Just Beginning

[TSinAtlanta]

For a while, I looked for people to get support from who would agree with me about how awful H was.

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First of all, TessaJ, thank you very much for your response. I appreciate your concern for me.
My first immediate response to DDay was shock, hurt, anger, disbelief, the usual. Immediately after, I set up a talk with the senior pastor at our church, who must have had a lot of experience with counseling about affairs. He asked if my wife wanted to leave, and I said no, she thought we had overall a good marriage. He also said I would be surprised at how many good marriages had to deal with affairs. This was a surprise to me, of course, not having had to deal with anything life this previously. He also recommended a very good MC, whom we are seeing once a week. He also said he thought the MC's position had to be as neutral observer and helper; not as someone who would join with me in beating up on the WS.
Addressing my WS concerns: She has told me the main concern she had was that she wanted more attention from me to how she was feeling. I had thought I was doing that; I would usually ask how her day was and if she had any concerns. She says I have been doing this, but just wanted it more. The affair had started way back before we met. After they ended the affair the first time, we met, then began living together, then got married (10 years married). The affair developed over many years (2 years while we were living together and 10 years while we were married). I don't think my WS went looking for something so much as it was available again after having been ended. My concern is that when she had the opportunity to re-begin, she did not tell me that the partner had called her. I guess every affair is unique; I am not trying to justify myself, just give some background. It's hard for me to hear that I had not been giving my WS attention, since I believe she has held things back in the past, even though she knew I wanted to know about things that bothered her. Anyway, we have promised to work hard on the marriage and are both committed to MC.
Thank you again for all your words of comfort and advice. I appreciate hearing about this from a women's point of view.