Quote: For me and others who don't really know your story what do you attribute your success to? What really helped? What kind of things do you know now that you wished you knew then?
Hi Karen,
My story is pretty much here for everyone to read. Here are my threads:
I’ve posted a great deal about my thoughts, opinions and what I felt was working. But I think I left out one very big factor – my H decided that he was going to get into the trenches and work with me on this. In retrospect, I can see that my H did try many times over the years, in his own way, to address the sex issue. I was blinded to this because I was looking for a very narrow expression of his desire. So I may have presented things in a more black and white manner in my earliest postings. Indeed, the truth has many shades of gray.
We started out with him being the HD partner. We were both only 18 when we met, he was my first love and I his. From the early days, our mindsets about sex were different, he separated love and sex in a way that I did not. However, he was a horny 18 year old, and that helped smooth over the philosophical differences for many years. Eventually, we hit gridlock. Most of what happened after that is posted in the threads I listed above.
I recently asked H what was different about it ‘this time’. He said that he is emotionally ready to put in the effort required, because there is a lot more at stake now, the children in particular. He also mentioned something about a change in my attitude. I believe he is talking about a change in my feelings from those of entitlement – that he should desire me – to one of gratefulness – that he is making effort to want to want.
There is also an additional factor that I believe played into all this, timing wise. In February of last year, H’s brother’s wife died after a prolonged illness, leaving behind twin boys who are now 4 years old. H was distraught, understandably. We talked a great deal after this, about how precious our little family was, and how much we take for granted. H even expressed a desire for more physical closeness, not because he wanted it, but because he wanted to have a better marriage, and he knew sex was a big part of that for me. So when I came out of my post-partum induced LD phase, he was ready to get to work.
As for what things I know now that I wished I knew before…
1. H does not consider sex an expression of love. He does crave intimacy and moments of tenderness (his words), but sex is typically not the route to that for him. He is an AOS person, and enjoys various things that I now do for him, especially the back rubs that I give him.
2. In a way, he was as sexually frustrated as I. My insistence on intertwining sex and love limited my sexual expression greatly, and reduced his erotic gratification as a result.
3. He finds me sexually exciting. His libido, however, is intrinsic and exists outside of me and my appearance.
4. My weight is not an issue for him. However, my insecurity about it (and about myself in general) is.
5. I am much more aware of my own sexuality and desire pathways.
6. There is something to be said for delayed gratification.
7. There are no guarantees for the future, and asking him for that is an act of fusion.
I’m sure there are more, and I will add to this if I think of any. Having said that these are things that I wish I knew before, I doubt I had the emotional IQ to internalize them and it has taken some painful growth and self-awareness to get to this point.
Thanks for asking the question. It is nice to stop and assess. There are pathways that I see right now to greater intimacy. Sending him this list of threads would be one, lol! All in good time, though.
