Just wanted to ask if anyone has any wise words for coping with the pain of having your H involved with OW with children - and using the feelings of those young children as justification for not ending it with her - when you have been unable to conceive? I think that pain has hurt the most from the beginning of this saga - I was never able to have children - we lost one - and I was on early fertility drugs this year, getting sick and changing my diet while he watched me do that and knew that he was planning to leave me. And it infuriates me that he's so STUPID not to see that OW is USING her children to manipulate him!!! He actually told me that he went to a school parent-teacher conference with OW because her child was exhibiting behavior problems after he started seeing them less (when he was supposedly ending it with her) - !!! GOD!!! And yet I feel so bad for him that he has such an unfulfilled need to be a father that it makes him vulnerable like that. And yet I am so pissed that he would turn outside our marriage for that after watching me go through sugery, go on medication, etc. in order for us to maybe have kids. And I'm OLD, and this would have been the last reasonable year for us to try to get pregnant - but HE'S a man and doesn't have that issue, and of course OW is younger.
I know I'm not supposed to obsess about OW but this a special kind of hurt, that makes me think sometimes that I SHOULD walk away so that he can have a chance at a family. And if he wasn't willing to adopt with me then I shouldn't want him in the first place.
Anyway - thanks for letting me get this out. As time has passed since the BOMB, I can feel myself getting stronger, but this is the only thing left that is a surefire trigger for me to sob.
Quote: ... and using the feelings of those young children as justification for not ending it with her
I reckon that is a big fat unreasonable excuse. He knows exactly how to hit your buttons - and that's what he's doing. He's pulling this thing about "poor me, I don't have any children so I have to have an affair with a women who has children" but that's so not what an affair is about. If he wanted to be with a women who could have children wouldn't he have left your marriage years ago? Or after this year when you finish treatment?
From what I've read of your situation, I honestly don't think that's the real reason he is having an affair - don't take on his guilt trip.
You are fabulous (and you are not old!!) and you are going to be OK!
It's funny isn't it the excuses they use? Some say they are having affairs because they are sick of having kids underfoot all the time - some say they are doing it because their partner doesn't like sex - some say it's because the OP does have children - the list goes on, but none of these are the real reason they are having an affair - they are having an affair because there is something deeply unhappy in them and they think they can "cure" it with romantic, fresh, "love". It will only be a short term fix.
My husband's first wife left him for an OP. She's still with the OP and they have a 12 year old daughter, but a few years ago she told me that leaving H was the most stupid thing she ever did - she said she thought a new relationship would fix all her problems, but then she realised she'd taken all the same problems into the new relationship and they weren't going away until she did something about herself. Very telling comments.
Aussie Girl
Life is what happens when you are busy making plans
Sorry to hear about your snitch, I don't have a child either and that is what through my H into his MLC/Depression. However my H has 2 D's from his first M, that I am now worried wont be in my life, its a terrible feeling of loss.
You are a strong person, going on fertility drugs and all that involves then still think of walking away so he can have a family. I don't know how long you where trying but I have a cousin that tryed different things for three years, it didn't happen so they adopted a baby, 11 months later they where pregrant. Funny how God sometimes plans these things.
I know how you feel about being old, i'm 37, 38 in August, I only have a year maybe two myself, which also infuriates me because he knew full well I wanted to have a baby when I was ready and he said ok more than once (sorry always get a little upset when I thing about it)
It is very possible that your H will decide trying to raise another person children is not easy and get out. While I have only had the girls on weekends (met H when one was 6mts the other4yrs), there have been 100's of times they would just sit in front of the tv without even looking at me when I tryed talking to them. Raising childern is a hard enough job, but when they aren't yours its much harder. However in my case it turned out great they are both teens now and we have fun together.
Keep strong, I don't know how old you are but its never to late to adopt on your own!
Yuip, my H is involved with a woman that has 2 kids. We married at 18, so too poor to have them, them as years went by I thought he didn't want them he thought I didn't want them.After 7 yrs of M I had very short A. Horrible, bad choice/ experience.After 12 yrs H has A, his lasts for 1 year. We reconcile, he asks can we have kids, I happily agree, cause i secretly wanted them but thought he didn't.12 years later, I was 40 we stop actively trying saying we wanted to look more towards retirement, but still used no birth control, so we don't know why it never happened, I am now 47. His OW is 41 her kids are 16 (g)and 9(b). They are a problem for OW cause they grew up in an enviroment of violence toward their mother (her H beat her) .I hear the daughter walk all over OW and is a problem -big time. the boy is unruly and was prone to physical violence (saw his dad do it)I know my H thinks he is recuing all of them, but the truth is my H is not that kid friendly. Oh he like kids, but I have seen how he is with kids on a long and short term situations, he HATES bratty kids (i do too) and he will have a difficult time trying to NOT dicipline them, plus if the kids are at all resentful of him being there(although by now I am sure he has bought his way into their hearts with stuff and this big beautiful house they are building) he'd better watch it. The girl is 16 and all she has to do is go to her dad and say my H said one inappropriate thing or held a hug too long or whatever, an he is in a worls of sh*t. I fear for him in that, cause given their sitch, it could happen.OW is not yet D from her H, but its coming. But I see your point, I think on some level my H wanted a shot at a family especialy if its one that feeds this rescuing mode. Hey no family is without dysfucntion.No One. This may work for him, but i know my H pretty well, and unless he has applied for sainthood, and is so blind in love with her that none of this matters, their R will present some pretty hard challenges.Right now -I know he knows that and is dealing with it.But he was always able to go to his apt. to escape it somewhat . Now they are living together I believe, and it'll be harder to walk away if he sees there is nothing he can do And looking back on how my H eneterd this R with her, and what he did to me to get out of it, I don't know that he has the maturity to be a full time "dad". These kids have some emotional problems, and not just the kind that come from being 16 and 9. Some health issues as well. I had always hoped we would have had one child at least. Maybe God knew what he was doing. Draggin kids through a D is horrible. I was one of those kids, a long time ago. And yes I say to myself that if we could have only had a child along time ago would this all be different? Its hard to go back and second guess. No one knows. Maybe. Maybe it would be worse. And now there would be kids involved. Don't beat yourself up. You can't help it.And I do think its crappy that he let you go through all that knowing he was leaving. My h was planning for a year and a half, I found out. I don't know how old you H's OW kids are, but no matter. Any age kid especially if it not yours and sometimes when they are, can be a challenge. You know your H better than her. Do you think he is up for it???
Thank you so much for your kind replies. You know, I really don't think he would ever walk away from kids if he committed to that. He's always made comments that - how men we've known have been trapped in unhappy marriages because they would never leave because of the kids - it makes me think that's the reason he's doing this NOW - we didn't conceive (of course, he was having A during the year I was on the meds!) so he has an "out". And the thing about adopting by myself....that's the heartbreaking thing - I didn't just want kids just to have and/or raise kids - I wanted to raise OUR kids tha would be part him and that we would impart our shared values to (ha - so much for shared values, huh???). And of course this timing just SUCKS - this would have been my last possible year, but of course as a man he doesn't have to consider that, does he? And his younger OW doesn't have to be concerned about that, right? The thought of running into him and his new family or a pregnant wife makes it seem impossible for me to maintain contact if we end it - I cannot imagine surviving that....
I'm sorry to hear about your sitches and the justifications used. I have a somewhat similar story so just know that you're not alone...
H and I agreed to not have kids before we got M because he didn't want any. I had originally wanted a couple but I gave up the idea for H. That decision was based on the idea that we would be M forever, of course.
Now that H met OW (with 3 kids from her H) he thinks he might want to have a "little boy" with her and NOW says he never had any with me because "I wasn't right for him." He's rewriting history and now that I'm too old I feel cheated out of having kids.
