My H also refused to communicate by e-mail. I think he didn't want a written record of what horrible things he says to me and there is also no pay off if he can't see or hear my reaction.
I read an interesting article on the net about divorcing a narcissist. It said to prepare for it to get dirty and that unfortunately you have to sink to their level and fight dirty as well or you will be run over by a freight train. Supposedly narcissists back off if you stand up and fight.
I tested this theory on Friday. H was hurling verbal abuse on the phone, making threats about the divorce (telling me he would take everything, etc.) I did what the article said and fought dirty. The article said to attack everything that he thinks makes him special. I said he was boring. His friends all laugh at him behind his back. Everyone thinks he is a joke.
It worked. He backed off (and he started to cry. He can dish it out but he can't take it).
Another interesting note, the article mentioned that as soon as you start standing up for yourself the narcissist will regain respect for you and suddenly wants you back. This happened as well on Friday.
I know my H is not a fighter, he is rather a coward and a quitter, from my observations. But he does often strike threatening poses while picking his targets of course, those physically and otherwise weaker than him.
Pieces of the puzzle are still continuing to click into place as I think back over times and incidents from the past.
There's nothing like "wearing different glasses" to gain a newer perspective!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I have read tons of Sam Vaknin's stuff, but he isn't half prolific, huh?
What about you, MO, how are things with you? Are you not updating your thread? It would be interesting for us to learn lessons from your situation, plus it is nice to know how you are doing as a friend too. As I have said a few times before and will say again, you soound sooooo different from just a few short months ago! Like a woman who knows her mind, now, and trusts her senses!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
LNL - What about sending H a brief email so there can be no misunderstanding your position? Something along the lines of:
H - I'm sorry you think I am being a bitch because I don't care to meet you for lunch. I am willing to discuss any business you have with me via email. I am not trying to avoid any topics. It's just that I find our meetings seldom result in any positivity or kindness from you to me, and I am trying to surround myself with positive, kind people as I move forward with my life.
It has been my experience that ex-wives seldom have chatty lunches with their ex-husbands, so I don't really see why we should be any different in that regard. Since you have chosen to make me your ex-wife, why should you call me a bitch when I behave like an ex-wife? You have moved on, I am moving on, what is the point of meeting for lunch? I really think it is in the best interests of our daughter that we not stoop to name calling - a civil, polite working relationship is all I ask.
In my limited experiences with being bitchy I've learned that others consider me as one when I'm not playing the game by their rules and in their time frame. That may make me a lot of things, but bitchy?
And the fact that LNL isn't playing this game by his rules anymore is undoubtedly why he's lashing out at her and name calling.
I love your reply!
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
One of these days I guess I should write to H and spell it all out, but somehow I just don't feel like doing it right now. I feel the less said, the better.
As for giving as good as he gets (Moving Forward mentioned this) - I don't really want to blast him because I will always have to deal with him as the father of D.
I am not in an ideal situation regarding finances, being in a foreign country, and stuff like that, so extra antagonism is not called for. But certainly firmness and not enabling him is. And just removing unecessary contact between H and myself. And knowing my mind at last.
I was reading how Laughing had taken to laughing at her H's spiel, and that's almost the stage I have got to. Only, laughing inside, silently. It is all so ridiculous! Stamping his foot and demanding I buy his tobacco for him, or that I eat lunch with him! Who does he think he is?
Tomorrow when H is down in town, I feel he might try to call by the house to talk to me. I am just going to be "unavailable". I really don't owe him an explanation of what I do with my time or where I go.
He is coming down with w3 in her car, as she has some business in town. He hasn't mentioned anything about taking D out for lunch from school, though he may ring this evening.
This isn't going to be easy, but at least I am not being torn apart by conflicting emotions and desires.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
H didn't come down to town yesterday after all, but he's in town today, and taking D out to lunch from school.
He sent me an email yesterday. Here's what it says in a nutshell -
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He will send down a cheque for half the cost of D's new bike with her this weekend. (Great!)
He says from what "D has mentioned to him" (no, I don't suppose he tried to get the info out of her! ) he says that I seem to be doing quite a lot of work, so he feels we should renegotiate our SA. He thinks he should be paying only half of the amount of child support that he does right now.
Then he tells me he wants his half of the equity from the house. Tells me he is already 45 and so won't get a long mortgage. He needs to have some security and a place of his own. He will probably get a place in the hills as the city is too expensive. Ideally, we should sell the house in about a year, and split the equity. Or I can buy him out!
Tells me when D goes to him in August for a month, he will not pay me any child suppport for that month.
And he ends with telling me that he cannot come to D's school show on the 19th unless he can spend the night here... and how it would be convenient for him, so he could leave for his friend's place for a few days the next day.
Well the only positive thing there is that he is going to pay up for the bike!
He basically is only concerned with his own security. He wants us to sell our home. And he wants to be able to only pay me half of what it costs to look after D (apart from her housing expenses). I will have to remain in the "expensive" city to continue with D's schooling... and be her primary carer.
H earns far more than I do at present. I have been a stay at home Mum for ten years. I also moved country to be married to him. He originally came to this country out of personal choice, if you get what I mean.
Only a few months ago he wrote in an email that he thought we should sell the house and split it 1/3 to him and 2/3 to me, putting some money aside in a trust for D. We will have no roof over our heads, but thinks we should set up trust funds for D? And he has already lowered the amount that he thinks would be "fair"!!!
The only thing in my favour is that I do have some money coming from my mother's estate, but it hasn't even been granted probate yet. And from what I understand, as she died after we were legally separated, it does not go into the common pot to be divided.
You know, at the time of the bomb, he said to me that we had both been so full of resentment for each other (true enough, but not the whole story - my resentment was tempered by bewilderment and wanting so badly to fix things and sort it all out) and he confessed he wished I had been run over by a bus. I sort of thought of it as a way for him expressing his frustrations with me.
But I now think he really wishes that I would just disappear in a puff of smoke, so he wouldn't have to deal with an ex-wife. And he would have all his money to himself.
Actually, our agreement is not so short term. I am not earning enough to allow him to lessen his payments. As far as I am concerned, it is the bottome line, what he pays now.
Though I would like at some point to have the house in my name only, and if I can buy him out I will. I have put my heart and energy into this house and home for the last few years, and he merrily thinks we should sell it. He talks about getting himself a home, but he changes his story every time. I suspect he wants to get his hands on the cash, to spend in other ways. But he has to feed me this line. I know him too well. In the end it is not my concern, but I just cannot be swayed by his sob stories.
I will wait for the weekend to see if he sends down the cheque. I will have our SA translated into English so I can understand every word and nuance of it. Then I will also go visit the lawyer to clear up some issues.
I believe H cannot change anything in our agreement without my consent. He would have to go to a court to prove it needs to be changed. That would take effort and money. Not attractive to H. I would prefer to wait till we can be divorced and come to a final agreement once and for all, so the leverage he has with me is reduced to the minimum.
As for him staying the night here? Not bl**dy likely. Never again. Anyway, my sis and her friend will be here then. And he had better watch out if he meets my sis - she will tear him a strip!
Even the way he puts it is - "unless he can stay the night, he can't attend D's show". Not a polite request in sight. And it will be my fault he can't attend, you see!
He completely tore down my self esteem at the time of the bomb, talking about how "his friends felt uncomfortable with me, because I didn't speak a word of the local language". Now he appears not to have a single friend in this city that he can put up with for a night? I presume OW1 has dumped him completely?
More later...
Livnlearn
PS And after this delightful letter, H tells D on the phone that I am welcome to join them for lunch today!
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I've learned that others consider me as one when I'm not playing the game by their rules and in their time frame. That may make me a lot of things, but bitchy?
Bets 
