So...I haven't posted in quite some time for a couple of reasons. For one, I just needed a break. And it did me a world of good! Two...well, two I can't go into yet, but hopefully soon. Thanks so much to my poor DB friend who was inundated with emails (and a couple of tearful phone calls) the last month--I appreciate it!
Aaaaanywaaaay....
I feel more alive today than I have in a long, long time. Kind of strange. Things with H and I are...interesting. I had been mulling leaving the past month or so. I was becoming convinced that his behavior was really who he was, not just temporary. Then, we had a lengthy phone conversation this morning, and he said some things that really clicked with me that, somehow, the walk-away side got triggered again. This, I can deal with. That means my H is in there somewhere....
We are certainly not seperated, but H is not living with me at the moment. Says he wants to work on his personal issues for awhile. That's okay with me, I can deal with it, and we certainly have discussed this before. Strangely, it also gives me more breathing room to refocus and reevaluate what I'm doing. I think I did a much better job of DBing before we started living together again. Did he move back in too soon? I don't know, but it's kind of a moot point right now.
I picked up M/V. It's helped me to clarify a lot of things H has said to me. I'm maybe halfway through it...good book, I'm enjoying it much more than I expected! Some of the things in there, I had sort of pondered or wondered about on my own. But, M/V really quantified it for me. I thought they were just peculiar to H; turns out it's just men in general. Maybe if I'd dated more, I would know this...but, oh well. Ce la vie.
I think I have been depressed the last few months. Understandable, with H being all weird anyway, and then him taking off about a month ago. Okay, that's not fair to him. I did tell him I would not be mad at him if he did this, so I shouldn't be.
So I went out last night with BIL2, this girl he is now seeing, and some of her friends. I had a great time. Did some new things, some things I never would have expected that I would enjoy. Of all places, we went to a strip club. I was curious, so was she. I have certainly never been a prude, never cared the few times H went, whatever. (And there were also male strippers there.) Anyway, it was a very good experience. Of all the strange things, I am actually more confident about how I look now...! All the little things I hate about how I look, the strippers had them, too. And they were beautiful women. I never would have expected to feel that way after going, but I do. Not that I'm going to make it a habit of going to strip clubs, now... But what a thing to figure out...
And, I realized, I go out and do much more stuff with other people when H is not here all of the time. Which makes me a happier person. Which means I am less mad at him, I pick stupid fights less, and we get along better. Huh? Why would I not be as active when H is living with me?? I was this outgoing before we reconciled, and I remember thinking at the time that I needed to keep up my GAL stuff, but I just sort of...stopped...after awhile.
Anyway, I feel great today, more energetic than I have in a long, long time. And I didn't even get enough sleep last night. Clearly, GAL is good for me, and I need to not let my tendency to suffer from depression pull me back down again.
I also, a week or so back, went out and bought a couple of journals along with M/V. Been writing notes and ideas in there. I tend to remember things better if I'm written them down, so as I pick up interesting tidbits in M/V, I'm quoting them in there. I would love for H to read it, but I think the suggestion would not go over well. I'm thinking of how to pique his interest...maybe by talking about some of things I've been doing wrong that the book has helped with. I have to be careful not to come across critically of H, he is realy sensitive.
Which is another interesting thing. He is sensitive. Very sensitive. Which means, as a guy, he's grumpy when he's hurt. It's been frustrating me lately, which isn't fair to him. One of the reasons I really, really enjoyed being with him was his sensitivity. I've been doing that a lot lately. Things that never bothered me before, do now. And that's not fair. Yes, it's because of the PA and the two seperations...but...it's like I changed the rules on him, without his even knowing it.
As I was watching BIL2 and his girl (I don't want to say gf yet, I don't think they're that far along), it reminded me so much of H and I the first three years of our relationship. BIL2 and H are a lot alike. And BIL2 had that kind of cute, shy grin last night...he is really into her, and it's good to see. I miss that with H. I was really starting to feel that way again at Christmas, too.
I do think H felt a little left out last night. He was complaining that he wanted me to do something like that before. Well...we had talked about it...but he was always tired or didn't feel like it after working... I was actually hoping he would call me while we were still at the club. But I think he misses hanging out with BIL2 and I. That really got to him last year. Right after BIL2 got back from Kuwait, the two of us were hanging out a lot. It used to be the three of us a lot, and I think H not being a part of that really hurt him--even though he was the one who took himself out of the equation.
I don't think I was very validating on the phone with H this morning. Okay, I know I wasn't. It was 4am...I was still drunk... But, yeah. I was a little mean. I left H a vm apologizing for it. He hasn't called me yet, but he could easily be still asleep.
So...that's pretty much what's going on with me right now. I'm going to really try not to focus on H, and try to fix some more of my bad habits. I think "backslide" may be too strong of a word, but there were some things I started doing again after we reconciled that I thought were okay, but now, may not be. I'm also going to reread my old threads, see if I've forgotten anything I may have figured out then. I started writing stuff on note cards, so I can flip through those when I get really worked up.
I'm planning on getting another tattoo soon. With my bonus and tax refund, there are some outstanding debts I intend to pay...and then, I can do something extra special for ME. I'm also considering getting my belly button pierced. I'm a bit hesitant, since my ears didn't heal especially well, and I've had those for years. I will probably speak with someone at the tattoo place when I get that done, get some more information on the piercing, and think about it some more. I think H would be shocked. And, of course, I rather enjoy it when I loosen up and do something, oh, not-so-conservative. I never went through that wild phase as a teenager or in college.
Hope everyone is doing well! It's finally warm and sunny here.
Edited: outstanding debts, not oustanding bets! Yikes, what a typo...lol
I wasn't going to post anymore tonight, but I'm rather proud of myself. I fed H's two snakes all by myself this evening. He has two ball pythons--about 5 feet long, a pair of constrictors. Anyway, I've always been a little afraid of them. And I did call and ask H for advice a couple of times.
But...I fed them! (They eat rats.) Picked them up by hand and everything. I did what he showed me the last time they were fed...used one hand as a distraction, then used the other to (gently) grab the snake behind the head so it couldn't bite me. One is fairly aggressive, even with H. I couldn't believe he tried to bite me after I fed him...usually they're pretty calm, then. (They're not poisenous. H has been bitten before.) I had a good hold of his neck, but he jumped when I grabbed him, and wound around my arm. Scared the crap out of me!! lol But I had a good hold on him, and got him back in the cage okay.
I still think I may buy one of those snake handling sticks, with the curve at the end. But it was kind of fun...I've barely even touched them when H was around. MIL is terrified of them (they're at her house).
I even had to call my mom and tell her. lol It wasn't nearly as scary as I had expected it to be.
Okay, so, long story short, I got a new job in Phoenix. I couldn't post much because, well, things got really hairy (=horrible new boss) at my job, and when I said earlier H moved out...uh...well...he moved to Phoenix back in mid-March.
Which turned out to be not such a bad thing. As much as I missed him--and missed him horribly!--I can tell it's been good for him. He does have a lot of things to sort through, and obviously he wasn't done , and something about him being alone has helped him with that. We have talked a lot on the phone since he moved out. Free mobile-to-mobile. Several nights of three-hour-long conversations. H acknowledges a lot of the difficulties over our relationship, and is trying to figure why he does certain things and how to change his behavior. He was putting in a lot of effort before Christmas, just before he went all alien, so maybe he just needed a break.
Anyway, personal growth is never easy, and I completely admire his willingness to look at himself and try to affect change. It says a lot, to me, about his personality. He is still planning on joining the army--just wants to put in a year living in Arizona to establish residency. As much as I don't want him to go, I also think it will be really good for him. Teach him some responsibility. lol
The biggest thing that I have learned, is that a lot of the reasons why I was upset when he was still here were flashbacks. My new way of handling this is to make myself evaluate why I am upset. Did it happen in the past? Then it's not important. And I force myself to think of or do something else.
And, when H asks me what is bothering me, I now make sure to say "flashbacks." Instead of "you a$$, you did xxxxx and now I'm mad again!" lol Anyway, it's much less accusatory, and it seems to be a term he can really relate to. Sometimes he asks what triggered me, but I'm careful to tell without giving gory detail. And then we drop it.
In general, I am really working at just letting more stuff go. I have this annoying habit of wanting a resolution to everything...I'm trying to remind myself that we just aren't going to agree on everything all the time. I used to let stuff go much more easily in the past. Somewhere along the way I started this habit of wanting to persist arguments. It's kind of silly, actually. So...learning to just let go.
H is planning on flying back here to help me with packing and moving. When he left back in March, he didn't exactly take much with him. lol The vast majority of his stuff is here. He hasn't been around my parents in a very long time, so I am concerned about that...but I think it will be okay.
I did go out to see him about a month ago for my birthday. Phoenix is so beautiful...and warm! I am sooo excited! I didn't want to come back. H and I both actually cried.
Not sure how we're going to do the living arrangements when I do go. I'm staying at H's apartment for at least a couple of months. Partially for financial reasons, partially just to spend some time together. I may get my own place--which would be cool. Or we may just switch to apartment with a W/D hookup, since his doesn't have one. Either way, it will be fine. I do like living with him, but living apart is also okay right now. We've talked about it some, but decided to just take it one step at a time--and step one is getting all of our stuff moved 2000 miles!
I am happier than I have been in a long time. I have always wanted to live in the southwest--Indianapolis is just too cold for me. In all honesty, I hate snow. And I have wanted to move for years. So, I get to move to the southwest and get paid what I deserve...I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere. I had been feeling very, very trapped lately...it's been a long time since I've felt this alive.
So....yeah....I'm so excited I'm sure this has been pretty rambling.
Wow, Nev! GREAT news about the job, AND about the way things are turning around with H!
My SO is kind of in the same place -- finally learning he's got some issues, and they don't necessarily have anything to do with me, AND acknowledging both of those things!
Don't be a stranger after you move! We want to know about your progress!
You sounds (Read is the best term) terrific Nevanna... good luck with that new job, take care about yourself and pray h to think and evaluate a lot about himself... Andrea
I had actually written some updates between my last one and now. I thought I was being really clever by saving them as draft emails in my Yahoo account... However, they are just gone now. Whoops. Maybe not such a bad thing.
Phoenix is gorgeous. I love the mountains, I love the blue sky, and I love the heat!!
The new job is going well. Better pay, better insurance. A little slow to ramp up, but that's okay--considering how stressed I was at my last place. Things got really, really bad before I left... The management was nearly nonexistant. Our "team lead" was a nutcase. I have never worked with a guy like that before. Backstabbing idiot. Didn't know what he was talking about. He would point fingers at anything that just happend to coincide with some issue with the site. Even if it didn't make any sense.
No, I'm not still bitter.
Anyway.
H actually told me, when I flew out here in April to visit, that I looked like I had aged a lot. Not funny on my birthday, and especially not funny since I'm not exactly old, either. Although it was all stress...H said I even looked better right before I went back. And, after I left, my former coworkers said that I had looked really, really stressed. Yikes.
A couple things I've learned that are helpful.
I'm usually not angry about what I think I'm angry about. Or, the best cure for being angry with H about xyz is to spend some good time getting one of my LL's filled. Same goes for him. If he's griping I haven't done the dishes enough, it must mean he's not getting enough attention. I swear it works. I rub his feet more, bring him breakfast in bed...and the next thing you know he doesn't think I'm neglecting the kitchen. Seriously, I swear by this now.
H has absolutely no idea exactly how I am affected by what all has happened. (And I am, by leaps and bounds, dealing much better with things now.) He knows I was hurt, but I've learned he doesn't really get how that actually works out. This took me awhile to realize...we've had some nice conversations on this, in bits and pieces, and it finally dawned on me he doesn't understand how some of my nutty behavior is connected to the things that transpired. That's not to say he's unsympathetic...he can be incredibly sweet...he just doesn't understand why I react to some things or why certain things hurt me.
And finding new friends is like dating. Anyone live in the Phoenix area?? lol I'm looking for a new martial arts school, thinking of maybe trying Kung Fu. I'm also thinking of taking the yoga classes at my gym. And I'd like to take a Spanish class. (Ok, that last one I've been saying for the past year. )
We're planning on buying a house, soon. Planning on renting for another year and pay off a few more debts in that time, but hopefully, we'll be being a nice little house soon.
) 
Two...well, two I can't go into yet, but hopefully soon. 
And, of course, I rather enjoy it when I loosen up and do something, oh, not-so-conservative. I never went through that wild phase as a teenager or in college. 
I fed H's two snakes all by myself this evening. 
