Had a nice afternoon and eve with S5. At dropoff, S5 asked to show me his hideout, and we ended up sitting on the couches and talking for awhile. General smalltalk.
At one point, S5 walked to W's bedroom door and threw it open. I followed him with my eyes, and W jumped up in a hurried manner and asked him to come out of her room. I saw that W had a vibrator laying on the floor near her bed and then looked away. W came back to talk more, and blushed notably, with her face getting moist a bit. In our M, W consistently had very low sexual desire (LD) while I was high (HD). This caused definite friction in our R. I am amazed that I have been celibate for 6 mo, and have had rather LD. I'm sure if W invited me, I'd be ready in a split-second, yet I'm surprised in this change in me, especially with all of my physical exercise and improved fitness. I feel more sexually confident, yet without the action. W had been raped and shamed earlier in her youth about her sexuality, so maybe this is her way of continuing her development there. On the one hand, I got a bit fearful about her budding sexuality (maybe) that is happening outside of our R. On the other hand, I was glad that it was not an OM or OW lying in her bed. At a third leve, she was very attractive to me then, and I truly wanted to ravish her. Perhaps another day. I'm finding myself hungry for not mere intercourse, but all the other forms of intimacy, and not with anyone but W.
Another possible growth area is that of cleaning. W had her and I cleaning for 2-3 hrs on Saturdays every week to meet her level of expectations. The house was always in order, yet I was told in many ways that I was a slob, or messy, lazy (regarding cleaning). Reality was that we were wasting our free time cleaning. I noticed that W has ordered periodic (1-2x/mo) maid service to help her keep the house clean. I'm not sure how long she can afford this, yet it is good to see her lightening up on this issue.
W called me after I left the house in concern about s/t that happened to S5 at school. We agreed that it would be good for me to return to the house to talk with him in person. S5 seemed glad to be reassured by me. And W seemed to appreciate me handling the convo with him at a level he could understand, and for taking things up today with his teacher and school principal. It felt good to be teaming up with her on this. Yet I did have a sinking feeling that S5 and W are more vulnerable to the ugliness of the world without me there at home to prevent stuff by my mere presence. I feel somewhat helpless about that and hope that W will continue to reach out when the need arises. Instead of using beer or wine to deal with my stress about S5's school sitch, I ran a hard and fast 3 miles at 11pm last night. At points, I cried while running, and had an angry discussion w/God about my wanting him to protect S5 from the crap of the world while He allows W and I to separately be humbled/shaped/redirected to Him. I recalled the Book of Job, and told Him that I will not be living life happy and contented in the end like Job if He allows my son to be harmed or taken from me. I've already lost my W. I do not see the wisdom in S5 being hurt. I do pray that He restores my family in His time.
Boundary setting. When W asked me to swap weekends with her regarding S5 so that she could go to her parents for Mother's Day, I told W that I had plans with S5 on Sat, but that I would end the weekend short so that she could spend Sunday with him (Mother's Day). Anger crossed her face, then she offered to give me Fri eve (a bit self-focused, as she wanted to go out Fri eve) as an even swap in time. I'm struggling a bit seeing her develop this night life of her own, but I've got to let her go.
If she comes back, will this stuff help her to be a healthier, more well-rounded person, or is this all mere superficial distraction?
W came back to talk more, and blushed notably, with her face getting moist a bit. In our M, W consistently had very low sexual desire (LD) while I was high (HD). This caused definite friction in our R. I am amazed that I have been celibate for 6 mo, and have had rather LD. I'm sure if W invited me, I'd be ready in a split-second, yet I'm surprised in this change in me, especially with all of my physical exercise and improved fitness. I feel more sexually confident, yet without the action. W had been raped and shamed earlier in her youth about her sexuality, so maybe this is her way of continuing her development there. On the one hand, I got a bit fearful about her budding sexuality (maybe) that is happening outside of our R. On the other hand, I was glad that it was not an OM or OW lying in her bed. At a third leve, she was very attractive to me then, and I truly wanted to ravish her. Perhaps another day. I'm finding myself hungry for not mere intercourse, but all the other forms of intimacy, and not with anyone but W. 