Fri evening was interested. At the graduation ceremonies, W had hung out w/ my work buddy and I instead of mingling with other faculty, as she could have. Later, she complimented my friend on being so nice (no mention of me). She had her hair done, and said thank you when I noticed. (I had my hair cut, but its a more regular event, and I don't look for compliments when it happens - just painting the picture that things are decidedly one-way right now).
Had a nice weekend w/ S5. Sat, we enjoyed donuts and cartoons, then we packed snacks and gatorade and hung out at the beach til early evening. First time in ages that I was comfortable with my body shape. S5 and I enjoyed tons of ocean fun despite the water being a bit cold still.
At night, he shared with me that he only tells me about being sad about the D. When I told him he could talk to W about his feelings, he tried to explain in 5you terms that she's not M friendly, so he doesn't trust her with his thoughts/feelings about getting his family back together. He's a smart littled kid - he's learned who's a friendly and who's not, on that topic. W/ me I validate his feelings, and pray with him, and let him reminesce good times together as a family. Maybe the two of us are mourning the death of our family, holding our own little wake. There is such pain in the little guy. I hate D! It is hard to be there for him, yet I'll do it every time. Hard cause I have to shield him from the depth of my own sense of loss, and my own sadness.
Sunday, we enjoyed Mass together - watched two dozen kids receive their first communion. He was very curious about it. I thought about how his day might be (in 2 yrs), and wondered if W would be there to celebrate with us as a family or at all. We prayed hard together and I offered up my Mass for W, and our family. I thought of and prayed for all of you co-DBers and your families, as I do at night as well. We went to the zoo, and saw some nice displays, rode the train, and S5 got to ride a new carousel there.
At dropoff, I asked to speak to W and dipped into a bit of R talk. Figured on the eve of D, I'm allowed some non-DB steps. Somewhat unproductive - lots of interruptions by S5, so we stopped each time to talk with him. I brieftly re-apologized for past hurts, and W commented that maybe we were mismatched. I noted that we had thought about our W and prayed about it extensively, so I know that our M was intended and was blessed. When I said that I wanted her to find happiness, she almost thru back in my face "I want YOU find happiness, too!" The look in her eyes made me think that she was talking about potential OP, almost in an accusing fashion.
W commented that I had disrespected her as a mother by critiquing her mothering so much when S5 was an infant and toddler. I didn't argue, just said I was sorry. I noted that I also disrespected her as a woman (use of porn during M yrs 4-6, stupidly trying to bridge our desire differences), and that I took her frequent rejection of me physically as something wrong with me, and that I have figured out that it wasn't about me, but was her stuff. I noted that my 6mo of celibacy has proven to me that I'm a healthy, self-willed man, who is not dependent on another to feed me affection or acceptance, but that my own self-care and love from God has been a great rediscover for me.
W noted that she wants to get back to camping and hiking, stating that two trips to Joshua Tree and the Black Hills that I took her on (no mention of me, just the trips) were the "most peaceful times of [her] life." She said that she hopes to do that on her trip to Hawaii, but noted that she'll just be day-hiking instead of trying to camp with a grad student.She was wearing hiking boots and socks at dropoff. Maybe a strategic move or just proud and wanted to share that positive trip with me? When I used the term "friend" to describe the grad student who will be going with her, W corrected me saying, "its more like a mother-daughter R, but she needs a good role model."
Well, the big D is tomorrow. Brings me down a bit, but not as much as I expected. Perhaps I've truly bought into the idea that, as Fish most recently put it, its just a piece of paper. W has a distance to travel in terms of growing/maturing/identity/finding God - whatever you want to call it, and S5 and I will need to survive by ourselve in a sense. During tonight's convo, I saw lots of the same pridefullness and some immaturity that cut short many a convo, with her rolling her eyes or shrugging her shoulders or saying "anything else?" Very superficial defenses, yet maybe the emotion was there for her, too. I was glad that I didn't cry, or fall apart into begging/pleading mode. W was cold a bit on the exterior, but I could see emotions writhing about underneath. She looked heavier, and not as healthy as in previous weeks.
I wrapped up saying that, b/c I intend to act in a respectful manner to her, I won't be assuming that she needs help, but that I will be more than willing to do what I can, if the need arises. In other words, I asked her to communicate more with me, especially regarding need.
W invited me to S5's soccer match tomorrow, and we'll be officially D'd then. That will be something to experience. She also asked me to have S5 on Fri nights as well on the weekends that I have him. Wonder if she's going to hold true or if the MLC stuff will start to break out now that she is "free."
