As you said once before on my thread when you were realtively new, I think you and I were separated at birth. Our sitches, our transgressions, our W's behavior, our K's... It is so similar that it is eerie sometimes. Your letter to W has so many of my sentiments expressed in it. My W has always been insecure about herself that I think her self-hatred, too, caused her to be just as abusive to me as she said I was to her. My W admitted her jealousy of me to me one time b/c she was jealous that I had so many interests and was so good at so many things, i.e. I had a life besides her, and there was nothing she was particularly good at or interested in, i.e. no hobbies of her own. It was then that I made a greater attempt to play golf with her since that was something that she felt interested in. By my own admission, my temper would interfere at times, but I thought we had more enjoyable times than bad. I tried.
I don't have a lot to add to everybody else's good advice except that your W seems to be expressing more anger towards you than maybe previously, though intermittently.
I agree with your hopes that your W is able to grow through her choices, as I do mine. I just fear that my W will grow away instead of back to me. And I know that I have no control of that.
Congratulations (that's a longer word than I remember) on your upcoming tenure. Are you sitting for Associate or full Professor? We lost a great Asst. Prof. to tenure hearings b/c he didn't accomplish the amount of research the board thought appropriate. However, he was an outstanding teacher. Today's Land-Grant University is too focused on bringing research through it's hallowed halls and has lost the importance of the teaching side of things. It's the almighty dollar and public institutions aren't exempt.
You'll have to keep me abreast of your travel itinerary to Wyoming. I'm 20 minutes from Cheyenne in Northern Colorado and if you passed through the area, I'd love to be able to meet you. It's funny, my S5 (this month) keeps asking if we can go camping. I know W would never take him, but I'll be damned if Daddy will rob him of the experience. Yellowstone is a must do for me and the K's in the future.
Hang in there, buddy. Did I catch a twinge of anger or bitterness in your letter of forgiveness to your W? I may be off base, but I think in the long run the letter is something you properly kept to yourself. However, I commend you on releasing that anger as it will bring you even more peace in the future. Living a life through forgiveness, being "Christ-like", has done wonders for leveling my angry tendencies.
Jo, I appreciate your positive view of W's move toward a healthier sense of self that includes sexuality. I actually introduced her to her "bunny" vibe, as an attempt to prove to her that she could orgasm. And she did! Unfortunately, I'm now replaced by a damn rabbit! I do remain a bit worried about an OM, yet I've gotta drop the rope, including there too.
Kim, Koshka, and M, thank you for your WOA regarding my efforts to change and communicate about my feelings. I do need to get better at that with women in convos. Kim, sounds like you are working hard at self-care, and I know that will pay off for you in the end. Consistency is key, eh? I'm really happy that I've been able to keep things going for 6 solid months - hope to do so for the rest of my life. Koshka, I've enjoyed your view of fatherhood all along, and I value your compliments highly.
Hope, thanks for your positive view on W's explorations - noting that if we ever get back together, that she'll be more appreciative of what I have to offer her.
Bulldogr, I'll be going up for Associate (from Assistant). Not for a little over 1 year, but I'm already eyeing it. I'm confident - I will win it. I'll do what it takes to secure it. I appreciate the invitation. I'll let you know if we get near Cheyenne. You are very perceptive - regarding the letter. Yep, I definitely was resenting some anger and bitterness. I was struggling with thoughts about the unfairness of her behavior and her abandonment of our M, but I've forgiven her,realizing that I had my share in our M problems. I won't be showing her the letter - it was my way of purging some negative stuff. I will communicate s/t brief in the form of forgiveness if she ever expresses guilt, etc... as that would be needed there, I think.
Went to work out with two colleagues, then out to dinner at a sushi bar with one of them. I assertively carved out time to run 3 miles by myself, knowing I needed it and that I'd resent not going if I didn't. The old me wouldn't have done that. The dinner partner was the WAH I've mentioned in the past. Always helps me to see W's perspective a bit better listening to him. His LBS is doing many wrong things, first pleading/begging, then retaliating legally in the D proceedings. W and I currently are at a much healthier, peaceful state. Yet he'd say things like "a person never changes" and "you meet someone else soon who will treat you right." Also the complete blame of the other person for the M problems, only owing to "my mistake in marrying her." Made me realize that W may have quite a ways to travel. The WAH did note, "You have really changed and taken advantage of this. I predict that in the future, she'll see things differently, and the two of you ....[here his voice trailed off and he got flustered] may become great friends!" He seemed pleased with this resolution, and I merely smiled and nodded, knowing that he couldn't fathom the idea of a reconciliation in his WAS worldview. Lots of illogical steps in that world, as he had no problem with living nearly completely off credit cards, buying a new car while in this broke state, and eating out at restaurants for dinner every night. And he is in "serious" therapy that is supposedly helping him to move forward as aperson. I saw a lot of superficial distracting, and imagined little goal-setting or hard, honest discipline to his living.
I'm not into sushi usually, but went along on a whim to try something different, and ordered and ate raw squid, in honor of S5, who is fascinated by them right now. Yumm! Actually not great, but not bad either. W called me while we were there, so it was great mystery. She couldn't help herself and asked "with who?" so I admitted WAH. S5 was beside himself when I mentioned that I ate squid asking me about 10 questions, like "Did you eat the beak?"
Later that eve, I called W, who asked me to do so if I could to talk about S5 and his school. When I called, she was asleep and sounded very sexy on the phone. I apologized and told her I'd talk to her in the morning but she said she wanted to talk. We chatted for a bit about him, then she mentioned my sushi adventure. Seemed to be shocked that I'd eat anything raw and from the ocean (W is from the midwest and likes 2-4 legs on her roast beast). I had fallen into a rut in our M regarding adventure, so it was nice for her to see a bit of that recaptured in me.
Tonight, as dropoff neared, I called W's cell to see if she were home (to avoid us waiting outside - I don't have a house key, despite being landlord). W told me she was out at dinner, so we read more books. So S5 and I read more bedtime stories. W and her GF who is supportive of M were at the house. I found it reassuring for her GF to purposefully stick around for the dropoff, as if for me to see that W is not dating an OM. Trying not to read too much into this.
Today, I thought about my convo with the WAH and most WAS quick efforts to easily escape the hard work of change. Fellow DBers, you have taken the road less travelled by. Harder, rockier, and steeper, yes. But that will make all the difference. I truly appreciate your companionship on this journey. Let's travel it well, shall we?
The beak comment made me laugh. Sometimes kids become fascinated with the oddest things.
As always your post has something in it which reminds me of how lucky I am to be around my boys. Thank you so much!
I too still believe that we are taking the higher road. Not that we are keeping score, but we know that we are considering the past and making changes within ourselves to make us better people. Below is an excerpt from an email my brother sent me I dont share many letter or emails but thought this was fitting...
It sucks to see someone happy w/out you, but rebound relationships are temporary. He's the fluff, you are a man of substance, character. You are changing for the betterment of yourself and those around you.
Those boys know who their daddy is, they know where home is, and who has taken care of them. You've bentover backwards to be nice and helpful, always there. You should be commended for it, not many dads would do that.
I agree with your brother. Those rebound Rs rarely last, and you are placing greater and greater distance b/t yourself and OM via your self-improvements.
There is something so empowering about looking at my S5 and seeing my influence on him. Your children are very blessed to have such a dedicated man as their father. Your blessings will come back tenfold - wait and see.
S5 stayed over last night. I had him since noon due to an MD appointment. W and I were scared about an ugly mole that was increasing in size fast and changing color on his ankle. Turned out to be a viral thing that kids in Florida get - don't you love the subtropics!:p W called a couple of times, and asked us to swing by the house at night to pick up his TBall uniform. She was going out to a cookout for her lab's end of year party, and was dressed conservatively. When W noted "I'd really rather go to bed early; I'm so sleepy!" I said, "You've been thru a rough semester! Hope you have a good time anyway."
When W added "Just a warning, FIL will be at S5's TBall game on Sat" I responded, "That's fine." I prayed and meditated for peace, as in the past 4 of 5 interactions, FIL and MIL had threatened my life and my job, stole items from me from our house. Maybe W is hoping that I can have an improved R with them? And if so, for what reason?
Today, S5 and I enjoyed cartoons, then off to the beach. It was fun to run and play in the water with him. W and her family are afraid of the ocean, so when S5 and I talk about me teaching him how to surf or whether he'll become a beach lifeguard (he'd be good), it is a topic that's unique to us. When I noticed several women in their 20's-40's being overly friendly and chatty with me (haven't had women in bikinis approach me in 10+ yrs), I thought "Wow, I mustn't look too bad!" Beyond physical, I think DBing put a little bounce in my step, and a relaxed confidence in me that is probably way more attractive than my prior tense, frustrated self.
At the TBall game, FIL walked up and came to me in the bleachers. When I reached out my hand in greeting, he gladly shook it and sat down next to me. Just occasional small talk; I didn't try to press anything, and stayed relaxed. He seemed like an old man who was just enjoying seeing young kids be kids. W will have S5 for Mother's Day. He (and I) bought her a water carrier/backpack for her Hawaii hiking, and a athletic supply store gift certificate for her to pick up some small things. He proudly taped on a Mother's Day card he made for her at school. S5 is such a wonderful child.
Plans for this weekend include running and a movie tonight, and church, work and a long run tomorrow.
Ah Gabriel. I feel bad that I haven't checked in lately. I just admire you so much in the way you are as a person, dad, on this board, relationship with God, etc.
Really sorry for the D. But knowing that you have given all that you have. There is nothing more you could have done and you can sleep very well at night!
There's no excuse, but I've been trying to help a couple people who really needed it. So I haven't checked in on some of my regulars as I should have. I'll be checking in soon.
I really hope your W comes around and realizes what she has in you. If it doesn't work out, it sounds like you'll have no problem meeting women who would want a man like you. A husky or another cute puppy, your son 5 and you may get your pick of Florida.
Gabriel- Sounds like you are moving along nicely Stay with it. I am not much for giving advice right now since I am still a bit of a mess but wanted you to know that I am still praying for you and W.
Hang in there! You have a lot of positives to work with.
One of the things that struck me about your most recent post is that it sounds to me as though you are becoming your own best friend. Very good, Gabe! You are doing excellent, especially in the face of a very tough sitch.
Steve, maybe it seems like I'm a glutton for punishment, but my sitch isn't really like that. I have seen some nice improvements, definitely in me that are reflected in our R, but in W as well, especially her filtering a bit and working harder in the moment to communicate with me. She's even been able to compliment me once in a while. Its odd how the D actually released some pressure. No, I'm not even thinking about an OW right now. It is nice to get some attention from the opposite sex, tho.
Martha, yeah I feel that "I'm my best friend" attitude. Its nice to be less dependent on another person for my happiness.I definately feel stronger that way.
Lost, I have appreciated your sage advice since you first popped into an early thread. I hope you keep checking in, even after H moves back home and you two renew your vows!
Journaling Went to see Kingdom of Heaven to escape for a bit this afternoon. W called twice during the film (cell phone was on silent mode), and my immediate thought was that MIL/FIL must have left town. Since the S, W never makes an attempt to contact me in front of MIL, as this would cross the old battle-axe's wishes. Yet it was nice to know that she was calling me within a few hrs of their leaving.
W was very friendly in her messages and on the phone when I called her back, telling me that S5 is sick and asking me to game-plan coverage with her. I offered to watch S5 while she teaches, noting that I needed to cancel an important meeting to do so. W had the sensitivity to find a babysitter to allow me to go to the meeting, yet still be able to watch him for her later in the day. Nice communicating and compromising!
More chit-chat w/ some good, some less so, as W complained about housing prices, noting that she wanted to buy a house some day following her stay in a condo. She went on to complain about her salary, global warming, national politics, her teaching responsibilities, university adminitration, so I can't take it too personally I guess. I validated her feelings, but also noted, "I'm just working as hard as I can, setting up goals so that I can afford a nice home and set some aside so that S5 will have a good start to his young life as well."
I'm in a rather mellow mood tonight. Thought I'd share a few lyrics to a great song I though follow DBing philosophy:
Matter of Time by KEM
He'd spent his whole life chasing Heaven And never seemed to find it. Cause Heaven resides right here... On the inside.
And people can go from bad to good In the blink of an eye. They can go from bad to good In the blink of an eye. So can I.
It's a matter of time.
A nice, hopeful view of our reality. Here's to our hopeful, disciplined, effortful march toward change.
Sleep well, all. Jo, I'll be keeping that journal handy in case I do dream.
I was glad to hear that you treated yourself to going to the movies today. Although it seems that your W called to let you know about your son being sick, it sure does seem like she calls you rather often? Perhaps she is having a hard time letting go? Especially since it seems that your conversations tend to go past the topic of your son... it is quite obvious that she still wants you to know about her life with work, etc. and probably misses you and your friendship a great deal. I spent the day today with my mom and sister for "Mother's Day" and had a picnic lunch at the park and enjoyed each others company very much. I will admit that I have thought of my H alot today as in the past we would always spend Mother's Day with both his mother and mine. I did send his mom a card, but it is just not the same as seeing her in person. I can not believe how fast this weekend flew by... I commend you for staying so strong and positive with your interactions with your W. Someday soon I see her waking up and looking at herself in the mirror and saying: "What have I done? I pushed away the most loving, caring, considerate, thoughtful man ever"... She may be already thinking that now, but is too stubborn to admit to it quite yet! Just wanted to stop by and say "hi" and let you know that you have been in my thoughts. Hope you have a great week. I look forward to talking with you again real soon, Gabriel... -Kim
I do remain a bit worried about an OM, yet I've gotta drop the rope, including there too. 
Stay with it. I am not much for giving advice right now since I am still a bit of a mess but wanted you to know that I am still praying for you and W.
She went on to complain about her salary, global warming, national politics, her teaching responsibilities, university adminitration, so I can't take it too personally I guess. I validated her feelings, but also noted, "I'm just working as hard as I can, setting up goals so that I can afford a nice home and set some aside so that S5 will have a good start to his young life as well."