You are right, I am aware that merely imitating his PA behaviour is not healthy for me.
But here are my problems with his "request" -
Firstly, he didn't just request me to get the stuff *if* I was going into town. He cleverly asked me if I was going into town first. Then when I asked him what the favour was before saying I would see, he got annoyed. Ultimately, this is NOT a request, it is a command. It sure feels like one. I know my husband well. He also ropes D into pressuring me to comply. He is one sneaky B.
And what am I getting from this "friendship"?
When I emailed him before Easter with an invitation to spend a couple of days here before going up with D (D, unprompted, asked us to spend time together, have the Easter Egg hunt together etc) he grandly and completely ignored my email. Didn't even bother to say, no thank you.
And when it came to the actual handover and he managed to get our friend to give him and D a lift up to his front door, he was not going to mention that OW2 was at his place, and I would have unknowingly bumped into her and had to be polite or seem like a churl in front of other people. It just so happens I knew she was there before I stumbled into the situation and was able to avoid it.
This just does NOT feel like a friendship to me at all at all. It feels like someone assuming I will be there to jump to the royal command for ever. He tells me about my feeling of entitlement, but his is right there for all to see, he is "supporting" me and D, so I need to jump for him. In a row before the bomb he actually stated as much - he was "paying for everything, so I got to do his bidding"! This from the guy who likes to pay lip service to feminism. Ha bl**dy ha.
I do resent the fact that this guy manages to blow hot and cold and when he is playing the innocent friend with me and I am not biting, the ugly bully in him breaks out from just below the surface.
When I talk about my resentment, it is not something I stew in but I do wish he would just LEAVE ME ALONE!
Perhaps I need to make this crystal clear to him sometime soon. Our friendship is over, we are just co-parents, and I am keen to have a civil and friendly relationship as co-parents only.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I'm impressed. You've really detached yourself from H. I still get "sucked in" into H's drama on occasion. Perhaps I wouldn't if there was more daily distance.
You could be describing my H in this last post! Scary!!!
You are right, you do need to make it crystal clear that you are separated. AS in no longer the person who when told to jump, asks "How high?" More than likely, this will take him a long time to process.
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
When I went into town today I had only a little time as I had to be back home for a lesson. I did all the things I had to do and then rushed back.
This evening H calls and asks if I got his tobacco. I said, I'm afraid not. He said, that doesn't surprise me, and put the phone down.
Then he rang a second time and asked if I went into town.
I said, what is this, an investigation?
He said, so you went into town and didn't get my tobacco, that's just F***ing typical of you!
I said, is it? (Is it really typical of me? Good question that. What do you folks here think, is it typical of me????)
H put the phone down.
I am not passive aggressive, but I am tired of being jerked around and taken for a servant.
I always saw my mother's huge apetite for being served by others - my sis and I used to talk about it all the time. But I never was so conscious of my H's need to have his commands obeyed. I have always been so very obliging. And in return, H has rarely done anything that took him out of his way for a minute or a yard.
I remember a year or two before the bomb, I was in town with my friend, and H was also in town doing some personal shopping and stuff. We all met for a drink together. We were going to continue on our separate ways after that for a couple more hours. H had bought some stuff, and when we got up to part, he handed me his shopping bags. I declined to take then and said he could carry them! He was taken aback and annoyed. Did he really think I was some kind of mule to just relieve him of his shopping so he could go around empty handed? (The answer is YES. )
If we went on walks, I would often have a backpack, typical mummy stuff - all kinds of "just in case" items, right? He would want to put lots of his stuff in there, like his hat, gloves, jacket etc. But at times when all I had on me was my keys, and no pocket to put them in (you know what women's clothing is like, often not a pocket in sight) H would refuse to carry my bunch of keys, saying he hated to be weighed down.....
I guess I am just going to have to hunker down for the retaliatory shots that are sure to come my way. I am tired of bending. I will stick up for myself and take what comes. One way or the other I have to distance myself and get on with my life.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Liv, just a tip which really helps me. I always answer STBXH's requests with a "yes" or a "no". I have stopped "we'll see" because he reads that as "yes" -- and that may not be my intention. Sometimes I feel pressed to answer a request so I just say, "I need some time to think about that. I'll let you know tomorrow/Thursday/later."
With a narcissist, you cannot give them any wiggle room. You must be literal. You must be firm. They may do whatever is in their own inflated self-interest, but you, at least, will have been clear.
You'll get used to it eventually. It'll take a while because you'll be breaking the habits that you have built up over a number of years.
I would suggest to you that everything your h says to you has an ulterior motive. So....practice that No word. The next time he asks if you are going to town say No. End of conversation. He'll maybe try to carry that conversation on. Believe me you'll have to be strong.
My pattern now is:-
1. Answer to h's first question.....No.
2. Answer to h's second question (usually why?)....Because I don't want to!
Thanks for your advice. You both sound like old hands at dealing with "those" kinds of guys, and understand so well what it is we are up against. It's as if any compromise or kindness on our part really is perceived as weakness, to be fully mined. I see evidence of this in quite a number of places on this board - where women are hopelessly trying to appease full blown narcissists and others with disorders.
I think it is really important for us to examine how our relationships were even well before the bomb.
The wierd thing is, I didn't think I had a "bad marriage", but looking back there were so many screaming red flags of something not quite right.
I will practice saying "no" in the mirror, and to various objects as I go around attending to my chores today. I am finally re-organising and clearing out my office to make it into a truly pleasant and funtcional work space. So I can get cracking on my work!
I was forced to get my bike trailer out and functioning again so as to go pick up some cheap office furniture from the local supermarket which had a really good deal. So I feel like I am accompishing stuff this weekend.
Have a good weekend all!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Thanks for the Mother's Day wishes, only we don't celebrate it here on the same date, and even then *I* have never been celebrated... It would require H to help D to organise it, and that has never happened! He even forgot to be the tooth fairy when I was away and he was cavorting with OW1 just prior to the bomb.
On Saturday I emailed H with some end of school year dates and function details. Also told him what D's new bike came to finally after the add ons. Techinically he should go halves with me on it but I didn't ask him, though he offered to some weeks ago. He said he was broke last month, but would pay next (this) month. I am not holding my breath.
I also asked him to make sure D put on sun cream in the sun, and ended with "Have a nice weekend". The email was to the point and not much more.
I received a reply from H on Sunday, which was quite upbeat and friendly, telling me which events he would likely make.
Today he rang a short time ago. He wanted to know if I was having server problems. We share the same host. After discussing that for a while, he said he was coming down on Wednesday, and would I meet him for lunch? I said I couldn't. He said, which day do you have free then? I said, it really does depend from week to week as my students change all the time (true).
H said, I really do need to talk to you about a couple of things. I said, I would like you to email me about anything you wish to say to me.
H said, but I want to meet you and talk to you face to face.
I said, I don't wish to meet you. (That came out very calmly and without me having to think or steel myself. I really do feel that way.)
H said, throughout our marriage you never wanted to talk about anything! (projection, projection!!! Who was the one who walked out of our marriage, saying it was OVER without a single word/discussion in advance? )
I said, well, please just email me about stuff.
H said, you really are turning into the most vicious B***h!
I said nothing, and he put the phone down.
I feel nothing for this man, I can just see what an aggressive bully he is.
Of course I feel concern about how I will manage and weather the storm, and we do need to come to a long term solution sometime so he has NOTHING to use as leverage against me (except our D of course).
But I felt pretty calm and my thoughts were collected. I was clear I didn't wish to meet him. He is not pleasant to meet. Why would I want to?
If we have anything to discuss, we can do it by email. That way I am not put on the spot, D is not there, and it doesn't have to spoil my day. I can consider any replies I give. I also have a written record.
Interestingly, at one point during the convo, H said, I don't want to write it all down, it is not a fixed thing, we need to talk.
If I don't talk to him over the phone or face to face, the only opportunity he will have to abuse me will be by email, and I will have a written record of it.
H made me very angry a number of times the year or two before the bomb. I know no one can MAKE one angry, but his behaviour was pretty provocative, looking back at what was happening. No wonder I reacted badly. I was also in the dark about what was going on his end.
But since about Sept/Oct 2003, I haven't said a harsh word to the guy, certainly no abuse or rudeness.
I don't think I need to put myself in the firing line any more, do you?
Whatever will be, will be, but I am not the victim any more.
Amen.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Liv, I understand what you mean when you say he provoked your anger. I do think they can push your buttons purposely to get the reaction they need to justify their own behavior. Sounds like your H is very good at this!
Kudos to you for handling yourself so well in a tight spot. I think you were brilliant and all I can say is "keep it up"!
)
