Just wanted to pop in and check out your situation. It sounds like you are pretty much on cruise control for a little while. I think your attempts to praise your wife have been in good taste. You hopefully are at the very least working on a good friendship since you will always have the bond through your son. I wish I had made the effort to be friends with my ex-W (first marriage) rather than enemies. Things go smoother that way.
Anyway, I'm hoping that you are one of the 20% that get remarried to their ex-spouse. I would think that DBers should have better odds than the general public so maybe it's like 30%.
Your attitude sounds great and the goals you have set seem like they'll keep you busy.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
That's excellent! You are coping really well. I understand 'gray' as well It was your zucchini (zucchini????) that got me when I was in the USA I mean, I didn't understand that.
And you broil stuff. I mean, broil? Cooking was most challenging! Gray's pretty easy though because it's nearly the same as grey.
So you want to write as well do you? Good for you! Your job sounds interesting.
It's nice that your students are so friendly towards you.
Lost, I will keep my expectations low while trying to lighten things up with humor - you taught me that! I should be better at being lighter with better sleep.
Hope, I agree that the connection thru one's child is so valuable. I do hope to be at least friends with her. If true, I like those 30% odds even better.
Jo, I don't get the zucchini comment. What do you call it? Broil is alright - but how about char-broiled? Charbroiled burgers - yummm! (I'm a die-hard, protein-loving meat-lover I crave it every now and then in a huge way, especially with this amped-up metabolism I have now due to more exercise). I don't write fun interesting stuff like you, just write up research to publish in professional journals.
I spent the afternoon with S5 and had him overnight. W asked me to do so so that she could attend a Jazz concert with a GF. S5 and I had supper at home and read and went to bed early, sleeping well for a nice long time. He just wanted to snuggle and hang out with me. Sounds like he's feeling his young life is so very busy, and he seemed to appreciate this down time with Dad.
We picked up some donuts for S5 and W before I dropped him back off. We rang the doorbell for some time and W didn't answer the phone, then S5 tried the front door and found it open so we walked in. I set S5 up in the kitchen with a cup of milk and his donuts, and was about to leave (heard W in the house) when W came out in a robe, and commented that she had been in the shower. No thanks or questions were made toward me about our evening and I didn't ask her about hers. W noted that she woke up and paid off her portion of c.c. bills early this am online, and I said "great!". She seemed relieved and hopefully this will remove one worry from her plate. I wished them a fun and safe time this weekend at NASA and kissed S5 goodbye. W said a friendly goodbye as well.
To date I've paid off 53% of the M debt I'm responsible for. I'm pretty proud of myself for that, cause I've done so with hard, extra work. As I won't get any acknowledgement from W for shouldering the majority of our debt or giving her the majority of our assets, I have to congratulate myself, and use it to boost my PMA.
Jo, I think W is in true WAS mood and may not even notice my above financial efforts. But I do think she appreciates and responds to my WOA (words of affirmation) regarding her parenting. That was a nice lead from you - thanks!
This weekend, my plans are to enjoy the outdoors, go out one night, get some writing in, and do a bit of clothes shopping. I plan on getting some nice looking summer wear for both work and leisure. I have an improved physique and this will help W notice it, as well as help me to feel better.
Gabriel- You are doing well at staying focused You have excellent goals. I sometimes have a hard time with setting goals but I do try.
I am sure W notices all the things you do whether finacial or otherwise. One day when the 2 of you are back together you will find that out
Even though we think they don't see things or notice things...they do. I am learning that just about every day from H. It just takes time. She will come around eventually Gabriel.
I don't write fun stuff. I write medical books and articles on child health and alternative therapies in magazines. I get interviewed my journalists and people sometimes source their articles from something I wrote.
I have never really written anything fun, although I do have a sense of humour and play with words quite a lot.
I sometimes help with medical litigation cases and I provide practical and emotional support to those with medical damage issues. For instance, today a lawyer rang me wanting to buy 1 of my books so he can strengthen his client's case.
I wish I did more light hearted stuff
My book about H and I is my first try at something not medical.
Quote: To date I've paid off 53% of the M debt I'm responsible for. I'm pretty proud of myself for that, cause I've done so with hard, extra work. As I won't get any acknowledgement from W for shouldering the majority of our debt or giving her the majority of our assets, I have to congratulate myself, and use it to boost my PMA.
I think you're on the right track with that. Do what you know is best for you, and get the satisfaction from yourself for it.
Gabe, you can write anything you want. You, too, Jo. There's no guarantees that you'll get people paying for it as they pay for the stuff you do professionally now, but writing can be a joy in itself. If you want to write "fun" stuff, go ahead. Maybe it will be financially rewarding, too, but it's worth doing for its own sake.
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Hi Lost, Jo, and Koshka - thanks for posting to my thread!
Lost, I appreciate you noticing patterns in W's behavior for me. Sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees... for example, in terms of W showing me that she is running and doing other new things, you wrote:
Quote: You never know. But at least she is starting to do things that are nothing to do with being obsessed with work.
I do hope she's noticing and appreciating my changes. Thank you for noting that she needs her space and that this takes time. I need to strengthed my patience again. In sitches like mine, where the WAS rushes to D, it is hard to keep an eye on the big picture (beyond D) to heal to the R and bring about the same process of reconciliation.
Jo, I meant no offense about writing 'fun' stuff. I admire that kind of writing. You and I have a similar focus. I study stress response in preschoolers and parents, especially fathers. I had focused on extreme topics like domestic violence and child abuse (definitely not fun stuff) but am moving toward 'lighter' positive topics like the benefits of fathers for boys and girls. I want to order one of your books! I'm always on the lookout for non-mainstream intervention/preventive health techniques. Please email me at gabriel_j_y@yahoo.com would you, with how to do so?
The previous summer, W and I started a fantasy book - I actually drafted two young characters with the traits/strengths and vulnerabilities of her and I. It was fun, dreaming up a story over our glasses of wine. As in other situations, I noticed that W really struggled with fantasy, trying to make it a very analyticaly process. She both admired and criticized my ability to fantasize/dream, saying that I 'never' followed thru (just not true), and not quite seeing that the beauty of fantasy includes being abl to learn from an experience without having to live through it. I'll try to pick that up as a hobby when I'm back in the house. Thanks for the encouragement on that, K.
A question for you all. A former graduate student who knows our situation and is probably W's best friend right now contacted me about applying to the program I'm more affiliated with (I train master's level mental helath counselors). I'm a bit concerned about boundaries (I haven't talked to her in several months), but I also take it as a positive that she's pursuing this training, knowing that I would be a main faculty member/supervisor in the program. Perhaps she's seen W and my sitch in a balanced manner, seeing that I'm fair/trustworthy? W brought her FF's application up, asking wistfully if we'd accepted her (I gave no confirmation, as we're still deciding). Any cautions, heads-up?
I'm struggling with feeling low about my sitch since last night. Went to church, had a hard time not crying. It is truly hard to hold to 'Thy will be done' when there is so little improvement.
I also have great resentment, knowing that W and S5 are spending the weekend with MIL/FIL, a 'happy' family on the surface that hides loads of gunky abuse history. It literally nauseated me to be around them during our M, seeing the impact on W's behavior and knowing that her treatment of me would worsen as soon as we would leave.
I guess that's the beauty of DBing - letting go of the past, forgiving, and staying focused on the present to work toward one's goals. This is so hard! I've been laboring at this since November. I have to remind myself that I have improved so much, and that my R with W has as well.
I don't want to end up as a bitter divorcee. I want my wife and child back - fulltime - as a family. I miss them.
I hear you. I know how frustrated I get at times. If it's any consolation, I look to you as a model for how I can better my DBing, better my bettering, you might say. I admire your persistence, and I think you have every right to take it easy on yourself now and again.
Thanks for all that you have given to so many people through your sharing here. You're a great guy.
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
I mean, I didn't understand that.
Gray's pretty easy though because it's nearly the same as grey.
I crave it every now and then in a huge way, especially with this amped-up metabolism I have now due to more exercise). I don't write fun interesting stuff like you, just write up research to publish in professional journals.