Just Beginning

[TSinAtlanta]

So think about what it was that the OM was providing for your wife that you weren't. As that is going to be really important in re-building your relationship. You don't ever want to leave the door open for someone to step in again and meet the needs of your wife that you should be meeting.

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TessaJ,
I was looking back over my thread, and reread your post from last 4/30. Thank you again for your interest in my situation and your reply.

NYSurvivor and I have been going back and forth on what I did or didn't give my S (I can't call her a WAS - Walkaway Spouse - because I have read the WAS Syndrome article and our situation doesn't fit) that might have led to the affair. To recap at the risk of being redundant, the affair began right after we began living together and continued all through our marriage (12 1/2 years total, 10 years of marriage). Two pieces of feedback I have gotten, one from my S, one from readings and our MC. The first, my S says I should be more attentive to her feelings, how is she feeling, what is she feeling, look her in the eyes when she comes home from work, how is she feeling? I had thought I was doing that, and she gave me that. She wants more of it. NYSurvivor agrees totally with her. The other piece of feedback, from readings and MC, is that some women turn to affairs because they are dealing with depression and an affair is dangerous and exciting. In this case, this has nothing to do with the betrayed spouse, and everything to do with the personal depression of the unfaithful spouse. I remember during our first session with the MC that he said, "I am going to take a risk and suggest something without knowing a lot about you. I think the reason for the affair may be a way of dealing with depression." My wife looked startled, then said she thought that was correct. She told me again the next day she thought he was correct. When the MC said sometimes spouses look for danger and excitement in an affair, I said hearing this makes me put pressure on myself to be more dangerous and exciting. The MC responded no, you do not have to do anything like that, this is something for her to work on. This makes me feel a loss of control, since this is something I cannot respond to and must trust my wife to work on, and my trust in her right now is very low.

Something else in the readings that struck me. In Spring's "After the Affair", Spring states that some spouses who have affairs seem to be wanting everything, a stable married life, and an exciting second life with passion, danger in the affair. You can't have it all, there are limits, says Spring, and I agree.

Once again, thank you, thank you, thank you, for your support and encouragement.