I appreciate your compliments. I'm trying to pull my mood up by my bootstraps. I had 2 glasses of wine last night while enjoying a movie. Probably should have stayed with 1, as I feel like PMA got sucked out of me despite another run last night.
I also had a couple of conversations with my sister last night then my brother who called this am - both with the theme of "get on with your life." Have I said how much I appreciate this BB? No one else really gets it. And I realized a few days ago that I can't really vent to family, as if we reconcile, I will have poisoned my family further against her - and there will be yet another hurdle to overcome.
W called and left a message a few min ago. She and S5 stopped to shop for some clothes on their way home - she sounded very abrupt and matter-of-fact. I'll have to throw some cold water on my face and get ready to act 'as-if' with her when I pick up S5 for a brief evening outing.
1. Your W is continually phoning you to ask for advice, check up on you etc. At your stage, my H couldn't give a monkey's and NEVER phoned me unless it was to shout at me.
2. She wants you to co-parent with her. You are not a victim of parental alienation syndrome as I was. She actually wants you to raise your son.
3. She's inviting you out places and you go on outings together.
4. She's sexually insecure (i.e, negative comments about other women, watching you when there's other women about).
5. Because you are in regular contact she can see your changes and you can demonstrate them more.
You are a long further down the DB path than I was!
6. If you were to just reunite tomorrow you might go back to your previous behaviour and split up again. It takes time if you really want to have a satisfying new M.
7. You need to get to a point where you don't need her, you just WANT her which is different. Then you will be in a stronger position in the M and she will possibly need you more when she realises you don't rely on her coming back.
8. If you get a D, it's a piece of paper. You can get re-married again. Your church would even allow it since she's the same W you married the first time.
9. There is a MAJOR advantage to a D and a re-marriage, you get the HONEYMOON all over again
Hey Gabriel. Just wanted you to know that I do check in on you, but haven't been posting much, cause you sure are doing well. Your goals, PMA, Get a Life, etc... for yourself are inspiring. I really feel your wife will be back. Again, sometimes it's not that they are that unhappy with us, but with themselves. Ahhhhh, patience I also believe in the whole thing about good and improvements happening in our lives in the long run, by going through all of this.
Thank you for that outlining of positives. What a PMA booster! I greatly appreciate that - thanks! Looking at things more closely, there are indeed some grounds to be optimistic.
I get the caution about jumping back into things too soon. Time and patience are needed on both sides. W needs to grow and my changes need to stick. Very true.
Steve, you are right about good coming out of all of this. Most of us probably wish for an easier way to grow... S5 is still involved in TBall. W has been avoiding taking him due to her neg reactions to competition, so he's missed 2 games recently. I'll be practicing with him in a few minutes. W called to tell me what she bought him for summer clothes (he's growing like a weed!), so I had a chance to validate her efforts. She's being a nicely responsible mother, and I need to keep complimenting her there. Can't wait to see both of them! (haven't since Fri morning).
Hmmmmm, sounds like the same delima that I may have to deal with. My W also thinks that it is too competitive and taken too seriously. I also believe that too many people do take it this way. But the kids can still have a blast and we just need to deal with it. My W said that if the coach ever yelled, he wouldn't be playing. I love sports and sure it will be fine. He's still about 3 years away.
Ha! Steve, my W is one of those overly competitive folks. I'm sure she'll be banned from one of his games in the future. I can just see her being hauled out of a basketball arena with S5 looking horrified. j/k.
Interesting afternoon. S5 was testy and said lots of difficult stuff like "I hate you." Reunification stuff. Nearly stopped my heart when he said that W had a new boyfriend, and that they were going to have a new baby when she moved into her condo. S5 commented how I looked old, and how 'Bruce' looks young and strong, like Superman. I realized that he had just spent the weekend with MIL/FIL and that a few days with them could send anyone over the deep end. I also realized that his favorite character, Batman, is named Bruce Wayne in 'real life.' Yet when we got back this evening from practicing baseball, dinner out and giving him a bath, I asked to speak to W privately (I know, bad DBing here).
I could tell she was nervous (her arms crossed as we walked to the kitchen), and I started calmly: G: "I know that some things are no longer my business, yet S5 shared some things with me today that have left me puzzled. I thought we could maybe just talk like adults about them." W: (looking scared)"Okay." G: "S5 said that you have a new BF and that you're expecting a baby." W: (bursting into laughter). "Oh no! Gabe! I don't. I don't have a BF, and I'm not pregnant. I'm not dating and have no desire to. And it IS your business because I'm the mother of your son."
I exhaled deeply commented that reuniting with S5 is hard sometimes. We lightened up the convo there, and talked about S5, his feelings, how to make things easier on him. I didn't reassure W in turn about my dating or not, prefering some mystery to none.
More convo happened, w/ W talking about her parents, worrying then complaining a bit about them, and asking me about mine. We both agreed that we are a rare presence in our field - 2 folks from very blue-collar families with parents still struggling financially. W talked a bit about her financial plans and struggles, I shared a bit about what I was doing, and we agreed together that it was a good thing that W was focusing more on S5 and not trying to overwork at her job. She commented, "Its good that one of us is going to make some money." She seemed to soften toward me as we continued on.
Scary a bit there. Maybe I shouldn't have sought reassurance, but boy was that a zinger there. I must have at least 100 new white hairs! I hope when I'm old and senile, I remember to pee on S5's furniture a few times to pay him back for that one!
Gabriel- LOL....had to laugh at the comment of peeing on S5's furniture. Nice to see you still have that sense of humor
It is ok that you sought a little reassurance. We all do it sometimes. At least it is one less thing you have to worry about now. Besides, you don't do it often anyway.
At least it was a positive encounter. W could have kept it all inside and not shared it with you. Then you would really be going nuts. Hell, she even added that she has no desire to date
Look for the positives Gabriel. Keep those in your head.
After being with MIL/FIL you should expect for S5 to be the way he was. You know that better than anyone. Just be thankful that you did get a positive out of W after her being near them as well.
Things are still looking good for you. Keep hanging in there!
<Gabe gets up from croaching position, removes arms from over his head> Wow, no whacks! Thanks Lost!
Yesterday was a nice clear reminder for me to ignore the crazymaker and to keep working hard on myself, trusting this DB process. W used "us" a few times referring to the future, expressed concern for me as well, and indirectly complimented me on my getting into shape.
Gotta keep focused on the here-and-now and keep at it.
Gabriel: I actually gasped when I read about a BF and baby on the way!! I am amazed that you were able to keep it so together and ask her politely about her status. Very well done. You are doing great. I know it is hard to not get discouraged when I get discouraged. It sounds redundant but it's not. I sometimes think I should be beyond feeling this or that and when I do, I get a little disappointed and frustrated. But then I realize it is ALL part of the process. We can't be too hard on ourselves yet at the same time we can't let our guard down either. Jo did an excellent job analyzing your progress. I would print it off and keep it somewhere you can refer to it. Stay strong. M
Whew...read on...so glad that wasn't at all true. Wow, I had a lot of catching up to do. Look what happens when I'm gone for a few weeks! Got your pic today Gabe, I must tell all of you women here, he is quite the hottie! That combined with his new wonderful PMA and fatherhood, I just don't see how your W isn't sinking in her bathtub every single night wondering what the heck she is doing??!!!!!!!
<perks a brow> btw, are we still on for that hot tub party? Cuz I'm really thinkin that could be lots of fun! LOL Hang in there hun, we are all still praying for you. Not a night has gone by the past three weeks that I haven't prayed for the three of you and for God to restore your marriage with a new hope and R.
hugs and love, Juls
~Sacrifice is not what we give up, but what we ultimately gain~ My Sitch
No one else really gets it. And I realized a few days ago that I can't really vent to family, as if we reconcile, I will have poisoned my family further against her - and there will be yet another hurdle to overcome. 
j/k.
I realized that he had just spent the weekend with MIL/FIL and that a few days with them could send anyone over the deep end. I also realized that his favorite character, Batman, is named Bruce Wayne in 'real life.' Yet when we got back this evening from practicing baseball, dinner out and giving him a bath, I asked to speak to W privately (I know, bad DBing here).
I hope when I'm old and senile, I remember to pee on S5's furniture a few times to pay him back for that one!