Liv, the Work in "Loving What Is" hasn't changed my experience living with a P-A NPD man for nearly 20 years. What it changed is how I think about it.
I guess I'd say what Byron Katie's Work has done for me is show me that none of STBXH's stuff is my stuff. He chose to have sex with other women. He chose to break his vows. The fact of me -- no influence.
Hope you are well today. Great news on your new phone, and you are absolutely right -- no explanation needed.
LOl Liv...I guess I kind of have a warped sense of humour here.
No a divorce wouldn't put an end to you problems with your h....in fact I'm sure that they would continue....but moving countries???????? Now you're thinking ! That could solve a whole lot of your problems
"My husband started encouraging me to go the gym. It seemed like a really supporting gesture at the time, but he was starting to build a case. He could then say: 'I tried to help you and you still didn't do it.' He also said: 'I've progressed and you haven't'."
Hoooy boy! Reading back over those emails from H made me realise just how much projection was going on....
Anyway, H rang this evening to speak to D. I picked up as she was out playing. My Caller ID service will kick in in a day or two, but I knew it was H anyhow. He was all bright and chirpy, asking, did you have fun at the swimming pool? I was polite and talked a little about D's cycle ride on Sunday, then said I would get D to talk to him later.
She of course saw the new phone and squawked with excitement, and told her Dad all about it. Then after the call she started whining to me about wanting a mobile phone. There's a long story about that, which I won't go into here, but I have basically said she is too young to have one. Of course her Dad will maybe give her one and then she will buy the card with "her money" (from him etc etc.)
Anyway, if I'm going to be on target for a reasonably early night then I need to get to bed!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I've been reading sporadically, but work has been so astronomically busy that my head is swimming. It's nuts!
I also see some major strength in you and your current course. Kudos for putting your needs first and finding good reasons to keep on with this theme.
Quote: If you look at Betsey over in Hoping and all she has done to "improve" herself in the past two years, and it still isn't enough to interest her H in their marriage...
Yep, this is very true. And while last year, this very thought would have devastated me beyond belief (I would have seen the rejection as a personal thing), I no longer think that way.
I really want a healthy R with myself and my SO/H. I no longer want to be tied to a person who douses his emotions with alcohol or other avoidance behaviors because it's too painful. The excuses are many, but face it.... one day the piper is gonna come a callin' and it's going to be time to do the work. After all, didn't that happen to us?
I am thoroughly disgusted with the fact that the person I thought I married is so closed off from humanity. What part of "good for me" is that? I am finally free from the bondage of being married to someone who really doesn't want to improve. Bah humbug...
So, this is exactly how I feel about Mr. W...
Quote: So I have got to think of him as strictly business.
Amen, sista! I hear you loud and clear!
Betsey
p.s. So when are you moving to Hopefulness?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Thanks for your visit. A move to Hopefulness? I really don't know. Is that the halfway house between DBing and embracing the idea of the inevitablity of Divorce?
I have truly come to see that my H really doesn't have the "equipment" to sustain a marriage. He doesn't "get it" and never has. I am not convinced he even can in the future. It would take an epiphany of some kind.
Now see what happened yesterday.
D was getting ready (or NOT getting reay, I should say) for school in the morning, and she was exasperating me, so I was "nagging" her to get a move on. This happens nearly every morning. She got annoyed at my exhortations to hurry up and threw out "I wish I was living with Daddy, not with you!"
In times past I would have definitely reacted - I would have told ber not to be rude, or been silently very hurt, or been alarmed, or tried to 'explain' things to her, something ...
Instead I just heard it as her expression of frustration at HAVING to go to school and said nothing, let it pass. And no more was heard of it!
I guess D is at an age when she thinks that not having to have a bath, brush her hair, change her underpants, do her homework, get ready for school, etc etc is considered so much better than having to do these things! So being with her Dad seems so much more fun!!!!!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
H rings and I tell him we will ring back as D is eating dinner. He asks, are you going into town tomorrow? I stupidly say, I might... (should have just said, don't think so!)
He then says, would you do me a favour?
I say, well, it depends, what is it?
H sounds annoyed, (I'm not jumping at his command without hearing what the favour is!) and says to go to that shop in Street T and buy a tin of tobacco and send it up with D this weekend.
I said I would see.
I really don't understand - correction, I do I do! - how this guy just wants me to keep running and servicing him. When D rang back later, H said to her to remind me to get the tobacco. He is manipulative, isn't he? D comes and tells me I must remember to get it for Dadddy.
If I say straight out "NO!" then I am vindictive - and he will make me PAY by being uncooperative about holiday dates and stuff, I know it.
I used to think that H is just lazy and self centred about stuff like that, but I am beginning to see that he is quite manipulative too.
I guess I might just not have the time or I might just forget. Things he used to do all the time!
Input appreciated...
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: I guess I might just not have the time or I might just forget. Things he used to do all the time!
I don't think becoming passive-aggressive yourself will help things any.
In the future - the proper answer to all such questions from H is "Why do you ask?". Then you haven't told him anything until you figure out what he wants from you.
Betsey
