I like that bit about Heaven residing on the inside - very profound.
Wow - your W sounds stressed! Global warming!?! You know what it is, don't you? She's suddenly realised she's divorced and has no H and all of a sudden, she is on her own in the big world with terrorist threat and corrupt politics and nuclear war and you're not there to protect her from it all so she feels overwhelmed as if the world is out to get her
This is actually a really good convo - it proves she needs you
KEM has some great music - nice blend b/t R&B and jazz. Maybe appreciated a bit more by guys in general, but great music for getting 'in the mood' or just be mellow. Has a nice backbone of spiritual searching as well.
I like your thinking regarding W, and I know that she must be a bit scared. I know I get that way at times without her. In the past, its been mere angry bravado on her part, so maybe she's becoming more 'real' or seeing things more clearly?
She complained about housing prices as well, and she noted how interest rates here are climbing steadily higher. I feel for her, yet I know that she has to admit that her parents are terrible financial advisers (they work very hard, but are always broke), while the man who was supposedly the cause of her financial 'troubles' (there weren't any real 'troubles'- we were 2 blue collar folks putting ourselves thru grad school) is 2-3 months from paying off the huge collar of debt she gave him as a going away present.
I'm growing with this DB stuff, cause I feel no temptation to say "I told you so." She needs to see the qualities in me for herself, and to be okay with making her own mistakes. Regardless, I'm back in 'my' house come August, with her either affording her condo or renting. She does need to be on her own to learn, and that won't happen with me sheltering her in my house and acting as her landlord. It feels like her cake-eating without the growth, and w/ me living in my shoebox not being able to provide S5 enough space.
More so than boring finances, W seemed intrigued about my other behavior that shows relaxation or just non-work exploration, be it camping, guitar, or going to the beach.
Jo, I dream-journaled. Lots to comtemplate from last night. Definitely some sexual tension in my that I didn't notice before. Sadly, also a very notable tone of pursuing and fear of rejection of me by her, as well as concern for S5. You've got me hooked on this!
I am glad I have given you inspiration to do the dream journaling!
If you need any help interpreting them, email me privately and I'll see what I can do. I've been interpreting them since I was 13 so I've had plenty of practise.
Hey Gabriel. Glad you're doing so well. Yeah, the personal growth part of DBing is so great. What should have been one of the worst of years, actually made me a much better person. The letting go and GAL advice was very helpful.
I was very tired from work last week when I sent that last post. I totally agree. I didn't mean to mention dating OW. I've been separated for about 16 months now and have been told to do so. I wouldn't cause I'm still married. But even if I do get divorce, I just want some Father and son time. Go see friends, etc. I truly do hope the best for you and your wife.
SG sent me a invite for the KLA 2005. I'm going to look into it too.
No worries, Steve, about the early post. I just don't have a single vibe in me wanting another woman right now.
With S5 sick, I had to juggle some things to help watch him today. Lots of fluids and cartoons this afternoon/eve.
At dropoff, W was a bit stand-offish. Snapped at me for not paying her babysitter (she's responsible for childcare/babysitting costs in the D agreement). She never asked me outright to pay for her, so I let it roll off my back. A few positives were W showing concern for my father's health, and for using "we" when I vented a bit (bad DBing here) about a salary-related problem. She even said, "How can they be scr@wing us like that?" Maybe she's just seeing my money as hers.
I saw more hardness in W tonight, like MIL had helped her to stoke her anger and add a few additional locks. Yet W did have some pointed questions about my career developments as if she was trying to defend me to her parents or at least answer their probes. I have taken a stance against providing info unnecessarily to those busy-bodies.
Don't let W's snapping cause you to snap back. Letting it roll off your back was a great thing! She has to be responsible for her own problems and actions. She can no longer let it all fall back on you.
You did good on not providing all your info to the busy-bodies. I have the same problem. MIL is always wanting to know what I am up to but yet never directly asks ME about it.
Just popping in to say hello. I saw that your divorce went through, and I wanted to say that I am sorry. Don't let it get you down though. Anything is possible if you put it in God's hands. I know you have a lot of faith so just remember that God wants your marriage to heal and for you to be happy also.
Thanks for the post and kind words. I appreciate it. Take care.
Lost, we have very similar MIL problems. I have been trying to take your lead, and not allow MIL to get under my skin. She hasn't talked to me in 6 months, yet I know she is lurking, trying to cement this D pattern and move W on to other things. I'm going to let that go, and be supportive to W's attempts to be independent and responsible for her D choices.
A rough point coming up is W being held to the custody arrangements that she requested. Currently, she's moving toward asking me to watch S5 over the summer in a 50-50 arrangement. I love S5 immensely, yet have incredible work obligations I committed to so as to pay off the debt I accepted as part of our D settlement. Further, I need the time to win my tenure here at school, and finally, the biggest 'sin' I committed against W according to her last Fall was not providing well enough for her to stay with him more.
Now is her chance to do so, and she seems to be wanting to fill that time with more career stuff. I think I will let her sit with this reality of her D agreement, and use the time to better set the table for S5 and I in case she decides to give him to me completely or for the majority of time. My biggest hope would be that she sees more quickly that D sucks and that our M was a far better option.
Sam, thank you! As you can tell, I haven't given up. I'm disappointed the D went thru, and yet I know that W has some definite individuation work - becoming her own person and gaining a true identity - to accomplish. On my part, surviving these next 6 wks of intense teaching, then enjoying a trip to see my folks with S5, all the while trying to keep my changes in place.
Gabriel- Yes our MIL problems are almost identical. I had not talked to mine for 8 months when I caved and went down there. But it did me no good so OH WELL
Like I said before though, just always be positive about MIL when talking to W. Even if W is complaining about her, just listen. That is how it works for me with H. Then they are more apt to talk about the problems there.
As far as the custody arrangements, whatever is stated in the D....stick with it and make W stick with it as well. Don't be a doormat for her. I know you love S5 to death but you also have a life of your own now too.
W will probably want you having S5 more than her which will keep you from GAL of your own and therefore she will know exactly what you are doing.
