Hi Faith--it is tough isn't it. I almost want to say 4 months wasn't long enough to be apart, but you probably wouldn't agree . My H and were apart for 11 months. I was probably reacting about the same way you are now after 4 months.

Positives for you: you know you are struggling and you know why. You also know you need to really work hard to get over and through these feelings of distrust, worry and obsession about what he's doing when he's not around. Knowing all this is very important and a huge step in the right direction.

The part that takes time is the practicing and getting used to a new way of reacting and behaving. I had to and still do have to engage in alot of self talk. Before I speak I think of what I am about to say, what response I want and how will what I am about to say affect him. If I answer myself that the response I want is reassurance and that he is going to be frustrated and quite possibly a little angry that I am doing this again, then I'm going to bite my tongue and keep my mouth shut. I've got to think of something else not relationship related to talk about. I have to call a friend and vent or come here and vent just like you did. I reread my DR book, and yes, get yourself one ASAP and read, read, read. But don't let him know you are reading it. Don't talk about it at all. The only way to reassure him that you are changing is to do it--not talk about doing it. He will see.

Work really hard at not asking those questions to get your reassurance. Act as if you trust him and it will come. He needs to be able to trust you too. Trust that the next thing that comes our of your mouth isn't going to be the same old stuff. My H still looks at me with rolled eyes when he thinks I'm going to say something looking for reassurance. But is he surprised when I say something else!

So, Faith, have faith in you. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. Forgive your H for his. Also, know that men and women do not think alike. Men are not as emotional as we are and he won't be going around analyzing what you say and do like you do him. He is most likely not even thinking about it. Please don't take it personal--that is just how men think. Another good book is Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus--it explains alot.

I think my H wants me to be confident, loving, supportive, encouraging, positive and funny instead of worried, depressed, and with low self-esteem. And that's what I want to. The more I work toward that the better I feel about me and the closer he gets.

It is early for you. Don't beat yourself up when you back slide. Just get up, dust off and try again. He's going to notice. He's giving you lots of positive clues to his feelings. If you can return them with trust wonderful things will happen. But it takes time and patience!