So...I haven't posted in quite some time for a couple of reasons. For one, I just needed a break. And it did me a world of good! Two...well, two I can't go into yet, but hopefully soon. Thanks so much to my poor DB friend who was inundated with emails (and a couple of tearful phone calls) the last month--I appreciate it!

Aaaaanywaaaay....

I feel more alive today than I have in a long, long time. Kind of strange. Things with H and I are...interesting. I had been mulling leaving the past month or so. I was becoming convinced that his behavior was really who he was, not just temporary. Then, we had a lengthy phone conversation this morning, and he said some things that really clicked with me that, somehow, the walk-away side got triggered again. This, I can deal with. That means my H is in there somewhere....

We are certainly not seperated, but H is not living with me at the moment. Says he wants to work on his personal issues for awhile. That's okay with me, I can deal with it, and we certainly have discussed this before. Strangely, it also gives me more breathing room to refocus and reevaluate what I'm doing. I think I did a much better job of DBing before we started living together again. Did he move back in too soon? I don't know, but it's kind of a moot point right now.

I picked up M/V. It's helped me to clarify a lot of things H has said to me. I'm maybe halfway through it...good book, I'm enjoying it much more than I expected! Some of the things in there, I had sort of pondered or wondered about on my own. But, M/V really quantified it for me. I thought they were just peculiar to H; turns out it's just men in general. Maybe if I'd dated more, I would know this...but, oh well. Ce la vie.

I think I have been depressed the last few months. Understandable, with H being all weird anyway, and then him taking off about a month ago. Okay, that's not fair to him. I did tell him I would not be mad at him if he did this, so I shouldn't be.

So I went out last night with BIL2, this girl he is now seeing, and some of her friends. I had a great time. Did some new things, some things I never would have expected that I would enjoy. Of all places, we went to a strip club. I was curious, so was she. I have certainly never been a prude, never cared the few times H went, whatever. (And there were also male strippers there.) Anyway, it was a very good experience. Of all the strange things, I am actually more confident about how I look now...! All the little things I hate about how I look, the strippers had them, too. And they were beautiful women. I never would have expected to feel that way after going, but I do. Not that I'm going to make it a habit of going to strip clubs, now... But what a thing to figure out...

And, I realized, I go out and do much more stuff with other people when H is not here all of the time. Which makes me a happier person. Which means I am less mad at him, I pick stupid fights less, and we get along better. Huh? Why would I not be as active when H is living with me?? I was this outgoing before we reconciled, and I remember thinking at the time that I needed to keep up my GAL stuff, but I just sort of...stopped...after awhile.

Anyway, I feel great today, more energetic than I have in a long, long time. And I didn't even get enough sleep last night. Clearly, GAL is good for me, and I need to not let my tendency to suffer from depression pull me back down again.

I also, a week or so back, went out and bought a couple of journals along with M/V. Been writing notes and ideas in there. I tend to remember things better if I'm written them down, so as I pick up interesting tidbits in M/V, I'm quoting them in there. I would love for H to read it, but I think the suggestion would not go over well. I'm thinking of how to pique his interest...maybe by talking about some of things I've been doing wrong that the book has helped with. I have to be careful not to come across critically of H, he is realy sensitive.

Which is another interesting thing. He is sensitive. Very sensitive. Which means, as a guy, he's grumpy when he's hurt. It's been frustrating me lately, which isn't fair to him. One of the reasons I really, really enjoyed being with him was his sensitivity. I've been doing that a lot lately. Things that never bothered me before, do now. And that's not fair. Yes, it's because of the PA and the two seperations...but...it's like I changed the rules on him, without his even knowing it.

As I was watching BIL2 and his girl (I don't want to say gf yet, I don't think they're that far along), it reminded me so much of H and I the first three years of our relationship. BIL2 and H are a lot alike. And BIL2 had that kind of cute, shy grin last night...he is really into her, and it's good to see. I miss that with H. I was really starting to feel that way again at Christmas, too.

I do think H felt a little left out last night. He was complaining that he wanted me to do something like that before. Well...we had talked about it...but he was always tired or didn't feel like it after working... I was actually hoping he would call me while we were still at the club. But I think he misses hanging out with BIL2 and I. That really got to him last year. Right after BIL2 got back from Kuwait, the two of us were hanging out a lot. It used to be the three of us a lot, and I think H not being a part of that really hurt him--even though he was the one who took himself out of the equation.

I don't think I was very validating on the phone with H this morning. Okay, I know I wasn't. It was 4am...I was still drunk... But, yeah. I was a little mean. I left H a vm apologizing for it. He hasn't called me yet, but he could easily be still asleep.

So...that's pretty much what's going on with me right now. I'm going to really try not to focus on H, and try to fix some more of my bad habits. I think "backslide" may be too strong of a word, but there were some things I started doing again after we reconciled that I thought were okay, but now, may not be. I'm also going to reread my old threads, see if I've forgotten anything I may have figured out then. I started writing stuff on note cards, so I can flip through those when I get really worked up.

I'm planning on getting another tattoo soon. With my bonus and tax refund, there are some outstanding debts I intend to pay...and then, I can do something extra special for ME. I'm also considering getting my belly button pierced. I'm a bit hesitant, since my ears didn't heal especially well, and I've had those for years. I will probably speak with someone at the tattoo place when I get that done, get some more information on the piercing, and think about it some more. I think H would be shocked. And, of course, I rather enjoy it when I loosen up and do something, oh, not-so-conservative. I never went through that wild phase as a teenager or in college.

Hope everyone is doing well! It's finally warm and sunny here.

Edited: outstanding debts, not oustanding bets! Yikes, what a typo...lol

Last edited by Nevanna; 04/17/05 06:30 PM.
[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]