First welcome and know that you are not alone in this struggle.
I read the posts from NY - he's knows what he's talking about. He's set me straight a time or maybe two already with advice that works. And that is the good thing about this message board - you will get constructive feedback.
The whole idea behind the DR book and the process of DBing is to take solution-oriented action. When you first find out, you are way too overwhelmed by emotions to think solution-oriented. For a while, I looked for people to get support from who would agree with me about how awful H was. How awful he was to have done this to me, etc... Now, I avoid those people. Well, I don't necessarily avoid them but I do limit the conversations. If they start talking negatively about my H, I ask them to stop. Dwelling on the pain and the feeling of betrayel and talking negatively about our spouses does not help our situations.
I see it as we have to make a decision. We can cut our losses, file for divorce ourselves and live the rest of our lives bitter and angry at the WAS or we can decide that we want to do everything we can to make our marriages work and avoid divorce. I'm assuming you have decided you want to make your marriage work because you are here on this message board. You've chosen the high road, which is the hard road. And it's not easy.
I feel like the first thing to do to make progress is to seriously evaluate yourself and your marriage. Think about what your wife's complaints are and take each one seriously. How have you contributed to the problems in your marriage? I think it is so easy for us to point out others mistakes, but it is difficult to look at ourselves and accept where we went wrong. I was not able to start the process of forgiving H until I really looked inside myself and accepted responsibility for my mistakes that led to the problems in our R. No I've never had an A, but I did a lot of things that made him unhappy. The ironic thing is those were the exact same things that were making me unhappy with myself. I'm putting that out there as something for you to think about. See, my H didn't go out and sleep w/someone just for the thrill of it. Instead, he was getting from OW and this A the things that I wasn't giving him. So think about what it was that the OM was providing for your wife that you weren't. As that is going to be really important in re-building your relationship. You don't ever want to leave the door open for someone to step in again and meet the needs of your wife that you should be meeting.
Another important concept to help you deal w/the emotions and begin to heal is to look at things from your wife's point of view. Let me give you an example.
During the 3rd and 4th month of my sitch I was having a really hard time emotionally. I often called my Mom. I was just looking for someone to offer me support and validate my feelings. Someone to listen so I didn't feel so alone. Well, after a few weeks, when I would call her, she would start lecturing me about how I needed to move on and get over him and how I'd better be calling a lawyer because H wasn't coming home. That was the last thing I wanted to hear and lecturing me about it just made me angry and defensive. Then one day a light bulb came on- what my Mom was doing to me was the same thing that I was doing to H, except I was being worse to him because I was calling him whenever I felt like it and just going on and on and on. That realization made me finally put myself in his place and begin to think about what he was feeling. That was a big moment for me as it was the beginning of my attitude adjustment. (Before I go any further I must say, my Mom is in no way a bad person. This whole sitch has been very difficult for her as well.)
Think about how asking your wife for details of the A must make her feel. She may very well feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame. She's hurting too, and you have to keep remembering that.
Once again I am getting long-winded, so I am going to attempt to wrap this up.
You mentioned you had been writing in a journal. What kinds of things are you writing about? Are you only writing about your feelings? Or are you using it as a guide for progress?
I'll check back in and see what progress you are making. Stay patient and hand in there................TJ
