sometimes don't resist the urge to question him. We had a wonderful weekend and I ruined it by questioning him this morning. He said that he understands my frustration, however, he is frustrated too because just when things are going good - I bring everything up again.
There is most times the need for the LBS to have answers to questions concerning the affair, otherwise these unresolved questions may haunt forever. The WAS doesn't wish to hurt the LBS with answers, and yes, having answers can also haunt by way of the revelations and/or visions they bring with them, so one has to be careful what one asks for, because you have to be able to handle the answers.
That being said, the need to know is because the affair involved a wall of secrecy between the WAS and their affair partner, and in the primary relationship (the one between the WAS and LBS), there can be no other secrecy, otherwise it's as if the LBS is living with someone who they don't really know. That secrecy has to be surrounding the LBS and the WAS, and not anyone else. For the LBS, this is part of their healing process, and the WAS needs to understand that.
But the WAS, again, doesn't wish to bring up the past because it hurts the LBS, and also because it hurts the WAS by way of having them face their guilt again. The WAS doesn't wish to be barraged with questions all the time as they arise either. So, a compromise needs to be found. Many couples choose to schedule a set date/time of the week in which all questions may be asked, and there is set a limited duration (perhaps half an hour to one hour), so that the WAS is assured that this questioning will not go on indefinitely and at all hours. The LBS has the responsibility to remain calm and not be perturbed by the answers given, otherwise it will be more difficult for the WAS to agree to participate in those sessions, and more questions will arise as time goes on, so the onus is there to permit an encouraging atmosphere.
For that reason, it may be wise to engage a marriage counselor during which time this "revealing" session may be held under their guidance. The MC would be helpful in keeping the session civil and also be helpful when obstacles are encountered, and advise and counsel accordingly as an impartial therapist.
Trust is something that will never be the same for you, but it's probably better. Before, it was blind trust, and now we've learned that blind trust is not realistic. Some degree of trust will return, based on the former WAS's consistent actions (not words) over time. However, trust yourself to not ever let small problems in your relationship turn into big problems, as problems are helpful, pointing to the issues that the relationship needs to have worked on, and are therefore not to be avoided, because no relationship is problem free. And trust yourself to not ever have blinders on if and when things don't seem quite right to you, so as to ferret out what's really going on. Trust that you'll be able and willing to do what you need to do going forward, because you can never go back again.
