My H is back after a separation of nearly 4 months. He was having an affair with a co-worker and eventually admitted it to me. He has been back home for 3 weeks and just returned to work last week. I am trying to trust him and he has been trying really hard. He goes to church with the family now and spends all of his time with me and our child. The only issue I have now is maintaining my happiness and trust when he is at work. He works the graveyard shift and assures me that everything is over and deep down, I do believe him. We had a bad marriage prior to this affair and while I don't excuse it, I understand. Now, I just want to be with him and make our relationship work. We are happier than we have ever been, however, I find myself bringing things back up. I am learning to hold my tongue but sometimes don't resist the urge to question him. We had a wonderful weekend and I ruined it by questioning him this morning. He said that he understands my frustration, however, he is frustrated too because just when things are going good - I bring everything up again.
Please help me with coping with this. My marriage is on it's way to a place that it has never been. My husband calls/pages me all day with little notes professing his love and is being everything I could ever want. He told me that he now brags to everyone about how wonderful I am and he loves it. I don't want to ruin that.
I must also add that just a week ago, my husband and I had a long talk. He explained that he no longer felt the same way that he used to feel but he wanted to badly. He said that he does love me and wants to get the "fire" back so that we can both share the deep feelings that I now have for him. Last Friday, we had another talk and we both really laid everything on the table. He expressed his feelings to me about how the A started and how the OW was definitely out of the picture and no longer an issue.
I want to believe him and work on my marriage but why do I keep looking for things that are only going to hurt me and our ability to progress. I am so desperate for guidance on this. I am scared that this morning may have been the last straw for him even though he said that he is not mad at me for questioning him. How do I reassure him that I will not bring these things up if I keep doing it. Each time I go a week and then when it's time for him to go to work, I start again. I am telling myself to try and make it 2 weeks without looking for anything or asking any questions. I am hoping that 2 weeks will turn into 3 and so on and so forth...
I have not bought any of the DB books yet but plan to do so this weekend. In the meantime, I am looking for guidance so that fear does not consume my marriage and cause it to end.
I just wanted to say congrats! After what was probably the hardest and longest 4 months, your H IS BACK! He wants to work on your M! From what you've posted, you have so many positives and a wonderful start in your sitch.
I understand your insecurity when your H is at work or whatever, but you must remember and tell yourself, "My H has come back. He wants to make things work. He is professing his love for me. HE IS TRYING."
Have you read Divorce Remedy (DR)? If not, it would be good to get it. Read it then read it again and again. As you stated in your post, you know that there were problems in your M before. You need to look at how you contributed to those issues and change them. Don't just do it for the M, do it for YOU.
Another great book is The Five Love Languages (5LL) by Chapman.
You may want to post in the "Piecing..." forum. Alot of helpful, insightful, and inspirational members there. Hey - we're great here, too! But they may be of a little more help there.
I see so much hope for your sitch. Be strong and good luck!
JV
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
sometimes don't resist the urge to question him. We had a wonderful weekend and I ruined it by questioning him this morning. He said that he understands my frustration, however, he is frustrated too because just when things are going good - I bring everything up again.
There is most times the need for the LBS to have answers to questions concerning the affair, otherwise these unresolved questions may haunt forever. The WAS doesn't wish to hurt the LBS with answers, and yes, having answers can also haunt by way of the revelations and/or visions they bring with them, so one has to be careful what one asks for, because you have to be able to handle the answers.
That being said, the need to know is because the affair involved a wall of secrecy between the WAS and their affair partner, and in the primary relationship (the one between the WAS and LBS), there can be no other secrecy, otherwise it's as if the LBS is living with someone who they don't really know. That secrecy has to be surrounding the LBS and the WAS, and not anyone else. For the LBS, this is part of their healing process, and the WAS needs to understand that.
But the WAS, again, doesn't wish to bring up the past because it hurts the LBS, and also because it hurts the WAS by way of having them face their guilt again. The WAS doesn't wish to be barraged with questions all the time as they arise either. So, a compromise needs to be found. Many couples choose to schedule a set date/time of the week in which all questions may be asked, and there is set a limited duration (perhaps half an hour to one hour), so that the WAS is assured that this questioning will not go on indefinitely and at all hours. The LBS has the responsibility to remain calm and not be perturbed by the answers given, otherwise it will be more difficult for the WAS to agree to participate in those sessions, and more questions will arise as time goes on, so the onus is there to permit an encouraging atmosphere.
For that reason, it may be wise to engage a marriage counselor during which time this "revealing" session may be held under their guidance. The MC would be helpful in keeping the session civil and also be helpful when obstacles are encountered, and advise and counsel accordingly as an impartial therapist.
Trust is something that will never be the same for you, but it's probably better. Before, it was blind trust, and now we've learned that blind trust is not realistic. Some degree of trust will return, based on the former WAS's consistent actions (not words) over time. However, trust yourself to not ever let small problems in your relationship turn into big problems, as problems are helpful, pointing to the issues that the relationship needs to have worked on, and are therefore not to be avoided, because no relationship is problem free. And trust yourself to not ever have blinders on if and when things don't seem quite right to you, so as to ferret out what's really going on. Trust that you'll be able and willing to do what you need to do going forward, because you can never go back again.
