Liv, I have no idea what the laws are in your country -- I don't even know what country it is! But my SA states that child support can't be withheld for any reason. It can only be modified by the court. If your H thinks he doesn't have to pay if D is with him, he should understand child support is to pay for her portion of the household expenses -- which go on regardless of her location.
I think it's time for you to get tough with him. No, he may not modify the child support. If he argues, refer him to your L. No, do not agree to selling the house. If he argues, refer him to your L. No, he may not stay in your home. If he argues, refer him to your sister!
I think I'd like her.
Honey, your self-esteem took a beating. Now it's time to soar. You are an intelligent, capable person. Don't believe his tired story and his weird perspective. You know you are fabulous -- as do all of us here. It's time to live your fabulous life!
I love that you are able to stand back from his drama and see what is really going on. You're right, his way of phrasing things is suppose to put you in a the " damned if I do, damned if I don't boat." Guess what!!?? It's not your boat! It's his!
About changing the agreement? I think Michele said it all!
I think you have been doing a beautiful job of handling him. Go You!!!
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Yeah you are doing great. To be honest this whole thing is tough no matter where you live but being in a country that isn't your home land!!!! I really can't imagine the stress you must be under.
I'm no lawyer. But I can't imagine many countries allowing a parent to vary the agreed child support ie reduce it in anyway without going to court. Certainly in the UK he would be able to reduce the payments if he has the child for longer than a few days per year. I'm not exactly sure on the figures but as long as he has the child more than 52 days a year he can reduce the payment by 1/7th etc in muliples of 7. Yeah yeah it's unfair beacuse housing, clothes, treats, school trips, and holidays still have to be paid for but that's how it is here.
Again he shouldn't be able to force you out of your house assuming he has adequate housing. Your h has adequate housing doesn't he? Surely the child takes priority.
Also he'd have no chance of getting 50% of anything. You have a reduced income due to your comitment to your child and so are entitled to some compensation for that. IMHO.
You do need to get further legal advice by the sounds of it. And yes that SA needs to be in English. As for your mothers estate I think you need to make enquiries about that too. I think here he would be entitled to some of that (sorry as I say I'm no lawyer so don't be scared by that....I'm probably wrong).
I know that your an avid reader but there are some good websites that may help you.
Lol @ him wanting to stay the night. You know his games Liv. As much as I like the sound of your sister I think it would be better if you keep her away from him.
Anyway, I just wanted to offer some support. I'm thinking of you.
LNL - This is a point where you need to separate out the emotional aspects from the business aspects. Talk with an attorney, find out what your rights are, and what H is likely to win (or not) if he goes to the courts. I would imagine your country is more friendly to mothers than some, but that is just a guess.
Then, once you know what your status is: - consider not fighting him on the things that he is likely to win in court anyway. - Stand firm on those things you are likely to win in court. - if he gets nasty, just refer him to your attorney - consider carefully where you want to live. If you have any real thoughts of returning to your country of origin, now may be the time. But I suppose it might be difficult to enforce the child support if you are in another country? Is there another part of the country you are in that you would prefer? - is the house a good investment or will it be a financial albatross around your neck? If you keep it, can you rent out a room?
Pretend your H has died, and left debts equaling his share of the equity, and insurance equal to his child support payments. What would you plan for your future in that case?
Also - make SURE you know the laws in your country regarding that inheritance. In the US, an inheritance is separate, even if you are married - but only if you KEEP it separate. If you deposit it in a joint account, or start using it to pay for community things, or use community money to maintain inherited property, I believe it then is considered a marital property. I know you must be really careful about it.
Knowledge is power. Sounds like you need more.
As for H spending the night - I think the trick now is to set your limits while not provoking unnecessary reaction from him. Ask yourself - will this get me closer to my goal (of getting what I want from H). I would suggest "oh, I'm so sorry, my sister will be here then so it wouldn't be possible for you to stay here. Too bad. We'll miss you". Instead of what I know you WANT to say
Oh boy am I living this. My H backed out of everything we originally agreed on and tried to twist it all to be completely in his favor. I have found that every time he did this and I would respond with "I will discuss this with my attorney and get back to you", he usually dropped it. I, however, would recommend that you see an attorney and make sure you know your rights. Legal battles with men like our Hs are not easy and you are going to need a good attorney who understands how your H behaves in your corner. I guarantee he is going to fight you for every penny because he thinks he is entitled to everything. It will be all me, me, me.
When my H was buying me out of the house he was trying to insist that I pay the property taxes for this year since I had lived in the house for the month of January. I just said no I don't think so. If you have a problem with that, we can discuss it with the Judge. Now that I am buying him out he is adamant that he will not give me any money for the property taxes even though he will have lived there for six months this year. According to him, I don't need the money. We will see what the Judge says.
As for him staying the night, just say no. You don't have to explain. I have found the more I try to explain myself the worse the situation gets.
Thanks for your response. I am sorry if I seem paranoid about protecting the details of my situation, but I really don't fancy being identified on this site. It's the only way I can afford to be frank with you all.
About the child support. I reckon about half of what he pays goes towards costs that are spread out throughout the year and the other half are day to day expense like food etc. So if he has her for a month, I would be willing to contemplate him paying just half that month. I will ask the lawyer if that is even necessary.
About expenses - I am at this very moment applying to renew D's passport and just that little detail has cost me nearly $100 in fees, photocopies, photos and postage. These things add up. And that doesn't include all the time and effort involved, downloading the application form from the net, filling it in, finding lots of documents, getting a recent passport photo done (early morning before school), getting the photo attested by someone "of a certain standing", arranging a bank draft, going to the PO to send it registered post, etc etc. It is all hassle that H doesn't have to involve himself in. Know what I mean? (I am sure you all do!) I need to start keeping a list of all the work involved in my life. I already keep a record of all expenses.
The SA was arrived at without going to court. After he made his initial offer to me (I get all the equity in the house and nothing else!) I went to a lawyer to get advice. I asked them to outline what any judge would award me. As merely separated (not divorced) parents, I was told what was reasonable. H was invited to come and discuss. He did not get his own lawyer, which he could have done. He ranted and raved about the unfairness of my lawyers, I told him he was free to get his own. He eventually signed the agreement that was hammered out. It tapered from more support to less. I just about manage at the moment, but will have to find more or better work long term to survive as it is.
I have been approached by English language schools to teach in the evenings, but I can't with D to look after. Most adult TEFL classes are held in the evenings, for obvious reasons. I already have one evening student and it is enough, as D is still young and needs my attention sometimes even then. The language schools, by the way, pay rather badly. If I could get more daytime TEFL teaching that was decently paid, that would be ideal.
You are right about my self esteem taking a beating, I realise that so clearly. I took on board so much that he threw at me, now I realise it is so much a menchanism to justify his actions.
You can be assured that I won't be rolling over easily on this one.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Thanks for the links. I do need to find out more. I don't think H can do much now, unless we move towards divorce, and that can't happen for another two years.
Yes, my sister is a bit of a Rottweiler with people she doesn't care for, and she has never really cared for my H... (And she's only 4'11"!!)
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
You are right, I think there is a recognition in this country of the importance of mothers and their contribution to the family.
I asked way back about inheritance etc, but then of course it was just in theory, now that my mother has actually died, I will ask again to make sure.
At this stage it really is about securing a decent roof over our heads and having some breathing space. I can't afford to be NICE for the heck of it. If I can keep all my mother's money for D and I, I will. Money runs though H's hands like water.
About separating the emotional aspects form the other. Well, I feel my respect and love for H has really died just recently. I don't wish him harm, but I do wish him away from me. He is not good for me, he was right about that at the time of the bomb!
But, when he appeals to my sense of "fairness" he knows it is a button of mine - I will start bending over to be "fair", without noticing how I am getting shafted...
I am beginning to understand how H is a manipulator. An Emotional Manipulator. He is not together enough to organise manipulation/deception on a grand scale or with much forethought. He is also very lazy, selfconfessed, by the way. But I still have to be wary and use my "interpretation kit" all the time. Nothing is what it seems, or can be taken at face value.
The advantge of staying here is that I have built up a network of contacts and friends in this city, that is very valuable to me. Starting from scratch in another city in this country at this point would be out of the question.
Even buying and selling houses is a major pain. It is anywhere, but much more so here. Not to be done lightly.
About how I respond to H regarding spending the night. I do not wish to antagonise H unduly, and it is not really in my nature to be mean (99% of the time! ) but I also want to get through to H that he is not welcome here any more, not just this time. I think I will tell him my sis is here, but also that in our present situation it would now be "inappropriate". Remember, he used that word with me when I invited him to my country of origin last year? Maybe by using that word he will get it?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: I think I will tell him my sis is here, but also that in our present situation it would now be "inappropriate". Remember, he used that word with me when I invited him to my country of origin last year? Maybe by using that word he will get it?
IMHO, I think this is a very suitable word and applies well to your sitch. I mean really, he left, so why should he continue to view your residence as his open ended hotel when he breezes in and out of your town? Even if you didn't have to come up with a word, you owe him no explanations on why you don't choose him to spend the night at your place. The mere fact that you don't want him to--for any reason--is good enough.
Keep smiling! I like your backbone and moxy!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
(And she's only 4'11"!!)
Betsey