Forgot to mention last night that while on the phone w/me, S5 spilled a glass of milk all over the floor, and W barked at him "S5, you spilled crap all over the floor!" She has lungs made for an actor and her words can sound incredibly harsh (I know cause I was the recipient for many years). She abruptly got off the phone, so I hung up. S5 called me back within 2 min, tearful and asking why I hung up. I sensed that he wanted to keep talking with me in part b/c it was 'safer' with me on the line. W cusses like a sailor when angry, and I hope that her language/volume toward him isn't worse than what I heard. I think S5 is using me as safety net.
Today, I got the sense that W may be doing the same. She called me up to ask if I'd have S5 overnight Thur so she can go to a jazz musician show w/ a girlfriend. Maybe she realized she needs more frequent breaks from him?
Bulldogr, I don't think she's in a fullblown MLC. Though s/t like it is very possible. I do think many younger women who have been overcontrolled, especially by their own unfulfilled mothers, often find themselves asking "who am I?" far past their teens. Rightly so, I think W needs to answer part of this question. Tho my opinion is that its a bit chickensh!t to be doing so at the cost of a child and one's spouse. Yet, she's staying way more consistent and responsible than many WASs described on this BB, just needing to get her self work done.
M wrote:
Quote: Have you always been so self-reflective and intuned with your relationship(s)? The reason I ask is that your advice seems to go much deeper than just something you were forced to learn because of your marital problems.
I am very reflective, but I do need to be more spontaneously sharing and expressive. W experienced it as me being aloof or condescending. I've learned thru DBing to let her stuff be her stuff and to stay relaxed and confident, thus more expressive.
Quote: Were you the communicator?
I was better able to think of big picture than W, but we both had communication problems, escalating easily. Now I serve as the steady one, and let her express safely and confidently move her toward feeling understood, which has led her to de-escalate very quickly every time. I think this particular change has her very intrigued!
Quote: I truly hope your wife will come to appreciate how patient and devoted you are.
