She hung up on him and told him it was over. He called her 30 times while I was on the phone with OW because she called me.
FWIW, take note on how those two handle problems. Extreme reaction of saying "it's over!", hanging up on the person, the other begging, pleading, lying... that's not how relationship problems are handled maturely and beneficially... oh yeah, those two have what it takes to make a great relationship, and to make it last, lol.
now he hates me because supposedly I ruined their relationship by forcing him to be intimate with me. I never forced him
Of course you didn't. That's his excuse (read: his lie), to her. If she believes him, she's fooling herself. And him, passing the blame for his own actions. More makings for a great relationship... if they were in high school maybe.
It's a glimpse of what portends for them when other problems inevitably raise their ugly little heads in their life.
I dont want them together....It will probably happen but I wish it wasnt over with us. I am hurting so much.
Of course you're hurting. Don't dwell on what's happening now, focus forward. Don't get sucked into their drama!
Let me get this straight - OW called you and while you were on the phone with her, H called and wanted a D? First of all, he is saying it out of anger and desperation. Right now he doesnt want to end things with OW...If he did, he would of done it. He doesnt like the fact that she ended it with him. So now he is lashing out at you, as if it is your fault. let H be mad.,,,He has no right to be mad at you, did you do anything wrong? No. You were intimate with your HUSBAND, he is having an A. What else did the OW have to say?
My H often out of anger threatens a D, but nothing has come to fruition...So let H cool off for a minute before you get worried about that aspect. Has H contacted you again since his phone request for a D?
NY is right...their R is doomed, look at how they handle any type of conflict. None of us wants our Spouses to be with these OP. I think that if my H and I truly did break up and he was with anyone else I would be ok with that...But not the OW he is with now. That is a reaction of our love for them. We dont want them with anyone but us! Take a breather, relax. See what the next few days bring.
I'm confused as well. If I'm reading right, he called you and conferenced you in with the OW? If that's correct and he blindsided you, I don't get it. Regarding their relationship, I'm guessing that if she's that quick and impulsive in dumping him, they'll probably be back together by this afternoon.
I agree, let him be angry and don't show anger back (I should practice what I preach). You're doing well. I'm actually typing this while on a conferece call (shame on me).
Please keep it together, I know you can do it. I'll check in on you later...
I am so sorry that I confused some of you.....let me type without all of my frusteration.
I spoke to OW yesterday. She said that H tells her that he doesnt love me that he doesnt want to be together. I said that might be what he is saying but that he doesnt act that way with me. So she called him and they put me on a three way call. This is when the entire thing went down with H and the D....the argument with OW.
I can see that he is in love with her but it hurts. Why did he say all of those hurtful things in front of her. She called me back and told me that she is through with him. She hope that I will be strong too! H called her and text messaged he all night. H blames me for their breakup because I guess I am a rapist(NOT). H came ove last night to see D1....I was strong and straight to the point. H called this morning at 2am because he couldnt sleep and he wanted to talk...of course I was awake. H said that he is sorry for hurting me. H said that he tried to stop several times with OW. He knows that we would have worked out if she wasnt in the picture. Spoke to both of them this morning. H is sad because of his loss. OW says she is strong but then calls him crying about how he ruined her life....boo hoo hoo! I now know that she wants to make sure I am not in the pic so that they can be together. H said that he doesnt want her anymore(yEAH rIGHT)They cant trust eachother because their relationship started with deception. My mom has told my entire family and they hate him and keep talking sh@t. It hurt when H said that if she wanst in his life he knows that our M would have been okay. I am hurting so bad and I am literally sick because of this. I think that I shouldnt take any calls from OW anymore and just try to live each day. Hope for happiness and try to live for the future.
Thank you all...I really needed these replies.....It makes me feels like I have support
First,I think you should STOP talking to OW. While it does keep you in the loop as to what is happening hour by hour, its not good to have all that info to now dwell or imagine "what if" upon. So did she really break up with him or not? If she ia sincere, she had her chance to cry and cuss him out and tell him he ruined her life, and now she should be done, right??? And he can e-mail, text or call her all he wants if she is really done, she is DONE. She should ignore him . Now, do you still want this marriage? Has H made up his mind as to what he wants? Is it possible for you two to go to MC? He says he loves her, but then says thta it could be worked out if she hadn't been in the picture. He says he tried to quit several times, what is this woman- addictive to him? If he is the least bit sincere about his wanting to work this out, you have a chance if she no longer takes any communication from him. That has to be #1. And how about you, have you forgiven him ,are you going to be able to rebuild trust? Hoe do you REALLY feel about it. Does the thought of this being over make you sick to your stomach and depressed or does it almost make you breathe a sigh of relief??Or are you between both (happend to me -alot!!) you have all the support you need here, don't be afraid to drink from the well often, some or all of us have been through parts of your sitch at one time or another. You are not alone. If you are reading DB or DR, you know that you need to do some stuff for you now. It does work, i resisted for a long time, but it does help with your PMA, and showing H that you are the strong sexy capable woman he married, and you will be fine with or without him.
So did she really break up with him or not? If she ia sincere, she had her chance to cry and cuss him out and tell him he ruined her life, and now she should be done, right???
Oh, sorry, sorry, but wrong. How many affairs end with one fight? They kiss and make up.
Now, do you still want this marriage? Has H made up his mind as to what he wants?
The thing about the LBS going about saving the relationship is that it invariably occurs when only one partner, the LBS, looks to save the relationship. So, H's making a decision as to what he wants is not a prerequisite to what LBS wants.
He says he tried to quit several times, what is this woman- addictive to him?
I guess that I am suppose to be my H friend during this time. How do I do this without telling him to leave that OW. I am sure that he is still going to persue her because i know that things dont end overnight. Am I suppose to listen to his emotional hurt or what. I want to ask him if it realy isnt going to work out with the OW but I already have and he said no. I want this all to be my way...lol! I wanted to look at our future together not a whore that has a possibility of raising our D1. Ouch!
I guess that I am suppose to be my H friend during this time. How do I do this without telling him to leave that OW.
If you tell him to leave that woman, you really think he will? Gee, I wish it were that easy.
Acting as if you're his friend doesn't mean you agree with what he's doing. Rather, you are accepting that he makes his own decisions, right or wrong.
If you were in reconciliation, than there would be a need to stop contact with the OW, but you're not there yet.
Am I suppose to listen to his emotional hurt or what.
If you can do that with a tin ear, and he feels he needs to confide in you, you can use that to strengthen his emotional bond with you. YOU become the understanding, warm, validating woman. What a strange world huh?
I want to ask him if it realy isnt going to work out with the OW but I already have and he said no.
Time will tell, not words.
I want this all to be my way...lol! I wanted to look at our future together not a whore that has a possibility of raising our D1. Ouch!
"Ouch" is right... you're hurting yourself with those thoughts, no one else.
Here's pretty much the same question I posted somewhere else today, but, if he had divorced you first, and then after some time, dated and met someone, would you be calling her a "whore"?
NY NY NY, in reading your reply I saw that I was DEAD WRONG. Of COURSE ,the A doesn't end with one fight!!! Not even 3 or four or intese pressure, or screaming psycho husbands. Example- My H spent New Years Eve with OW, I think all is solid with them , they are offically 'out there' to the public now. Two weeks later I get told from SIL that my H was very distraught, told his Mom that this was not working out as he had thought, and didn't see OW as someone that he could make a committment to long term. I was elated!!! There may stil be a chance,for me- right??? Then , next thing i know he is bringing her down for Easter to meet his Mom (MIL was not impressed, but then again, she doesn't have to be, its H's choice not hers)and beforehand she was talked up as being this real smart, good with numbers whiz, blah blah blah.MIL thought she was nice but kinda plain, and alot of really stupid stuff came out of her mouth ( I chalked that one up to meeting- the- mom nervousness) I heard a week or two after that that he complained that the kids are unruly, they walk all over OW , whatever. Next thing I hear he is building this huge house, way larger than a single guy needs. But perfectly laid out for a family of 4. I see him on the 12th , say call me if you want to, or maybe you are not allowed anymore(kiddingly) and he chanages subject reallll fast. Now I find out they have a accident, she is hurt, may have an illness they didn't know about,may need operation, she credits him with saving her life(my hero), major guilt on his part (I am sure) over accident, now he has to rescue again.Plus her D is coming up which he would of course be ther for her. There is never any shortage of drama for these two and I am thinking thats what H is craving these days (yuk- give me laughter and fun and adventure that doesn't involve yelling and crying and pressure). But any way ya slice the pepperoni here, this is NOT over. In fact -though this latest turn of events was NOT planned, I am sure she will manage to parlay it into a marriage proposal. Last year every time she felt my H slipping away, she'd pull some stunt to get him to come "protect" her. I am seeing now that she probably instigated the fights with her H so she could call mine!But he WANTS to do this for her, and I think thats what hurts me. Willing to do anything for her, unwilling to try to fix us. And you are also right that if the R is to be fixed the LBS has to do most of the 'work' at least in the beginning. I just get frustrated sometimes. And i so wish I had found all of you early on in my sitch. I feel certain I would have been able to help us back to a better R.
