Welcome to Phase 3 of my life, post-affair. I'll populate it with my story and thoughts over the next 2 weeks, and then we'll see where it goes. Why Phase 3? Well, Phase 1 was the whole breakup / dissolution of the relationship with OW. Phase 2 was the 18 months after the PA ended - I tried a bunch of ways to regain my W's trust and get her to talk about life, but nothing has worked. Phase 3 will be "the final" phase... either I end up walking the road to D, or my W wakes up and keeps me around. There will be a MC along the way.
I am not making waves with the wife right now because we're going on vacation in 2 weeks. I don't want to ruin this vacation for her. She deserves to enjoy one more nice time before I shake things up.
Anyway, there are D7 and D3 to worry about in all of this. They will be too young to understand things right now. Mommy already yells a lot at them, and when mommy starts yelling at daddy, they may get upset. We shall see.
I have some suggestions...don't treat this like a game or that your wife cannot handle what you are about to do. She has obviously taken you back after having an affair-she needs to learn to trust you again. You did this not her. And how about not telling your wife in front of the kids. How about waiting for an opportune time to tell her. It sounds like from your post you want to shake her up. It doesn't have to be like that. I'm fairly new but your post sounds kind of arrogant and cocky and maybe you should resolve some of that before you goto your wife and ask for forgiveness?
My writing comes across as cocky and arrogant, for some reason. Just ask NOPkins... he's been "on my case" about it since forever. Anyway, in real life, I'm neither of those things. Also, I don't treat this like a game... and I consider my W's feelings before I do stupid things (like making a scene in front of the kids or the inlaws, which I would avoid doing).
Yep, I did have the A. I was weak and stupid. However... even now, after the A has been over for a while, my W refuses to see that I'm not happy with the M and refuses to admit that she's not happy. Maybe she doesn't trust me at all, which is understandable. After all, I've lied to her a whole lot in the past. Also, I never admitted to the PA - I admitted to the EA and that I loved OW, but never told W about the PA.
I have a feeling that I'm on the road to D, just because my W always said that if I had a PA with another woman, she'd kick me out and D me. When I finally get around to admitting the PA, I'll find out if she meant it.
Just browsing through your thread and had a couple of questions for you? If you are not happy with your M what have you done to work on it? It sounds like you have done some pretty destructive things like having an A. What 180's have you done to improve things? Have you seen a MC? Have you read DR or DB? You may not intend for your writing to sound arrogant but you do sound like your W owes you something.
Yeah she is hurt and is dealing with a lot of emotions right now. Give her some time and some space and in the meantime work on yourself and see if you can't make some changes come about in your M. What are some of the things that you are unhappy with? Chances are she is not happy either and her needs are not being met. Do you know which ones these are? Instead of rocking her world with a shock or a devastating bomb why don't you change. It is important to still be honest, maybe a MC can help you to tell all the truths about your infidelity and that it was a symptom of your unhappiness. Just a few suggestions and a few questions.
Quote: If you are not happy with your M what have you done to work on it? ... What 180's have you done to improve things? Have you seen a MC? Have you read DR or DB?
I have tried to "lead by example" and do things that I'd want done back to me (such as kisses or hugs at random, talking about how I feel, being accommodating and letting W have time to herself while I take the kids somewhere). 180's were tough since I already do a lot to "make life easier" for my M. We saw a MC in April 2003, and in May, I hope to get to see another one with my W, although I have to convince her that it's necessary. I've read DR and SSM and Schnarch's PM.
The only thing that I feel my W "owes" me is honesty about how she's feeling and what she's worried/concerned about in our M. In the past few years, she has maintained that "nothing is wrong" and that she's happy. While I try to take that at face value, I doubt that that's true.
Quote: When I finally get around to admitting the PA, I'll find out if she meant it.
I wouldn't suggest making what she already knows any worse than it already is. If you are trying to work on your marriage, why would you want to tell her about the PA?
Aussie Girl
Life is what happens when you are busy making plans
Quote: If you are trying to work on your marriage, why would you want to tell her about the PA?
That's a touchy subject. On the one hand, if the A is over and true remorse has occurred and there is never to be any such behavior on the part of the erring spouse ever again, then why makes things worse indeed... on the other hand, what happens down the road if the wife somehow finds out about it secondhand? Pain again. Trust goes out the window maybe forever?
I agree with not telling her about the PA, as long as there is no way she will ever find out. I know alot of what my H did (not by his admittance and he doesn't know I know as much as I do)and there was no PA to my knowledge, if there was I don't want to know. But that's just the opinion of one LBS who is on the road to a happy M....
Quote: I've lied to her a whole lot in the past. I have a feeling that I'm on the road to D, just because my W always said that if I had a PA with another woman, she'd kick me out and D me. When I finally get around to admitting the PA, I'll find out if she meant it.
- Chris.
I gotta ask about the above quote. First when u say lies do you mean about the A's or just stuff in general. My W lied to me all the time (about small trivial things) and it lead to the biggest of all lies lying about an A. My W also has said to me many times that she thought I would leave her right away if I found out about her A. I think that is what she wanted but was to weak to just say it so took such a drastic step as having an A. Mabye this is what your looking for as well to be kicked out since you cant leave on your own?? I am curious on your thoughts on this since what your saying is what I hear from my W right now,,.
Anyway, in real life, I'm neither of those things. Also, I don't treat this like a game... and I consider my W's feelings before I do stupid things (like making a scene in front of the kids or the inlaws, which I would avoid doing).