Quote: W will have plenty of space and time. Hopefully, she will grow. At least for the sake of S5. Perseverance is a major ingredient for DBing. I have plenty. My work on the R will continue...stay tuned!
Gabe,
I have saved your letter of forgiveness for the day that my turn comes. I admire your focus on what is good for S5, and for your ability to persevere. Stay strong. Stay well.
Gabe I havent checked in much, but catching up on your sitch. sorry about the D and I know you are hurting. Im not too far behind you. I wrote a similar letter to my H a few months ago, I posted it here but never sent it.
Its terrible to be forced into a D you dont want. But as you said, you feel free. Spread your wings and fly!!
Had a nice afternoon and eve with S5. At dropoff, S5 asked to show me his hideout, and we ended up sitting on the couches and talking for awhile. General smalltalk.
At one point, S5 walked to W's bedroom door and threw it open. I followed him with my eyes, and W jumped up in a hurried manner and asked him to come out of her room. I saw that W had a vibrator laying on the floor near her bed and then looked away. W came back to talk more, and blushed notably, with her face getting moist a bit. In our M, W consistently had very low sexual desire (LD) while I was high (HD). This caused definite friction in our R. I am amazed that I have been celibate for 6 mo, and have had rather LD. I'm sure if W invited me, I'd be ready in a split-second, yet I'm surprised in this change in me, especially with all of my physical exercise and improved fitness. I feel more sexually confident, yet without the action. W had been raped and shamed earlier in her youth about her sexuality, so maybe this is her way of continuing her development there. On the one hand, I got a bit fearful about her budding sexuality (maybe) that is happening outside of our R. On the other hand, I was glad that it was not an OM or OW lying in her bed. At a third leve, she was very attractive to me then, and I truly wanted to ravish her. Perhaps another day. I'm finding myself hungry for not mere intercourse, but all the other forms of intimacy, and not with anyone but W.
Another possible growth area is that of cleaning. W had her and I cleaning for 2-3 hrs on Saturdays every week to meet her level of expectations. The house was always in order, yet I was told in many ways that I was a slob, or messy, lazy (regarding cleaning). Reality was that we were wasting our free time cleaning. I noticed that W has ordered periodic (1-2x/mo) maid service to help her keep the house clean. I'm not sure how long she can afford this, yet it is good to see her lightening up on this issue.
W called me after I left the house in concern about s/t that happened to S5 at school. We agreed that it would be good for me to return to the house to talk with him in person. S5 seemed glad to be reassured by me. And W seemed to appreciate me handling the convo with him at a level he could understand, and for taking things up today with his teacher and school principal. It felt good to be teaming up with her on this. Yet I did have a sinking feeling that S5 and W are more vulnerable to the ugliness of the world without me there at home to prevent stuff by my mere presence. I feel somewhat helpless about that and hope that W will continue to reach out when the need arises. Instead of using beer or wine to deal with my stress about S5's school sitch, I ran a hard and fast 3 miles at 11pm last night. At points, I cried while running, and had an angry discussion w/God about my wanting him to protect S5 from the crap of the world while He allows W and I to separately be humbled/shaped/redirected to Him. I recalled the Book of Job, and told Him that I will not be living life happy and contented in the end like Job if He allows my son to be harmed or taken from me. I've already lost my W. I do not see the wisdom in S5 being hurt. I do pray that He restores my family in His time.
Boundary setting. When W asked me to swap weekends with her regarding S5 so that she could go to her parents for Mother's Day, I told W that I had plans with S5 on Sat, but that I would end the weekend short so that she could spend Sunday with him (Mother's Day). Anger crossed her face, then she offered to give me Fri eve (a bit self-focused, as she wanted to go out Fri eve) as an even swap in time. I'm struggling a bit seeing her develop this night life of her own, but I've got to let her go.
If she comes back, will this stuff help her to be a healthier, more well-rounded person, or is this all mere superficial distraction?
I think LD is usually symptomatic of other things and there really is no such thing as LD or HD unless for medical reasons. People's drives change as their circumstances do.
Don't be afraid of your W's sexuality, if she's using toys and stuff she might enhance things for you once you get back together. A lot of people use sex toys even within a marriage to spice up their love life. Can't say they ever did anything for me but maybe I didn't buy the right ones
I think if this was a problem area, you might eventually have to look at why.
I think you're doing really great, coping with the D, esp. to meet up on the same day, and still managing to co-parent your son. I am envious in some ways. I wish my H wanted my input with my girls.
It's good to say no to her requests sometimes though, so she doesn't walk on you.
Going out of an evening is up to her now. Unfortunately it's her life now. If it's any help, I got to the point where I didn't wonder what H was doing anymore. Still loved him the same but I was not bugged by his 'other' life. The more you get your own, the less it matters.
Your letter moved me to tears. What a gift you have given yourself: the ability to forgive the woman that hurt you the most. You are a special man, Gabriel. I know the last thing you want to think about right now is another relationship, but there is a woman out there that will appreciate all the things your wife took for granted. Plus, you have the love and respect of the two people that count the most: you and your precious son. You indeed have the world at your feet as long as you have God and your son at your side. M
She is exploring. All WA's do it. Those of us left behind explore, I think its healthy to explore to a point. I imagine she will be healthier for the experience. Life is about experiences and if we are wise we learn from those experiences. If she does come back she will have experienced the things about you that she took for granted, and will really appreciate them. Some of it is just a superficial distraction, but all in all I would like to believe that life changes make us better, stronger and wiser. I know the changes in my life have made me a better person.
I just want to say again how much I admire the way you have handled yourself through this. S5 is lucky that you have so much class. He'd be in a real tough place without your DBing and your powerful love for him.
Thanks. Not just a sign off, I mean "Thank you, Gabriel."
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
The "forgiveness" letter that you wrote as you were journaling was absolutely beautiful... It brought tears to my eyes... You are an amazing writer! So much of what you wrote in that letter I could relate to w/ my sitch. I also find it quite interesting that you continue to see your W looking tired, gaining a bit of weight, broken out, etc.; however, you, on the other hand are improving yourself in so many ways. What is with these WAS'S?? Can they not see that although they THINK they are doing the "right" thing, that it is quite obvious that perhaps they are not as their bodies are reacting in a negative way. Although I have not seen my H in quite some time now, the last time I DID see him, he looked sooooo tired, THINNER than ever, and generally had a sad look to him. I have lost weight since our seperation (partly intentional due to more exercise and also due to the stress of the sitch), but in general I feel like I look alot better than I did when we were together. (I have a nice tan going now too as the weather in "Sunny Calif." has been quite nice lately. I just do not understand the WAS's, nor do I ever think I will. I wish that your W could see what an amazing husband and incredible father you truly are, Gabriel. I wish my H had the ability to express his feelings the way you were able to do in your "forgiveness" letter... Keep up the positive attitude and hopefully soon a bit of it will rub off on me soon! You are such an inspiration to so many people on this BB! I know that no matter what happens w/ my sitch and my upcoming divorce, that I will be okay b/c of people like you who continue to stay so strong! Take Care! -Kim
W came back to talk more, and blushed notably, with her face getting moist a bit. In our M, W consistently had very low sexual desire (LD) while I was high (HD). This caused definite friction in our R. I am amazed that I have been celibate for 6 mo, and have had rather LD. I'm sure if W invited me, I'd be ready in a split-second, yet I'm surprised in this change in me, especially with all of my physical exercise and improved fitness. I feel more sexually confident, yet without the action. W had been raped and shamed earlier in her youth about her sexuality, so maybe this is her way of continuing her development there. On the one hand, I got a bit fearful about her budding sexuality (maybe) that is happening outside of our R. On the other hand, I was glad that it was not an OM or OW lying in her bed. At a third leve, she was very attractive to me then, and I truly wanted to ravish her. Perhaps another day. I'm finding myself hungry for not mere intercourse, but all the other forms of intimacy, and not with anyone but W. 
