H and I have been doing well. There seems to be a good emotional connection between us these days. It was a nebulous sort of connection for a while, fragile and susceptible to little arguments and moods and circumstances. Finally, I think we are getting better at staying in a positive space and not letting the little tiffs blow up into something big by being overly reactive.
H tends to initiate verbally a lot of the time. (Want to have sex? Interested in some nookie?) This is really not my preferred method, I much prefer the ‘grab me and lock me in a passionate embrace’ approach. I’ve mentioned it to him as a preference, and he goes for the non-verbal approaches a lot more now.
H has been showing signs of desire more openly, and I am enjoying them. One evening last week, I caught him looking at my chest several times and teased him about it. He remarked that he liked the shirt I was in (clung in the right places, apparently!), and initiated quite passionately later that night, much to my delight. You know you are a HD woman when you like your H jumping on you in bed saying “I like the way these babies were standing out in that shirt…mmm.”
We are snuggling, talking, exchanging back and foot rubs every night. The ‘10 minutes’ before bedtime tends to last a lot longer. Some nights, he complains about it, but mostly in a good-natured, grumbling sort of way.
I wrote in Jenny's thread that he hasn't looked at any porn in 2 or 3 months now. This is a source of relief to me, mostly because I was afraid of escalating behavior. I should have known better because H is not an addictive type AT ALL. I see now that it was a crucible for me, one that I managed to go through with a modicum of success because I have no hang-ups about him looking at porn again in moderation.
I still have days when I am truly confounded by him. He seems to be enjoying having an active sex life with me, he is being open sexually, he is addressing all my preferences, we are experimenting and having fun, and most of the time the sex is downright HOT. Yet, if I turned LD tomorrow – he would happily go back to a sexless marriage. It just isn’t that important to him. I sort of understand this, yet I am confounded by it.
The good thing is that I am not personally offended or hurt by this anymore. I have empathy for the woman I used to be, for how hurt and lost and confused she (I) was for so long. But there is meaning to that pain (Schnarch). That pain was the path to sexual (and emotional) maturity for me. I see that now, and it helps me soothe my heart when I relive some of those horrible periods of rejection.
