TS

I'm glad I could be encouraging and supportive. I know I need it and I hope to be able to give back by being supportive to others.

I do agree that if your wife is dealing with depression there is nothing that you can do to alleviate the depression. That needs to be dealt with by her seeking professional help. And this is hard as I sometimes wonder if my H isn't also dealing with depression, but he will not seek help so there is nothing that I can do about it.
Nothing that is, but offer support and understanding.

However, TS, I'm going to go out on a limb here, and put my honest opinion out here. We all have done something to contribute to our marital problems and we all have areas of improvement when it comes to our R w/our spouses. As I'm reading your posts and the back forth between you and NY, I keep getting this sense that you feel like you have done nothing wrong. I felt like that in the beginning, I thought how could he do this to me, haven't I been loyal, committed and understanding? It took several months for me to see my contribution to the break down of our marriage. I still have a problem w/focusing blame on the OW but I'm starting to see things for what they really are (thanks to Mr. NY ). But it's hard to let go of it.

TS, I don't want to make you angry when I say this, but I think your trying very hard to justify that you are right and that you have done nothing wrong. Your hanging onto a lot of negativity. If you want it to work with your W, then you really have to let it go. I know you are hurting, but your wife needs your support right now. It seems a bit unfair, I know, but it's reality. If you want any chance of it working out, then you need to jump down from the "I did nothing wrong" throne and look at it as, we both made mistakes, how do we fix them. You don't have to identify your mistakes. You just need to listen to what it is your W tells you she had a problem with and then work with her to find a solution. And then she in turn does the same for you. But you may be the one doing all the work for awhile. You may have to make changes in yourself and not get any reciprocal changes in her for some time. That's were patience becomes a huge factor. (it's something I'm not very good at)

Well TS, I am learning that if we want our R to work, we need to put our feelings aside, be humble and admit our mistakes, and then be pro-active to make positive changes in ourselves. Our WAS need our support and understanding, anything less will just push them away.

I hope I haven't offended you in any way.
Keep trying....................................TJ