You and S5 deserve to have a wonderful time at Yellowstone. You really have gone to great lengths to save and strengthen your marriage. Your R with W will last all your lives, and you know in your heart that it's better now than it was before you began to DB. I'm sorry that your W didn't realize what she is giving up, but there's still hope that she will in time for your family to reunite.
God bless all your family,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
I've been thinking about you all weekend and today, knowing what was coming. Please know that my best thoughts and prayers and vibes are sent your way, for all of you.
I woke up this morning, the day after you divorced me, with the realization that I needed to forgive you. Despite your willingness to admit fault on only 3 occasions in our marriage, you had your fair share of mistakes. For whatever reason, you were not brave enough to say “I’m sorry” to me. I don’t care about those reasons anymore. I used to wonder about my own sanity – were you really a saint and I that much of a screw-up for me to be the only one apologizing during our rough patches? No. No to both.
I forgive you, W. I forgive you for rejecting me, withholding your love from me in a conscious, deliberate, even talked about manner. I forgive for turning this on me – a young man when this started – and shaming me into thinking that I was a pervert for wanting to be intimate with his wife. I forgive you for the self-doubt and despair that I felt for years about us, the nightmares about you having an affair, the self-loathing that came about, all of the dreamed up reasons for why you would not open your heart to me. I forgive you for consistently choosing your mother over me in our marriage, not defending me against her inappropriate ways of trying to control our household. I forgive you for displacing your self-doubt onto me, ridiculing me even with curse words when you actually doubted yourself, ridiculing my body, my looks, my hair, my mannerisms, my smell, my maleness, my sense of humor, my cleanliness – all features that I’ve found to be solid, attractive, very normal in my own eyes and that of others. I forgive you for trying to pull me down in order to make yourself feel better or because of your hatred of me.
I forgive you for agreeing during our engagement that a marriage is for life, for reassuring me when I told you that I was giving you my most precious gift – my love and my life – and that I would only give it once in my life. I forgive you for betraying that promise, for leaving me committed before my God. I do not need you to complete my journey, but it was meant to be a joyful trip filled with companionship, not like this. I forgive you for taking my commitment when you were not truly willing to be evenly yoked with me on this life task of marriage.
This is the hardest piece to forgive you for: I forgive you for hurting Isaiah. I forgive you for selfishly taking from our beloved son his most precious place – his family, and for removing his father from more that half his days. For rarely letting him see his parents caress or show love while we were together. For placing him below your cleaning rituals, your mother, and your drinking. The love between S5 and I has conquered this new distance, but his little heart has been marred by permanent scars. I have hated you for doing this to him, but I also realize that your past abuse fogs your present choices regarding him. I have let this go in forgiving you. I will move heaven and earth to show S5 how worthy of love he is, and I will make a home as best I can so that I can receive him lovingly when you turn your back on him as well. I expect this, and will be ready. I forgive you.
I am free of having to serve as the explanation for our marital problems and for your depressive view of your life and the world. You are responsible for the consequences of your actions, and will face those consequences some day. That is not my concern. I am free! I am returning to the real me - the happy, healthy, attractive, productive, manly, intelligent, musical, spiritual, romantic, fatherly, athletic, carefree me that I was before we met and that I forgot during my time with you. I own forgetting myself, as I do the joy of rediscovery.
There is no place for my apologies in this letter. Because I filled our marriage with those, and it was not the full truth. I wish for you the truth, and from that truth - growth. And from that growth – peace, contentment, and identity.
I forgive you and have turned to face the future. No looking back. I hold only S5’s hand as we smile and laugh, facing the sun as we stroll onward on our journey.
Wow- I have been following your thread, because being a member of the opposite sex, I find most men have difficulty expressing their feelings.....my hat is off to you.
I apologize for lurking in the dark, but I have found your writings and inspiration towards life somewhat of a life-line filled with hope for all that come to this board. You obviuosly have faced your demons and hurt and are ready to move on with your journey.
God bless you and your S, he has a wonderful father and an incredible role model for his future!!
Keep up the positive feelings and dive head first into your journey-
All the best to you, for the rest of your life- SA3
I second that. I'm glad you have let go, forgave, and are ready to move forward with your new life. I hope you realize that despite being the LBS you are the only one in this that emerged stronger, more confident, and more complete. I for one am proud of you. Your wife may never come to see your qualities, but others will. Good luck to you going forward in your post-D life.
Wes
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: I'm solidifying plans for my Yellowstone camping trip with S5 this summer.
If you go through ND to get there I can offer you a place to crash. But being from Wyoming, I would recommend going through the Bighorn Mtns on your way and spending the night. It has some nice unspoiled camping. Just a suggestion.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Gabriel - you sound like you're hurting. I'm sorry this has happened to you.
When I read in your letter that you have your son half the time, I thought wow, that's a lot. My H only thinks I'm good enough to have my kids 1 day a week and then I have to follow exactly what he says when I have them and put up with him talking down to me in front of them.
He's giving them a really bad impression of how men treat women and when you said half your son's days, I actually thought that was good.
At least she's not using him as a weapon. That is something to think about.
Gabriel- I am sorry that things have gotten to this point with W.
OTOH, you are a MUCH stronger person now and will be able to get through whatever comes your way. You have made yourself a better person for you and S5 and he will be the one who gets all the rewards from that.
W will one day see what she is missing out on and who knows what will happen, but until then, you take care of YOU and S5. Keep your head held high because you should be proud of the accomplishments you have made and how far you have come.
Don't give up! Stay strong! You are in my thoughts
Give yourself a break for a bit and just stop thinking about her/M/D. Go get a massage and take a walk on the beach with your S.
You have done such a wonderful job enhancing your parenting skills and your R with your S5. You should be most proud of yourself.
Hang in there, dude, and do something loving for yourself. What would you do for a very dear friend in the same boat? Do that for yourself. And remember what you are "for" -- not what you are "against". It will help you stay focused and positive for YOU.
Thanks for the WOAs! Much appreciated, K, Martha, Wes, SA3, everyone!
Wes, thanks for the invite. I'll be laying down the specifics in a bit. S5 and I should have a blast.
This D feel is interesting. For clarification, I did not send her the letter. I'm not going to gift her with my thoughts.
Yes, Jo, there is hurting but also confident peace, knowing that I did what I could to save my M, and being quite happy with my improvements. The R lives on and hopefully will be enhanced but we shall see.
WASs are in interesting breed. Our staff secretary is a WAW who left and D her husband 2 yrs ago. To me, she fell apart last week after her BDay about what had she done, crying, how she might have tried harder (H was alcoholic, she went to MC alone for 1+ yrs, so she did try very hard), but had major regrets about D. To W, she is showing a rosy happy picture of "You're starting a new chapter in your life!" (mutual friend shared this w/me) Why can't they be honest w/each other about the positives but also the negatives?
I woke up this am and looked in the mirror, and smiled. A confident smile. I feel like the world is my oyster - I'm fit, look great, have all the degrees I want, a nice career and increasing income, and the ability to fund myself and S5 well. I'm close to a big promotion at work (tenure), I know my God like I never have before. Life is good and will continue to get better. There will be bumps in the road, but that is life.
At S5's Tball game last night, I focused on S5. When W called to tell me they were running late due to bad traffic (she left late too), I empathized with her frustration. When she told me she ruined her cellphone by dropping it in her cup of coffee pre-D, I told her I was sorry to hear that. When they arrived 25 min late, I told her I was glad they arrived safely and got S5 out to practice with me. W hovered in the background at the game, filling in MIL about her D, but I just didn't care. I watched S5 play and chatted with other parents. A pretty single woman in her late 20s flirted with me whenever I sat in the stands, and it was nice to receive that attention. W seemed to notice and went to go help in the concession stand. I truly have no desire toward an R right now. Its all about S5 and me. No distractions.
Martha, a massage sounds great. I'm a bit sunburned right now (many hrs at the beach this past weekend ), but I will follow that great idea in a few days. I do miss another's touch, and that would be a nice safe way to get it. Do you think I can find a nice buxom massage therapist?
Just a brief witness to how important it is to DB in a hard, disciplined, intense manner during your sitch. That has saved me from a long hard fall. Following the worst event in my life, I feel like a male lion (alright, not much of a mane, but stay with me here, there's a point to this ), okay with being away from his pride right now, enjoying the sensation of his muscles rippling as he walks, and knowing that he truly owns his territory, as he wanders afield. I know myself folks, like I haven't before. Thank you for helping to make that happen.
W will have plenty of space and time. Hopefully, she will grow. At least for the sake of S5. Perseverance is a major ingredient for DBing. I have plenty. My work on the R will continue...stay tuned!
