I know that telling you not to think about it would be like telling the Mississippi to stand still. Try to act as-if everything is exactly the way you want it right now and that everything is okay. Easy for me to say, I know. But, I'll be in the same spot as you soon and I'm going to have to do the same thing.
I don't know about astrology and all of that, but it is amazing how accurate it can be, particularly w/ my R and life. I did a relationship or couple's type report on one of the astrology websites and it just sounded like my W and I to a "T". For instance:
Quote: You may someday come to a crossroads in this relationship where Pluto will have your relationship come crashing down around you in order to rebuild it again at a much higher level than it was before, just like the Phoenix rising again from the ashes to be born anew. Great transformations are possible because of this aspect.
I see this and it gives me a chill up my back. Many other parts of the reading were highly positive as well. I know that it is for entertainment value, but it is eerie how aacurate it was. All I did was give our birthdate and birthplace info. I hope the reference to the Pheonix comes true.
I'm not sure what the prupose of that little anecdote was, but I thought I'd share it w/ you.
Gabe 1 thing u have to remember a Divorce is just a piece of paper. Remember to stay out of the fight and to agree on everything she has to offer. This will lead to a better R and will keep all fights at bay. I got to keep this short cause 6:00 am comes early. and it is 12:30 at night. GOD BLESS AND KEEP IN TOUCH. BILL
Fri evening was interested. At the graduation ceremonies, W had hung out w/ my work buddy and I instead of mingling with other faculty, as she could have. Later, she complimented my friend on being so nice (no mention of me). She had her hair done, and said thank you when I noticed. (I had my hair cut, but its a more regular event, and I don't look for compliments when it happens - just painting the picture that things are decidedly one-way right now).
Had a nice weekend w/ S5. Sat, we enjoyed donuts and cartoons, then we packed snacks and gatorade and hung out at the beach til early evening. First time in ages that I was comfortable with my body shape. S5 and I enjoyed tons of ocean fun despite the water being a bit cold still.
At night, he shared with me that he only tells me about being sad about the D. When I told him he could talk to W about his feelings, he tried to explain in 5you terms that she's not M friendly, so he doesn't trust her with his thoughts/feelings about getting his family back together. He's a smart littled kid - he's learned who's a friendly and who's not, on that topic. W/ me I validate his feelings, and pray with him, and let him reminesce good times together as a family. Maybe the two of us are mourning the death of our family, holding our own little wake. There is such pain in the little guy. I hate D! It is hard to be there for him, yet I'll do it every time. Hard cause I have to shield him from the depth of my own sense of loss, and my own sadness.
Sunday, we enjoyed Mass together - watched two dozen kids receive their first communion. He was very curious about it. I thought about how his day might be (in 2 yrs), and wondered if W would be there to celebrate with us as a family or at all. We prayed hard together and I offered up my Mass for W, and our family. I thought of and prayed for all of you co-DBers and your families, as I do at night as well. We went to the zoo, and saw some nice displays, rode the train, and S5 got to ride a new carousel there.
At dropoff, I asked to speak to W and dipped into a bit of R talk. Figured on the eve of D, I'm allowed some non-DB steps. Somewhat unproductive - lots of interruptions by S5, so we stopped each time to talk with him. I brieftly re-apologized for past hurts, and W commented that maybe we were mismatched. I noted that we had thought about our W and prayed about it extensively, so I know that our M was intended and was blessed. When I said that I wanted her to find happiness, she almost thru back in my face "I want YOU find happiness, too!" The look in her eyes made me think that she was talking about potential OP, almost in an accusing fashion.
W commented that I had disrespected her as a mother by critiquing her mothering so much when S5 was an infant and toddler. I didn't argue, just said I was sorry. I noted that I also disrespected her as a woman (use of porn during M yrs 4-6, stupidly trying to bridge our desire differences), and that I took her frequent rejection of me physically as something wrong with me, and that I have figured out that it wasn't about me, but was her stuff. I noted that my 6mo of celibacy has proven to me that I'm a healthy, self-willed man, who is not dependent on another to feed me affection or acceptance, but that my own self-care and love from God has been a great rediscover for me.
W noted that she wants to get back to camping and hiking, stating that two trips to Joshua Tree and the Black Hills that I took her on (no mention of me, just the trips) were the "most peaceful times of [her] life." She said that she hopes to do that on her trip to Hawaii, but noted that she'll just be day-hiking instead of trying to camp with a grad student.She was wearing hiking boots and socks at dropoff. Maybe a strategic move or just proud and wanted to share that positive trip with me? When I used the term "friend" to describe the grad student who will be going with her, W corrected me saying, "its more like a mother-daughter R, but she needs a good role model."
Well, the big D is tomorrow. Brings me down a bit, but not as much as I expected. Perhaps I've truly bought into the idea that, as Fish most recently put it, its just a piece of paper. W has a distance to travel in terms of growing/maturing/identity/finding God - whatever you want to call it, and S5 and I will need to survive by ourselve in a sense. During tonight's convo, I saw lots of the same pridefullness and some immaturity that cut short many a convo, with her rolling her eyes or shrugging her shoulders or saying "anything else?" Very superficial defenses, yet maybe the emotion was there for her, too. I was glad that I didn't cry, or fall apart into begging/pleading mode. W was cold a bit on the exterior, but I could see emotions writhing about underneath. She looked heavier, and not as healthy as in previous weeks.
I wrapped up saying that, b/c I intend to act in a respectful manner to her, I won't be assuming that she needs help, but that I will be more than willing to do what I can, if the need arises. In other words, I asked her to communicate more with me, especially regarding need.
W invited me to S5's soccer match tomorrow, and we'll be officially D'd then. That will be something to experience. She also asked me to have S5 on Fri nights as well on the weekends that I have him. Wonder if she's going to hold true or if the MLC stuff will start to break out now that she is "free."
Hang in there, pal. This is a sad thing to face, but you've come a long way in your own journey. You're taking good care of yourself and S5. You will get through this and survive the piece of paper.
I'll be praying for you today.
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Other than going too long without eating a decent meal today (a bit light-headed now), I'm doing alright.
D should be done by now. W was a bear at pick-up snapping at S5 and at me. I approached at one point to sooth (I know - I'm not the best at timing sometimes) and W snapped "No!" Yet, she left a VM on my cell late morning re a MD appt for S5 - sounded awful. Looked rough this am too - broken out, hair a mess. Don't WASs see what their choices do to them and the LBS? Or is it externalized, blamed on the LBS, too?
I'm solidifying plans for my Yellowstone camping trip with S5 this summer. We need some things to look forward to.
Gabriel, Hang in there. The D itself is merely a formality. I just wanted to let you know that I think you are on the right track. You have provided inspiration over the months. Thanks. Go through this with your head held high knowing that you did everything you could to save your marriage. This is something to be proud of and something that no-one can take from you. Hang in there.
