Your WAS's choice was not really to betray you. Most likely, the depth of the impact upon you of her choices was not her primary consideration. Such type of thinking leads one to see oneself as a victim. Her choice was really to escape and take care of herself, You know it's a very selfish act.
I still don't know if she was aware of how much she was betraying. We went over this last night; I said I didn't want to blame. I just needed to understand and couldn't see why she would make the choice to lie to me and betray me for 12 years -- all of our married life and two years before that. She said again she was sorry; she shouldn't have done this. I said I didn't want to hear should; I wasn't blaming, just couldn't understand. She said she liked the attention. She said sometimes she thought I wasn't listening to her. I said I was aware of that, but didn't think it was that important, not important enough to destroy our relationship. When she said I wasn't listening, it was mostly the reading the newspaper, "You aren't listening to me.", type of response. But I believe very sincerely that if she had something important to say I wanted to hear it and asked her many times if something was bothering her and how could I help.
OK, you want more disclosure, I'll give you more disclosure. I was up in the Smokey Mountains several weeks ago, just two weeks after "DDay". I was hiking up a mountain trail for a few miles, kinda steep. When I got to the top of the ridge, I felt such a feeling of joy that I began singing an anthem which our church choir presented to the congregation the week before, John Rutter's arrangement of "For the Beauty of the Earth":
"For the beauty of the Earth, For the beauty of the Skies, For the love, which from our Birth, Over and around us lies, Over and around us lies. . ."
I walked along the ridge, could see the spring flowers in blossom, looked on one side straight down into a lovely valley surrounded by mountains on all sides (Cades Cove), looked in the other direction and could see the cities of Townsend, Pigeon Forge, Knoxville, and way off in the distance the hazy blue Cumberland. I remember such a feeling of peace.
Now, more disclosure, this affair went on for 12 years, began after we had been living together for 3 years, basically as man and wife. The "WS" had had a 2 1/2 years affair with the "OM" previously as escape from a horrible marriage. The "OM" "W" had found out about it and that was that. Then the "OM" reconnects by phone to my "WS". At this point, if we had had an open, trusting relationship, she would have told me about the phone call. Instead, she kept it to herself, which tells me that she was expecting that the affair would begin again. This was not the "Slippery Slope" that Shirley Glass talks about in "Not 'Just Friends'", because she had a history with this man. They both knew what would happen if they kept up the connection, and it did. The affair developed into twice monthly phone calls for phone sex (mutual masturbation) and several trips out of town which she lied about to me for live sex in her hotel room. I found about the affair from a letter from the "OM" "W", who had suspected and confronted the "OM". The fact that I found out from a letter from the "OM" "W" brings up more sorts of trust issues. In any case, the letter the "OM" wrote to the wife is full of what seems to me bragging about his prowess "I thought I had the best of both worlds. A fantasy sex goddess of my own and a stable relationship at home. I had my own pornographic gig, at not cost" (I assume he means no credit card charges for phone sex). My "WS" finally pushed herself to read the letter from the "OM" and was very depressed. She said it made her feel like "a piece of trash". While I am sorry for all the pain and hurt this has caused the both of us, I couldn't and can't feel sympathy for this particular feeling of hers.
Even so, I reiterate we are in MC, my "WS" seems to feel remorse, has cut off all connection with the "OM", seems committed to rebuilding our marriage. She gets impatient and angry when I want to hear that from her again and again. I feel like a little boy who wants reassurance from his parents, but I read somewhere that feeling is normal (meaning many people feel it) in this situation.
So-o-o-, NYorker, if you were able to get to the end of this disclosure, let me know what you think. Thanks much for all your feedback, so far.
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929.
" I know God promises not to give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much." - Mother Teresa
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929.
