I feel like we are finally in the comfort cycle, cruising along, able to provide validation to each other because we want to, and not because the other expects it.
We went through a rough patch a couple of weeks ago. Both kids and I had been sick, H was wonderful about taking care of all of us. In the past couple of years, if I was sick or unable to help out with the kids, it was a big blinking bullseye for H, and I would feel his lack of empathy very strongly. This time, we were able to break from that. We were kind to each other throughout. I consider that a major victory.
After this, it turned out to be my time of month, so we went without sex for a total of about ten days. Towards the end of this, I started to feel very detached, and communicated this to him. He told me that he would have loved to ML, but circumstances obviously got in the way. I told him that I was feeling rejected, and he held me tight and told me that he understood, to wait a day or two, and to not to dwell on it. We talked a little bit about my insecurities. I mentioned that I sometimes felt insecure because I didn’t and would never again look like I did when I was 18. He told me that he obviously didn’t expect me to look like I did when I was 18, and in fact felt that I wanted him to act like he did when he was 18. Oh, the irony!
We had another interesting conversation, instigated by him. The question – What is the quickest and easiest way to your heart? My answer: Affection, sex, quality time and quality conversation His answer: Lots of good food, lots of quickie sex and lots of backrubs
Interesting, to say the least, lol!
We are both being physically affectionate with each other, and feeling comfortable in that role. H makes an effort to give me plenty of hugs and kisses and little cuddles, and it really feels good. Last night, I was lying on the couch watching TV. He came in, lay on me, making full body contact, and kissed my face and neck, gave me a tight hug before pulling away to watch TV. It is really a small gesture in a relationship that is going well, but would have been an impossible gesture for him to make a couple of years ago, when our relationship was in the pits.
This past week, he has been announcing that he is going to show me ‘passion’. He has surprised me at unexpected times and places, jumped me and such. I said that rather than passion, I felt his gestures coming from a place of love. We are both a little perplexed. I have to think about it more, and try to express the difference in words.
I am coming to realize that passion is more a state of my mind than a result of his actions. The good news is that while passion is good, love is better. Much better.
There is another crucible that I am starting to construct for myself - it has to do with fidelity/monogamy and how it relates to us. We were both virgins when we married and have issues/regrets related to that. My crucible has to do with unhooking myself from his feelings on the subject and achieving clarity on my own feelings on the subject. I am not ready to plunge into it yet, because I am enjoying this comfort cycle too much.
