I still don't know if she was aware of how much she was betraying
What I'm saying is that the WAS doesn't think, "OK, today I'll betray my spouse". Their mind set becomes more like, "I hurt. The OM makes me feel good about myself. What's so wrong about that? I need that, and I'm not getting that from my spouse. I've tried. Am I supposed to suffer like this forever with no end? I can't live like that, I've decided." The impact of their decision on the LBS is not a consideration when they get to that mind set. It gets fogged and blurred, otherwise, their inner conflict would be greater, and they don't want to go there.
I just needed to understand and couldn't see why she would make the choice to lie to me and betray me for 12 years -- all of our married life and two years before that... I wasn't blaming, just couldn't understand.
The thing is that it can be understood on an academic level, but since there are emotions involved, it isn't logical and doesn't need to make sense.
She said she liked the attention. She said sometimes she thought I wasn't listening to her. I said I was aware of that, but didn't think it was that important, not important enough to destroy our relationship. When she said I wasn't listening, it was mostly the reading the newspaper, "You aren't listening to me.", type of response. But I believe very sincerely that if she had something important to say I wanted to hear it and asked her many times if something was bothering her and how could I help.
OK, now you know that what you considered to be "listening" was too passive for her, she needs more of an "active" form of listening, as do many women, that is nothing unusual. It means putting the paper down and not even glancing sideways while she's speaking. It means making sure you understand what she's saying, even asking for her to make clear parts you don't understand. It means validating what she's thinking and feeling and not offering solutions but simply a listening, attentive ear. It means gleaning why she's saying what she's saying and how she's saying what she's saying. It means spending time every week throughout the week with time spent listening to her. The book, "the Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman does an excellent job in providing detail on how to actively listen.
May I suggest that you change the "tone" of your questions to her a bit? Instead of seeking information (and I will touch upon seeking information below), you can and should use those opportunities where you two speak about what contributed to your relationship's problems as a little gold mine with nuggets of information that tell you what needs fixing between the two of you, and points you to where your own changes can start from.
Insofar as your "need to know", that's very valid but not understandable from the WAS's viewpoint. If you've read Dr. Glass's articles, you may recall that for you, there's a wall of secrecy of details of this affair couple, and so it makes you feel as if you're living with a stranger somewhat. That wall of secrecy needs to come down for you to feel that relationship and secret life dissolve. A wall of secrecy needs to be between you and her, not her and someone else.
She gets impatient and angry when I want to hear that from her again and again. I feel like a little boy who wants reassurance from his parents, but I read somewhere that feeling is normal (meaning many people feel it) in this situation.
To the WAS with remorse and guilt, every time they're prodded by more questions, and questions will arise in your mind from time to time, answering those questions bring up feelings of guilt and its associated pain for her again, so she's not keen on that. Additionally, she knows some of the answers will cause you pain. You have to make sure that you can handle knowing these answers, because they might hit you like a bat in your gut, and haunt your vision for some time to come.
In order to make this "investigation" (for lack of a better term, I think Dr. Glass uses this term as well to describe a phase of the "questioning" experience) agreeable to the needs of both the WAS and the LBS (can we agree to use those terms as we're on this site?), many couples set a specific day of the week and time in which any questions may be asked. They also set, very importantly, a duration of, let's say a half and hour to an hour, in which that session lasts. In that way, the LBS knows that questions will be answered, and the WAS knows that the questioning won't go on indefinitely nor will the WAS be subjected to impromptu questioning at all sorts of moments throughout the week.
It is important for you not to react to the answers but to accept them as they come, calmly. If you react emotionally, or with anger or bitterness, she will not be forthcoming with more answers. For that reason, many couple opt to engage in these types of sessions in a marriage counselor's office, where the MC can impartially listen and keep the tone productive, can offer suggestions, techniques, and help overcome impasses when they are reached, keeping everyone on target.
I'd also recommend the book, "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. It spells out the WAS's mindset and the LBS's mindset so that both may read and understand the other. She also has some exercises to help with reconciliation. Another fine book by her is about rebuilding trust, you may wish to give that a read too.
At this point, if we had had an open, trusting relationship, she would have told me about the phone call. Instead, she kept it to herself, which tells me that she was expecting that the affair would begin again. This was not the "Slippery Slope" that Shirley Glass talks about in "Not 'Just Friends'", because she had a history with this man. They both knew what would happen if they kept up the connection, and it did.
I agree. She went after it because she was unhappy and things weren't working the way she wanted between you two. How she handled that ultimately by going outside the primary relationship was a mistake she now regrets making. Lesson learned, hopefully. Going forward, there can never be contact with that man again, and in fact, any friendship with the opposite sex needs to be in a more controlled environment, as per Dr. Glass and others.
