his issues with the children, but if he doesn't sort it in the next year or so, I will give up on him as the parenting issue is the most major one to me. Him not letting me be a mother is the main reason why I would walk away from this sitch.
I am hoping Monday goes okay.
Re my phone, I have work calls route through my home phone. I run a help line as part of my work and sometimes people are distressed when they call or wanting detailed information, so I can't really say call back later. That would be damaging to a distressed person.
I have an answer machine so those people can leave a message if I'm not available. I have to set certain boundaries as I can't be counselling when I have guests. Even just giving info is difficult when there's other people in the room.
I also don't answer if DD4 is watching a DVD on my computer, as that's right next to the phone, but all other times I am home, I answer.
RE: Phone Do you have called ID where the person who is calling you, their numbes shows up in the display. I have it $6 a month. People call and say "this is Betty, I need an ink for my printer." If I know what company they are calling from I can get the part number they want wirhout asking many questions. BTW Betty has a laser printer and needed a 98A toner cartridge. No ink in a toner cartridge. That is conmmon occurance for me.
I get your help line problems and agree with you.
RE going to H house. Ask Andy if he knows any good cab drivers and say you really had a good one when going to school. Tell him you need a ride to Boy friends house on X day and that you were short changed on time on birthday party day. (in a tone I wish I had a special ride) Also might add that DD$ wants to ride in daddys car/cab.
I will be alone till Monday. I am probably going to his house and then after the ballet he will bring dd4 and me back home.
I intend to work a lot on my book - if I concentrate I can maybe get 20 pages done this weekend. I'm also going to catch up on the ironing that I always do when he's got her (loads of it to do) and I'll go and do some banking before I catch the bus on Monday (very exciting - NOT ).
Next weekend will be better as it's my birthday then (28th) and H and the kids are coming over and the day after my birthday it's the May Day Fair which he might go to also, he was thinking about it, but I'm not sure yet.
Then the following weekend I am going the whole weekend to my friend's house for a girls weekend, drinking, talking and listening to music. She said she was going to cast a spell on my H, LOL (she's wiccan).
I'm gonna try it even though I don't really believe in that 100%, anything's worth a try with a H like mine
My phone doesn't have caller display. It only cost £13 so for that price it's not really going to, therefore I can't tell who is calling.
Can't afford more expensive phone at the moment because BT switched my bill to quarterly without telling me and then charged me for 3 months worth of phone and internet plus 3 months in ADVANCE so the bill ended up at £267. Of course I had my other bills too so I went over my overdraft limit trying to pay it and the bank fined me £140 which means I am stoney broke and had to take out a £300 cash loan just to manage.
I am going to put £40 of it in the bank to go towards the fine, pay off a catalogue bill and an outstanding gas bill and then use the rest to buy something I need to help with my disability. I could ask the social services but I hate them so I'm paying for it myself.
Of course, I will have to pay back the loan at a ridiculously high interest rate but I didn't have much choice. I have sorted out BT so it won't happen again, but I am furious.
Therefore, better phones are out for now! (by the way, the lingerie I am getting is on an account and I don't get it for 28 days yet and can take another 28 days to pay after that, hence being able to get them).
I darn well hope H is paying for my birthday
Oh, did I tell you I sold 20 books the other day by cold calling - how great is that!?
Jo, the money gremlins (£140 bank charges) are sure eating you up. Long ago I gradually put ($10 a week) in to the checking account that I never counted in the register until I had $200 that I never wrote checks on. EX I had $400 in the account but only recorded $200 for spending after about 6 months of recording $10 less than the actual deposit.
Quote: I darn well hope H is paying for my birthday
I hope so too Jo.
Quote: I sold 20 books the other day by cold calling
Good Jo. That cold-calling is work at times. That is how I started my business. Lots of "NO"s and doors closed or people pointing to the door to get rid of me.
Have a productive weekend Jo. Dont cry too much writing about some bad court stuff. I am sure your regular posters will all be thinking about you this weekend.
OG Lou. quitting for the day and it's only 6:15 PM
Don't worry, I won't cry. The things which hurt most were him leaving, losing my daughters and my baby and the arrival of OW. I'e already written up all of that.
If you think that by the time we got to trial, I was kind of numb to it. Some parts were even vaguely comical, so I won't be bothered by it.
I just want to finish it as I'm so excited about emailing the publisher, but still got quite a bit of ground to cover as I'm only at January 04 as we speak.
Oh, I can't wait to write up the romantic bits, and sleeping with him to break him and OW up, I'm going to enjoy writing that bit
Those financial shortfalls are sure stressful. I had many a moment like that from Oct to Feb. As my mail is still going to the house, W would open my bills and point out my late fees, etc... probably using the issue to justify her D from me, but not making the obvious connection that she had created this burst of financial probs with the S and D costs. I was paying for the mortgage while she lived rent free at the time, and it was only when the D mediator told her she would have to be fair and pay rent that this quieted on her end. I think she is finally living in reality financially, thus helping her to see my side more clearly.
I was very moved by your noting that you were most hurt by the R stuff: H leaving, losing the children, learning about the OW. That is so true w/ me as well. The money and stuff doesn't matter. I survived on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and bananas for weeks on end just fine. I don't even remember that as a hardship. It centers on the loss of love, doesnt't it.
I'm really happy about the improvements in your sitch, Jo. I do hope he realizes how much stronger you would be as a family if you were all together: 1 rent, 1 phone bill to pay, pooled grocery costs, etc.., yet way more access to a near-constant supply of love and support.
Have no worries about buying lingerie. Any warm-blooded (hetersexual) male would see that as a very reasonable and worthwhile purchase, regardless of situation or financing plan! H should be no different.
The court stuff was never about financial issues, it was all to do with custody issues but still, I don't mind writing about it because I'd already lost them by the time it went to court so that wasn't the most upsetting part. I viewed most of the court stuff as BS really
I don't pay him any maintenance either because I am in the unusual situation of being both custodial and non-custodial parent and he has more income than me, plus I told him at the time that if he tried to get maintenance I would ask for a reversal of custody.
He griped a few times back then about how I didn't pay anything for the kids but I just said that if he was that bothered about the cost of raising them, then I would gladly have them back and if they lived with me, I would pay for eerything without asking for a penny, that soon shut him up
Since I was FORCED to lose custody I don't really think I should take any financial responsibility. He wanted the responsibility of having them full time so until we are living together, he can take the financial responsibility he asked for.
I do still buy them birthday and Christmas presents and shoes when they need new ones. That is my contribution. I will give more when he lets me mother more.
He has long since accepted this fact and no longer mentions it. Likewise, I don't ask him for anything for materially for Alicia as he is providing for the others.
I am normally okay with my money but what with that unexpected massive bill, and all the bank fines and paying my CC's, I am just broke.
Don't really care too much, as you're right, it's love that matters most.
That's a delicate balance that you're managing to maintain in your sitch: letting H experience the reality of his choices and pulling him toward respecting your place as your daughters' mother. It is truly big of you to keep offering peace, etc.. after such a heated custody battle.
One of the reasons why I will not be showing up at our D court date is that W does not see how her parental rights could be threatened by a judge's whimsy. She is very over-confident in that regard, yet I have absolutely no desire, see no purpose in proving her wrong. I see any removal of S5 from her life as being truly damaging/hurtful to her. I love her and want both S5 and her back in my life fully, not one or the other.
You've come a long way in that regard (healing) and I hope H and you can heal even further as a couple on that issue over time.
I find humorous movies or cartoons to be a great escape too. 
).