Quote: I mean if you weigh 300 lbs. or you refuse to do anything but missionary position in candlelight while murmuring sweet nothings, it probably is an issue
LOL, thankfully, no to both of those! I could stand to lose about 20 lbs. My insecurity about my weight is just that – my insecurity. When I mentioned to H that I wanted to lose weight, his remark was,”But you’re not fat.” He’s been pretty consistent about this. He is an athletic person, and I am a nerd, so he does encourage me to exercise and lead a healthy lifestyle, but it has never been in reaction to my weight. Fwiw, he likes the curves!
On the subject of emotions and sex – I’m trying to come up with the right words to describe our situation. It is true that my intense emotional involvement in what he considers a purely physical activity used to be a turn-off for him. However, I think we have both made movement on this. My attempts at exploring and defining my sexuality independent of him have made me a better lover, and also a little less inclined to look for the emotional connection in a very specific set of actions. He has, after hearing what I have to say on the subject, become appreciative of the fact that it is an emotional experience for me. He is now respectful of this. There are days when he slows down and spends a lot of time in making that connection, before, during and after sex. So while he still relishes the raunchy encounters, he is not setting higher standards for me, or in any way making me feel as though it is a moving target. The increase in variety, mostly in the ‘tone’ of the encounters, has definitely been a big plus for us both.
Quote: I think #7 is probably most important of all, especially if you realize that it applies to you as well as him. Circumstances change and you may find yourself addressing this issue again but from a different perspective and your H won't necessarily be able to count on you continuing happy with the status quo.
This is very true. We have, in fact, talked about this. Back when we used to fight about the sex issue all the time, H would often end a discussion saying that he saw no point in talking about this because we would still be fighting about it in 10 years. I asked H a few weeks ago whether he thought we would still be fighting about this subject in 10 years (fully expecting that he would say no). Ack, big mistake! He answered that he didn’t know. So I went looking for validation/guarantees and it turned into an argument because he felt I wanted a certain answer from him. After an hour of going over some old ground and some new ground, we both agreed that there are no guarantees. It is entirely possible that I may decide to delve back into this issue in ten years, and require something more or different that he may or may not be able to deliver. It is entirely possible that he will be in the midst of a mid-life crisis in ten years and start having affairs, in a quest for variety. No, there are no guarantees. My hope is that in ten years, we would have built another ten years of good history, of mutual caring and compassion, of emotional maturity, and will not do stupid things to hurt each other or our relationship.
